Marriage Of The Undead
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 24, 2014
(I work in a call center for a student loan servicing company. I deal with many difficult callers each day, as people get very upset over their loans. I have just spent an hour arguing with a woman as to why her loans were delinquent and I am quite frazzled.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I received a letter from you that says ”our condolences on the loss of your son.”

(I check the account. The borrower has indeed been reported as deceased and we are waiting for the death certificate in order to discharge the loans.)

Me: “Yes, sir. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Do you have any questions on the discharge process?”

Caller: “Yes. My son isn’t dead.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you want to talk to him?”

Me: “Uh… yes, please.”

Caller: “Okay. Here he is.”

Son: “Hello. As far as I know, I am not dead, unless I am the first recorded instance of the zombie apocalypse.”

(At this point I start giggling helplessly. The son laughs, too.)

Son: “Out of curiosity, why do you guys think I’m dead?”

Me: “Well, sir, you were reported deceased by [Name].”

Son: “Oh. That’s my ex-wife. She must have been trying to mess up my credit. Is this going to hurt me at all?”

Me: “Not in the slightest, sir.”

Son: “Ha. Sucks to be her. Have a lovely day, miss.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. Please don’t bite anyone.”

Son: “But where’s the fun in that?”

Problem Is Too Stupid To Recognize It Exists
EDITORS' CHOICE, STUPID, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 1, 2008
Caller: “Hi, I want to use my roommate’s computer but it’s not working.”

Me: “Could you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a sign next to it that says, ‘In case of error, PEBCAK.’ Could you explain it?”

Me: *tries not to laugh* “It’s short for, ‘Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.'”

Caller: “Oh! I get it! Hold on…”

(I hear a loud cracking sound and some faint swearing.)

Caller: “It’s still not working!”

Me: “Er… What did you do?”

Caller: “I took away the wooden bit under the keyboard… Now it’s right over the chair!”

(I actually head-desked after that.)

Smelling A Sale
RETAIL | RIGHT | DECEMBER 23, 2013
(I work at a mall perfume counter. It’s close to Christmas. Many people are running around like crazy. It’s my first Christmas at this job. I’m very nervous about approaching people who look like they’re in a hurry. Two of my coworkers have already been yelled at by some hurrying customers. I see a customer, sort of casually strolling through, and decide to try her.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Would you like a sample of this cologne?”

(The customer gives me a blank look.)

Customer: “What for?”

Me: “For… well, just to smell.”

Customer: “But I’m not a man.”

Me: “Well, no. But maybe you’re looking for a last minute gift for some man in your life?”

Customer: “There is no man in my life! They’re all dead!”

(I am horrified and speechless. The customer bursts into giggles.)

Customer: “Sorry. You all just look so nervous and bored over here. I thought I’d have a bit of fun! That’s [Perfume Name], right? I’ll have four.”

Perhaps This Isn’t Your Calling
CONSTRUCTION | RIGHT | JULY 9, 2014
(I’ve just started a new job as a secretary for a house construction company. The former secretary is training me.)

Former Secretary: “This job is a snap. Answering the phone is the easiest part. All they ever want is lot prices or house prices. Oh, the phone is ringing now; go ahead and answer it.”

Me: “Good morning. Thank you for calling [Company Name]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need you to fix my hot tub.”

Me: “One moment please, sir.” *to the former secretary* “This guy wants us to fix his hot tub.”

Former Secretary: “What?”

(The former secretary takes phone, talks a little, and then hangs up.)

Former Secretary: “He had the wrong [Company Name]. He thought he was calling the head office of the hotel he’s staying at. That was weird. Oh, the phone’s ringing again.”

Me: *answers phone*

Caller: “THEY’RE CUTTING DOWN MY TREES! MAKE THEM STOOOPPP!”

Me: “One moment please, sir.” *to former secretary* “Um, this guy says ‘they’ are cutting down his trees.”

Former Secretary: “Are you kidding?”

Me: “I thought answering the phones here was supposed to be easy?”

Former Secretary: “It usually IS!”

This Spud’s Obviously Not For You
RETAIL | RIGHT | DECEMBER 28, 2011
(I am working at the produce department.)

Customer: “These potatoes smell like dirt.”

Me: “Well, of course they do ma’am. Potatoes grow in the ground.”

Customer: *shocked* “That is just disgusting. What kind of potatoes do you people buy?!”

Me: “Regular ones?”

Customer: *drops the potatoes on the ground and storms out*

Lost In No Translation
COFFEE SHOP, FUNNY, THE HAGUE, THE NETHERLANDS, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2010
(A lost-looking tourist enters the shop.)

Tourist: “Do any of y’all speak American?”

Me: *joking* “I’m sorry, but we can only speak English.”

Tourist: “Okay, sorry to bother you.” *leaves*

Literally Dog Eared
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PETS & ANIMALS, REFUND, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | AUGUST 19, 2009
(A customer hands me really tattered and torn CD.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this CD for another copy. It doesn’t play.

Me: “What on earth have you done with it?”

Customer: “Well, since there obviously was something wrong with the CD, I gave it to my dog to play with. You’re just going to return it, right? So who cares about what condition it’s in?”

Expired Pass And Expired Logic
CALL CENTER, TRAVEL AGENCY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 18, 2011
(I work in a call center for a travel company that sells attraction passes. We often get calls from customers that buy the products without actually reading the website, so they have no idea how the products work.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Excuse me, I am trying to get into [attraction] and they are not letting me in. Tell them that I have your card so I can get in.”

(I get her card information so I can check the activity on her card.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it seems that your card expired yesterday. You only purchased a three day pass and all three days have been used.”

Customer: “I know that. Get me into [attraction]!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. If your pass has already expired, you cannot use it.”

Customer: “So you’re telling me that if I used all three days on my pass, I can’t go to the attractions anymore?”

Me: “That is correct. If you bought a three day pass and you used all three days, you will not be able to use the pass to get into any attractions.”

Customer: “Well, nobody told me that! I want a refund for not being able to get into [attraction] today!”

(This call goes on for 20 more minutes. Needless to say, she did not receive a refund.)

27 Stresses
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL | RIGHT | MARCH 30, 2011
(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

(Their mother walks over.)

Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

Me: “Go ahead!”

(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”

Donut Underestimate The Sweetness Of Employees
RESTAURANT | WORKING | MARCH 15, 2013
(My friend and I are just 6 years old. We’ve found five cents on the ground and go into a takeaway/corner shop to see if they had any lollies (sweets) for that amount.)

My Friend: “Excuse me, do you have anything for five cents here?”

Server: “Hmm, let me see. I think so. Oh, yes, you can have these…”

(He proceeds to give us a bag of four hot donuts.)

Server: “…and you can keep the change.”

(He hands the five cents back to us. 20 years later and I still haven’t forgotten his generosity!)

Any Sliver Of Hope
RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 31, 2011
(I am standing at the door greeting customers. An elderly gentleman is waiting to get in as I answer a question for the customer ahead. I have already checked his membership card.)

Me: “You can go on in, hon. I’ve already seen your card.”

(The man continues to stand there while I speak with another customer.)

Me: “Did you need anything, sir?”

Customer: “No, but you called me hon, so I thought I might stick around a while…”

Please Consult The Chameleon Circuit, Part 2
YOGURT SHOP | WORKING | MAY 20, 2013
(While cleaning a yogurt machine before opening, I hear the landing noise of the TARDIS. I’m a huge Doctor Who fan.)

Me: “NO WAY!”

(I run to front of store and see no TARDIS. I walk back to office and find my coworker.)

Coworker: *chuckling* “You didn’t think that was real, did you?”

Me: “For a minute there, yes I did!”

Be Open-Minded About Holiday Closing
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 26, 2014
(It is Christmas Eve and we are closing at six pm. The manager is standing by the front door telling the customers we are closing in five minutes. A customer runs in.)

Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am. Just to let you know we are closing in five minutes.”

Customer: “But I have a lot I need to get.”

Manager: “Yes but we are closing at six pm so our employees can be with their families tonight.”

Customer: *in a huff* “Well, in that case I am going to [Competitor] across the street.”

Manager: “Then you’d best hurry; they are closing at six tonight, too.”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Manager: “Because it’s Christmas Eve and their employees want to be with their families, too.”

Customer: “Well, what time do you open tomorrow?”

Manager: “We’re closed all day tomorrow. It’s Christmas.”

Customer: “What about [Competitor]?”

Manager: “They’re closed, too. Same reason.”

Customer: “Well, that is so rude!”

(The customer storms off. The manager locks the door after her.)

Manager: “I haven’t worked retail for 38 years for nothing.”

Appalling On-Calling
HOSPITAL | WORKING | NOVEMBER 2, 2013
(I am the only person in our staff of computer services workers for the hospital to do the after-hours and weekend on-call duty. This weekend, I have arranged to give on-call duty to another person, since I am moving house. The change in on-call procedure has been sent out as a system-wide email, and is posted on the first login screen every staffer uses. At 11:30 pm, I get a call on my personal cell phone. All on-call requests are supposed to go to the pager the department owns, so I answer, thinking it is a friend.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, [My Name], it’s [Name] on Switchboard. My monitor’s colors look a little weird; can you come in and replace it?”

Me: “I’m afraid not. I arranged over a month ago to have [Coworker] take on-call duty this weekend, since I’m moving house. That change is posted all over—”

Caller: “But I can’t see the colors right!”

Me: “I’m not the staffer on call this weekend; you’ll have to call [Coworker]. Besides, the system is monochrome. You don’t need accurate colors.”

Caller: “[Coworker] won’t come out for this! Besides, it isn’t the system I need.”

Me: “What program are you using?”

Caller: “I’m surfing the internet!”

Me: “Can you get into the system and use it?”

Caller: “Of course!”

Me: “So you are calling me because you can’t do something you are not supposed to be doing, after you’ve been informed that I am not the on-call person this weekend? I’m not coming in for this. Call [Coworker].”

Caller: “I’m going to report you to your boss and HR!”

(The caller actually did. When my boss asks me about the invective-laden email that was sent to both him and the head of HR, I told him what really happened and why I refused to come in to work and change out the monitor. The caller got read the riot act by the head of HR!)

I Should Be So Ducky
FAST FOOD | RIGHT | MARCH 21, 2013
Me: “Hi, welcome to [fast food place]! How can I help you?”

Elderly Customer: “Yes. I’ll have a small hamburger, a small fry, and a small coffee, for here, please.”

Me: “Certainly. Would you like cream and sugar with your coffee?”

Elderly Customer: “Of course. Two cream, and two sugar, please.”

Me: “Your total is $[total].”

(The Elderly Customer hands me more than enough to cover the meal.)

Elderly Customer: “Keep the change.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re not allowed to take tips.”

Elderly Customer: “Really? What’s this world coming to! Customers should be allowed to tip for good service.”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that, sir. Here’s your food. Is there anything else that you would like?”

Elderly Customer: “No, thanks.”†

(He takes his food off to the lobby. A short while later, he’s back at my register.)

Me: “Did you need a refill on your coffee, sir?”

Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I refill his coffee. When I return with his cup, he takes it, smiles at me, and leaves the store. Sitting on the counter where he was standing, is a small balloon duck. The duck has a note.)

Note: “This isn’t a tip; he’s a gift. I hope that he brings a smile to your face.”

On The Acoustical Properties of Wheelchairs

Customer: “You’ll have to speak up, love. I’m in a wheelchair!”

Not So Plainly Understood
RESTAURANT | WORKING | JANUARY 30, 2014
(My mother has a severe mustard allergy. Even a small bit will make her violently ill. We are at a drive-up fast food restaurant where you park next to a speaker and the food is brought to your car. My mother orders a plain hamburger. The employee brings our our meal, and my mother checks her sandwich before biting into it. It is covered in ketchup and mustard.)

Mother: *presses button speaker* “My sandwich is wrong. It needs to be PLAIN.”

(The employee comes out looking annoyed, takes the sandwich, and leaves without saying a word. A few minutes later she returns, practically throws the food at my mother, and leaves again. My mother opens the sandwich and explodes. It is the same sandwich with the condiments just partially scraped off. She rings the speaker again and requests a manager, and explains what has happened. The manager comes out to the car and starts speaking to my mother as if she’s a child.)

Manager: “[Employee] remade your sandwich completely, ma’am. She told me so. It’s not the same food.”

Mother: “YES, IT IS!”

Manager: “No. She remade it.”

(My mother silently holds up the sandwich and opens the bun to show that it’s still covered in ketchup and mustard.)

Manager: “I… see. I apologize. I’ll be right back with another one.”

(We would have loved to be a fly on the wall when the manager got her hands on the employee who had lied to her and made her look foolish.)

Doing Right(click) By The Aged
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | AUGUST 12, 2013
(I work for a company that produces a word processing software, which I am supporting.)

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. Can I have your case number?”

(The customer provides the information. Just by the voice, I know the customer is an older lady. Usually, this means a 45+ minutes call, just because of the technology challenges.)

Me: “Could you right-click on the start button?”

Customer: “Okay, I have programs, documents, settings—”

Me: “That’s left-clicking. Could you please right-click on the start button?”

Customer: “Okay, but I still get programs, documents, settings.”

Me: “Could you describe to me, visually and step by step, what you are doing?”

Customer: “I’m putting the mouse cursor over the right part of the word ‘start’, and I click.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I was not clear. Is it possible for you to click using the right mouse button?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Okay, please pick up your mouse by the wire, and hold it up in the air.”

Customer: “I feel stupid.”

Me: “No, ma’am, you’re not. We’re all starting from different points. I’m a geek, so it’s normal if I’m a bit ahead of the curve, as far as this stuff goes. I just need to make sure that we’re on a level field, here.”

Customer: “Okay, it’s in the air.”

Me: “Great! Between your wire and your palm-resting are—”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Okay, put it flat again, and put your hand on your mouse, as if to use it.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it, the place where my palm is resting.”

Me: “Exactly. Pick it up again. Between the wire and the palm-resting area, there is an area that is divided vertically. How many sections are there?”

Customer: “Two”

Me: “Great! Ma’am, I would like to formally introduce you to your left mouse button and your right mouse button. So when I ask you to right-click—”

Customer: “You want me to use the right mouse button!”

Me: “You’re a smart one!”

(It turns out that the older lady is 96 years old. She was doing her shuffleboard association’s newsletter, and her software had become thoroughly corrupted and needed to be reinstalled. We spend over an hour and a half. This lady had seen the advent of movies, TV, color TV, had seen the Model T, saw the first planes, radio and all. When I will be 96 years old, I just hope I am as technologically savvy as she is!)

When Your Number Is Up
CANADA, GAMES, HEALTH & BODY, JERK | RIGHT | MAY 19, 2010
Customer: “Hi, I’m here for the immunization clinic.”

Me: “Sir, this is a bingo hall.”

Customer: “You’re mistaken. The people at the hospital told me to come here.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, this is a bingo hall. I don’t know why they would tell you to come here.”

Customer: “What are those people doing here then?” *points at the people playing bingo*

Me: “They’re playing bingo, sir.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me! You just want me to die!”

It Pays to Be Not Always Right
KIOSK, RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2012
(I’m the customer at a drink concession stand at a music festival. Sodas are $2 and special flavored waters (watermelon or blackberry) are $3.)

Me: “I’ll have a Sprite.”

Cashier: “We are all out of Sprite, sorry.”

Me: “Dang. I’d like a [brand of flavored water], but I only have $2. I’ll have a Coke.”

Cashier: “Would you like Blackberry or Watermelon?”

Me: “Coke.”

Cashier: “Blackberry or Watermelon?”

Me: “COKE.”

Cashier: *very slowly, with a knowing look on her face* “Blackberry or Watermelon?”

Me: “COKE!”

Another Cashier: *to me* “She’s trying to give you the water for the price of the soda.”

Me: “Oh! Er, Blackberry.”

Cashier: “There we go!”

They Ruled With An Iron(ic) Fist
SCHOOL | LEARNING | AUGUST 26, 2013
Teacher: “Tell us about Stalin.”

Student: “Well, he was Russian—”

Teacher: “No, he wasn’t! He was born in Georgia. Georgia’s not Russia, even though both countries would be part of the Soviet Union…”

(The teacher goes on a five-minute rant about not treating Russia as a synonym of the USSR.)

Teacher: “It’s really awful! This is the umpteenth time I find such level of ignorance in England.”

Student: “I’m sorry, teacher, but we’re in Wales, and Wales is not in England, even though they’re both in the UK, just like Georgia’s not in Russia, even though they were both part of the USSR!”

Not For The Faint Of Puke
RETAIL | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 19, 2011
(We often get calls asking about our various prank items.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [magic shop]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have fake barf?”

Me: “Yes, we do. What kind do you need?”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘What kind?'”

Me: “We carry regular, extra large, super chunky, and pet puke.”

Customer: “That’s disgusting!”

Me: “You asked.”

Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 4
COPY SHOP | RIGHT | JULY 12, 2011
(On our self serve copiers, the customer must press a button on the screen indicating whether or not they’re finished copying. If they press “YES” they receive a receipt to take to the cashier.)

Customer: “I’ve never used these before!”

Me: “Not to worry, it’s really easy.”

(I proceed to give her the run down, including telling her not to press the “YES” button until she’s done with all of her copying for this visit. The customer proceeds to make one copy and press “YES”.)

Customer: “What? I don’t want a receipt yet!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you just told it you were done making copies. Next time, press the ‘NO’ button if you still have more to make.”

(The customer proceeds to make another copy and presses “YES”.)

Customer: “Stupid machines!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you aren’t done, you should press ‘NO’.”

Customer: “I know! I know! I know! I know what I’m doing! I’ve just never used this machine before!”

(I finally gave up trying and went back to my work. She eventually came up to my register with over a dozen copy receipts, complaining how stupid the machines were.)

Y, Will, Y Will, Rock U!
ELECTRONICS STORE, SILLY, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 14, 2007
Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I wanna know if you have any Y’s in stock?” *pronouncing it ‘Why’*

Me: “Y’s? I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “The Y’s! You know, the Y’s!”

Me: “You mean the Wii?”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever.”

Only Filthy Thing Is The Attitude
APARTMENT COMPLEX | WORKING | JUNE 3, 2014
(I am moving out of my apartment. I am 24 years old. There is a maintenance worker at the complex who is going to come in and do a quick inspection before I leave. I’m a fairly disorganized guy, but I am able to spend the entire day, from eight am to four pm, cleaning up the apartment and getting it in a good condition before I leave. It isn’t perfect, but it is definitely in a good condition and doesn’t need any major repairs. Finally, at about four pm, the maintenance guy comes in. He walks in clearly already in a huffy, nasty mood, and looks around the apartment with a nasty scowl on his face the entire time. After he is finished, he calls me into the kitchen.)

Me: “How’s the place? It’s not perfect, but I don’t see anything too wrong with it.”

Maintenance Worker: “This place is filthy! Don’t you kids know how to clean? This is pitiful.”

(I look around. Not to toot my own horn, but it was pretty darned clean. Easily the cleanest I’ve ever seen an apartment that was lived in by a single male in his mid 20s.)

Me: “Uh… it looks okay to me.”

Maintenance Worker: “You clearly didn’t clean at all! I don’t think your security deposit will even begin to cover everything that needs to be done!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but what EXACTLY is wrong with it? I spent eight hours straight cleaning, and even had a friend over earlier helping me out.”

(He doesn’t respond for several moments. He is clearly straining to think of something to say.)

Maintenance Worker: “Well, uh… there’s a stain on the carpet! That’s going to eat up your entire security deposit alone!”

(I look. There is an ever-so-slight stain on the carpet that is so faint, I hadn’t even noticed it.)

Me: “I can’t tell if it is a stain, or if it is just a damp-spot because I cleaned the carpet earlier.”

Maintenance Worker: *becoming huffy* “I also saw [Breakfast Cereal] on the floor of the kitchen here! You didn’t sweep! THERE IS [Breakfast Cereal] EVERYWHERE!”

(I look around, because I had indeed swept and the floor was spotless. There is no Breakfast Cereal on the floor. I sigh, realizing that he is having a bad day and is just trying to come up with an excuse to not give me back my deposit.)

Maintenance Worker: “Do you KNOW how much it costs us to clean up [Breakfast Cereal] off the floor?!”

Me: “Yeah… it doesn’t cost anything.”

(He huffs and puffs and continues to come up with completely fabricated examples of how ‘filthy’ the apartment is. He also tries to blame me for plumbing problems with the complex that clearly aren’t my fault, since they existed before I moved in and I had even complained about them previously. He finally leaves without so much as a good-bye, muttering to himself about how I was a ‘sloppy little kid.’ Frustrated, I go to the office to return my key, because I want to get out as soon as possible, and don’t want to deal with him any more. The secretary glares at me as I return my key.)

Secretary: “Why are you giving me the key? You’re supposed to be here over the weekend.”

Me: “What?”

Secretary: “The maintenance guy told me you agreed to come in Saturday and Sunday to clean out your apartment more, because he said it was filthy. Of course, this means that you’re going to have to pay us for the extra time you’re here, since you’ll technically have to rent out the apartment an extra few days. So you’re going to need to bring us a check for $25 to cover the weekend.”

Me: “I NEVER agreed to come in over the weekend, and my apartment is not ‘filthy.’ You won’t be getting any more money because I’m returning the key today. My lease is up today, and I am leaving today.”

Secretary: “Why would you lie to the maintenance worker? He said you told him you’d come in to clean the apartment, and even shook hands over it.”

Me: “I most certainly did not. He was being absolutely mean when he did my inspection, over-exaggerated everything, and blamed me for problems that didn’t exist.”

Secretary: “He wouldn’t lie to me. I know you told him you’d come in this weekend!”

Me: *throwing the key on the desk in front of her* “If this is how you’re going to treat someone who always paid rent on time, and went out of my way to be friendly, then I want nothing to do with this complex. And you better not keep my security deposit, because there’s nothing wrong with the apartment!”

Secretary: “How will you get into your apartment tomorrow to clean then? And remember, we need a check for $25!”

Me: “No, I’m moving out today. You won’t be getting a check! And I won’t be in tomorrow to clean! I can’t make this any clearer! I’m gone today!”

Secretary: “Fine! But if your place is filthy, expect to be contacted by a lawyer, because we’ll expect you to cover the cost of cleaning if your security deposit doesn’t cover the cost entirely!”

(I left. About a month later, I got my security deposit back, almost completely in full, because- surprise, surprise -there wasn’t much of anything wrong with the apartment.)

(Ph)Owned
RETAIL | WORKING | JUNE 18, 2012
(My two sisters and I work together. One of my sisters gets migraines and has missed a lot of work. She also happens to be a very close friend of the owner’s son.)

Manager: “If your sister misses another day of work, I’m firing all three of you.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

Manager: “Nope. I can fire you any time I want. I can fire you right now if I feel like it!”

(The owner’s son has actually been standing quietly behind the manager with his cellphone in hand.)

Owner’s Son: “Hey [manager], I got my dad on the phone here. He heard what you just said and he’d like to have a word with you…”

(The manager turns bright red and walks away, holding the phone to his ear. The owner’s son turns to me with a big smile.)

Owner’s Son: “Tell your sister I said get well soon!”

Bringing You Up To Speed About Your State
POLICE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 18, 2015
(I am stopped while driving cross-country, going about 95.)

Highway Patrol: “Do you know how fast you were going, Ma’am?”

Me: “About 95. I thought there was no speed limit in Montana.”

Highway Patrol: “Yes, there is, Ma’am. And you’re in Idaho.”

(I got the ticket.)

Closing The Windows On This Scam
RETAIL | WORKING | AUGUST 11, 2015
(We commonly get random sales calls at work, but as we’re a company chain store, we usually give the corporate number and that’s that. For the past four days, though, we have gotten a scam call from an 800 number that ends with four zeros at the end, which is how we have kept track of it. He has a strong accent, gives random male names, and always says he is with tech and calling about our computer.)

Me: “[Store], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Tech: “Hi, this is Kevin. I am calling about your computer.”

Me: *rolls eyes at coworkers and mouths that it’s him again* “Yes, what about the computer?”

Tech: “Yes, your computer is having problems.”

Me: “Oh, really? What kind of problems are you talking about?”

Tech: “Well, when you are getting on the Internet, you are having problems.”

Me: “Hmm, no, really haven’t. Can you explain what you mean?”

Tech: *getting frustrated* When you are getting on the Facebook and your emails, you are getting things that are slowing your computer down. Are you seeing things like that?”

Me: “Nope, haven’t seen a thing.”

Tech: “Well, that is what is happening. Are you sitting in front of your computer?”

Me: “I am.”

Tech: “Is this computer on?”

Me: “No. Should I turn it on?”

Tech: “Yes, I need for you to turn it on for me.”

Me: “It’ll take a little bit.”

(I’m nowhere near a computer, so I stand to the side writing down everything that he’s said to me so far.)

Me: “Okay, it’s on now.”

Tech: “Is it on the Windows?”

Me: “Windows? No. We have it on the desk.”

Tech: “I mean do you have Windows on your computer?”

Me: “No, I don’t believe in that modding nonsense for computers.”

Tech: *getting frustrated again* “Is your computer run by Windows?”

Me: “Oh! You mean is my operating system Windows! Yes, it is.”

Tech: “Yes, then do you see your keyboard?”

Me: “I see it.”

Tech: “Do you see your control key?”

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Tech: “Do you see what’s beside it?”

Me: “The control key? There’s a shift.”

Tech: *getting angry again*“No, what is beside it.”

Me: “Well, there’s a key that looks like a menu item. That one?”

Tech: “No! On the left side control key.”

Me: “Oh! You mean my Windows key! Yeah, I see it.”

Tech: “I need you to press this down and ‘R’ at the same time.”

Me: “Okay, why do I need to do that?”

Tech: “This will open up this black box so you can type run in there. Is this black box up?”

Me: “No, I don’t have a black box up. What was I supposed to do again?”

Tech: “You need to be pressing the Windows key and the R key at the same time.”

Me: “Oh, you must want me to prompt a run command. Is that what you mean for me to do?”

Tech: “Yes—”

Me: “—and then you’re going to tell me how to give you access to my computer next. Of course, if my computer was actually running slow, I could always go into the BIOS to check things. Or I could get the TDSSKiller. Or run Spybot, or a number of other programs. However, I don’t think I have a problem. I think you just want remote access to my computer so you can still hard earned money from me. Luckily for me, I’m not stupid. You’re calling a company phone, so even if I did run that command, you wouldn’t have gotten anything from us. I will be notifying the necessary people about you and your scam. This number will be posted up so customers will know in advance you are a scam artist, and if you call here again, we are not going to be this nice to you. Do not call this number again.”

Tech: “You are an idiot.”

Me: “And you’re just angry that it didn’t work.” *click*

The Customers Are The Biggest Pest
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2015
(I recently started training for a pest control company setting up free inspections for ants, spiders, rodents, etc. This older gentleman is one of my very first calls.)

Caller: “I think there’s something in my crawl space and I need to know what it is!”

Me: “Okay, I would be happy to get a free technician out to identify what’s down there and give you a solution.”

Caller: “You can’t just tell me what it is?”

Me: “No, sir… We would need to get eyes on it to know what it is.”

Caller: *urgently* “Oh, no, that won’t do at all. I NEED to know what it is!”

Me: “In all honesty, sir, bugs and pests are so varied that no one but a tech would be able to diagnose that.”

Caller: “Can I talk to a tech then?”

Me: “They’re out in the field currently, but they truly would need to see the pest and the conditions in order to hel—”

Caller: “Oh, that just won’t work. I’ll call someone else!” *click*

Trainer: “Who’s he going to call?! Psychic Pest Control?”

Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories
RUDE & RISQUE, SANDWICH SHOP, USA | RIGHT | MAY 18, 2009
(A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

Me: “Sure”.

(I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

(I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)

A Funny Resolution
GAS STATION, HOLIDAYS, MASSACHUSETTS, ONE-LINER, USA | WORKING | DECEMBER 17, 2012
(I am working the New Year’s Eve to New Year’s Day graveyard shift. A man comes in at 12:15 am.)

Customer: “How fresh is that coffee?”

Me: “Well, it was made last year.”

Customer: *laughs and gets a large*

Can’t Kiss Them Goodbye
RIGHT | APRIL 30, 2016
(I’m a woman at a store with my girlfriend. While we’re giving each other the occasional kiss, it’s nothing too obnoxious. Another customer sees us and storms over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you two [slurs] do at home, but this is being out in public. There could be kids here!”

Me: “Sir, we’re not doing anything remotely wrong.”

Customer: “Keep saying that, [slur]! I’ll get you kicked out!”

Girlfriend: “What’s your problem? We haven’t done anything to you!”

Customer: “You f****s are all the same. First you demand equality, then you attack us, then you cry out when we retaliate. You all should be rounded up and killed!”

Me: “Uhm, sir, all we’ve done is kiss. If that’s so offensive, then you can leave.”

Customer: “F*** you, you f**** [slur]! Go to h***!”

(We run and get an employee, who calls a manager over. We tell him what happened, and the customer comes over.)

Customer: “You! Manager! I demand you remove these two [slurs] at once!”

Manager: “No. They have done nothing disruptive. You, however, need to get out.”

Customer: “What?! But I’m straight! These two f***s are gonna terrorize this place! You have to kick them out!”

Manager: “Get out before I call security.”

Customer: “If you won’t kick them out, I will!”

(The customer lunges for me and my girlfriend. The employee suddenly grabs his collar and yanks him away from us. The manager starts calling security over while the guy keeps screaming at us.)

Customer: “YOU TWO [slurs] SHOULD BE KILLED! BEHEADED!”

Manager: “Please quiet down; there are kids in the store.” *he turns to me and my girlfriend* “Are you two okay?”

Me: “Yeah, we’re both fine.”

(Security arrived and tried to drag him out. He kept trying to get us, eventually turning to the officers. The police were called, and the manager took us to his office to wait. The police showed up soon after. We gave our statements, and then watched the guy get arrested. Apparently he’d assaulted other people, and threatened to kill ‘those f***s’ several times.)

Not Feline This Sub
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT, SARCASM | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2015
(I work in a popular sandwich shop.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a tuna sub please.”

(I make the sandwich and the customer pays and leaves. Forty minutes later the customer comes back with an oddly mulled sandwich.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to exchange this for a new sub.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Was there something wrong with the tuna?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “I brought it home and went to get something done. I came back to the kitchen and my cat was on the table eating it.”

Me: *blinking in shock* “I’m sorry, sir, but we aren’t responsible for your pets eating your food…”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD REPLACE THIS! THE SANDWICH IS DAMAGED AND I CAN’T EAT IT! YOU SHOULD REPLACE IT!”

(I can be very sarcastic when annoyed.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t. We can, however, see about getting your cat its own sub card.”

(The customer proceeded to throw the sub, which was filled with cat hair, on the counter and scream at my me, threatening to call corporate on me before storming out. If the cat was rating the sub we’d have gotten two paws up because most of it was gone.)

Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, RUDE & RISQUE, TECHNOLOGY | RIGHT | JULY 6, 2009
(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

Me: “Welcome to [Electronics Store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

Husband: “Mostly p*rn.”

Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

Wife: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

Sharing His Alcohol Problem
LIQUOR STORE | RIGHT | MAY 7, 2014
(It’s about 1 pm when a clearly drunk and staggering man approaches me in the store. I am also a customer.)

Customer: “Hiya, pretty lady. Wanna go for a drink with me?”

Me: “Um… no, thank you. I’m very busy today and am happily married!”

Customer: “Well… too bad for you!”

(Moments later at the registers, I am in line with couple of customers behind me. The drunken customer stumbles up to them.)

Customer: “Do ya mind if I butt in line ‘ere?”

Other Customer: “Sorry, man. We were here first and the wait really isn’t that long.”

Customer: *pointing at me* “I just wanna stand next to her!”

(At this point I am having my things rung through at the till and exchange a worried glance with the cashier.)

Cashier: *to the drunken customer* “You wait your place in line, sir! Just like everybody else!” *quietly, to me, handing me my purchases* “You go on and get out of here. I’m sending someone out to get his plate number ‘cause he drove here and is clearly pretty intoxicated. Have a nice day. We’ll handle the creep!”

(I leave pretty quick and the drunk customer tries to follow me out, but is stopped by the manager. I didn’t hear what happened, but I am sure thankful the staff was keeping an eye out that afternoon!)

Going Whacko Over A Taco
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | APRIL 13, 2015
(I am working in the drive-thru, when a customer who is always missing food pulls up to the window.)

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “Can I have some sauce, too?”

Me: “Yeah, no problem.”

(That’s when I recognized him. I repeat his order and make sure there is absolutely nothing wrong and he agrees with me. I quadruple check the bag and show all the employee’s so everyone knows he got all his food. I even take a picture. He comes back in five minutes later.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t get my taco.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the taco was in the bag when I gave it to you.”

Customer: “Well, it’s not in there now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but when I handed you the food it was in there.”

Customer: “Well, where is it then? Cause it’s not in there.”

(He proceeds to show me the bag.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you must have taken it out because it was in there when I handed it to you.”

Customer: “Okay. Okay. I’ve seen you walking around, man. I’ll find you.”

(He really just threatened me. Like, wow. So I show him the picture.)

Customer: “…That’s not my food.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, it was. I just took it a couple minutes ago right before I gave you your food.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Now do you want to threaten me again, or do you want to leave?”

(He left.)

Addressing The Underlying Problem
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2015
(I have a customer who is trying to return an opened package of undergarments. Like the vast majority of retailers, for hygienic reasons, we have a final-sale policy on all underwear. I explain this to the customer.)

Customer: “I didn’t know that it was going to be final sale!”

Me: “That’s our return policy, ma’am. All underwear is final sale, no refunds, returns, or exchanges.”

Customer: “I’ve never heard or seen that policy anywhere!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have our policy written on this large sign right above my register, and it’s even printed on your receipt. You were given ample opportunity to read our policy.”

Customer: “Well, WHY would I WANT to read it?!”

(While I know that customers not reading signs is nothing new, this was my first time seeing someone show so much indignation over it. I found this to be incredibly annoying.)

Me: “Because you’re a very intelligent lady who makes informed decisions!”

(The customer took her underwear and quietly left my store.)

Driving Away Customers
COFFEE SHOP, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, PENNSYLVANIA, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 6, 2017
(I’m getting coffee with a friend who works as a policeman. As we are sitting, a man leaves the shop, then immediately comes back in, furious.)

Customer: “My car is gone!”

(My friend identifies himself and steps outside with a coffee shop employee. They soon locate the car, which has rolled down the hill, hopped a barrier, and crashed into a concrete barrier.)

Customer: “[Coffee Shop] destroyed my car! I’m suing! I’ll own this place!”

(My friend calls for on duty officers and they arrive quickly. As soon as they investigate, there’s some issue.)

Officer: “Sir? Where did you park your car?”

Customer: “Over there.” *indicates the fire lane*

Officer: “So, you illegally parked your car in the fire lane, blocking the handicap ramp. Parked is the wrong word though. We found the car running and still in gear.”

Customer: “I was just going to be a moment! I’m going to sue [Coffee Shop] for this!”

Officer: “Uh, no. You won’t.”

Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None
BIZARRE, CALL CENTER, HOTEL, MONEY, USA | RIGHT | JULY 21, 2008
(A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

Me: “I apologize, sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I can review the terms and conditions with you…”

Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

(At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multi-talented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.

The Lesser Of Two Musical Evils
MUSIC STORE | RIGHT | MARCH 2, 2012
Customer: “Can you help me? It’s my daughter’s birthday and she said she wanted a CD by some band. I can’t remember the name. I have it written down here.”

(She produces a piece of paper. On it is written the name of a popular German rock band. Note that most of this band’s songs are in German, so most of the writing on their CDs is too.)

Me: “Oh, good choice. They’re a great band. We have several of their CDs right over here.”

Customer: “Hold on. All this writing is in another language!”

Me: “Yes, madam, it’s German.”

Customer: “*horrified* “Oh, God! Not this again! This is that Nazi band she’s been listening to! I thought we’d got her out of that phase!”

Me: “Madam, I can assure you this band is not a Nazi band.”

Customer: “But they’re German!”

Me: “Madam, I happen to be a fan of this particular band myself. I can assure you they are not Nazis. One of their songs is even about how they are politically left-wing.”

Customer: *aghast* “Socialists?!”