What Kind Of Mutant Platypus Has He Been Seeing?!

Extra Stupid, Gift Shop, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 20, 2019


(I observe this couple in a gift shop.)

Wife: *picks up a realistic stuffed narwhal toy* “Aww, honey, look at this!”

Husband: “What is that?! Is that, like, one of them platypuses?”

Wife: “No, it’s a narwhal!”

Husband: “A what?”

Wife: “A narwhal. It’s a whale with a horn that lives in the Arctic.”

Husband: “And… it’s real?”

Wife: “Yes, it’s real! Have you seriously never heard of a narwhal?!”

Husband: “Never. That thing looks like a f****** unicorn-manatee or something!”

(I’m not sure what’s stranger — that this guy had never heard of a narwhal, or that he had apparently heard of a platypus but thinks it looks like a whale!)

What A βλάκας

Extra Stupid, home, Language & Words, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | March 15, 2019


(In this story, I am sitting downstairs with my husband and our roommate. I am on our roommate’s laptop doing a search for them as they are terrible about finding things online. My husband is playing a game on his phone while I do this.)

Husband: “There are these two other players in the game who always talk to each other in this other language. I don’t know if it is Russian or Hebrew. You’re good at that sort of thing; take a look.”

(I am currently only fluent in English, but I am learning Swedish on a language app. I can usually tell which language something is in, although there are times where I can’t. I go over to look at the phone, he shows me, and I take a quick look and go back to what I was doing.)

Me: “That looks like it is either Greek or Russian. I didn’t get a good look at it.”

Husband: “Probably Russian, then; nobody speaks Greek nowadays since it is a dead language.”

Me: *looks back up and gives him a strange look* “I think you are confusing that with Latin.”

Husband: *shrugs* “I know Latin is, but I am pretty sure Greek is a dead language, too.”

Me: *looks back and forth between him and the laptop I am currently on* “No, there are still people in the world who speak Greek.”

Husband: “Not that many, though.”

(I just stared at him for a few seconds and then dropped the subject to continue what I was doing, but internally I was shaking my head. I looked it up the next day; Greek is spoken by about 13 million people.)

Don’t Lick It Or You’ll Have Bad Breath Of The Wild

Games, home, Missouri, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Springfield, USA | Romantic | March 11, 2019


(Conversations like this are the normal thing in my household.)

Me: “Hmm… So, I am thinking about being dumb.”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Because Nintendo Switch cartridges are so tiny, Nintendo has them coated in a non-toxic substance that tastes horrible to prevent them from being swallowed by little kids.”

Husband: “Oh, no.”

Me: “And Breath of the Wild is the only cartridge I have, but I’m tempted to pop it out and lick it just to see if it is true.”

Husband: *monotone* “That would be dumb, honey.”

If The Cap Fits…

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | March 10, 2019


(My husband and I have recently watched a B-list movie with an actor who repeatedly says, “I’m gonna pop a cap in your a**,” to the point that we have jokingly quoted it on random occasions. I walk in from work one day after a long, stressful day and corner him.)

Me: “I’m going to pop a kiss on your lips.”

Husband: “I definitely like that over the alternative.”

Can’t Finnish What She Started

Canada, Flirting, Medical Office, Ontario, Silly, Toronto | Right Romantic | March 7, 2019


(I work with an EMS group and we are taking people’s blood pressure for free. I am taking an older woman’s blood pressure. I am a young, white, blonde, blue-eyed guy.)

Woman: “Are you finished?”

Me: “No, I just started.”

Woman: “No, no. Are you Finnish? My granddaughter is Finnish—“ *points to her beautiful, blonde granddaughter* “—and she is single.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I’m married.”

Customer Next To Me: “I’m Finnish!”

(I bet you $5 he wasn’t.)

That’s The Pay To Do It

Flirting, home, Illinois, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 7, 2019


(My husband and I are in the bedroom. He’s very tired but he’s playing with our eleven-month-old baby on our bed so I can fold and put away the laundry. As I pull a shirt out of the basket, I see a dollar bill which I gleefully wave around.)

Me: “I just got paid!”

Husband: *sleepily* “Good, now go buy yourself something nice.”

Me: *in a pretend pout* “You’re supposed to stick that into my bra when you say that!”

You’re The Apple Of My Die

British Columbia, Canada, Great Stuff, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 4, 2019


(We live in a small town surrounded by a whole lot of forest. One day my husband comes home from the store and I start to put the shopping away.)

Me: “You know your husband is trying to kill you when he buys you apple-scented shampoo in bear season

Try Not To Do That, Deer

Car, Montana, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 1, 2019


(My husband and I make arrangements to buy a used SUV to replace our current one. We’re driving home in the current vehicle, with an appointment to switch vehicles the next weekend.)

Husband: “So, we’re done with the paperwork for the [new SUV]. What happens if we wreck this SUV in the meantime?”

Me: “Well, we’re still insured for this one. We’d have to report to [Insurance Company] and do the deductible and so forth. Big pain, but I’m sure it happens.”

Husband: “We’ll try really hard not to do that.”

(Less than two miles later, my husband spots three deer by the side of the road, and watches them. I’m looking straight ahead and I see the fourth deer — literally a deer in the headlights — in the middle of the road.)

Me: “Watch out! Deer in the road!”

(My husband brakes like mad and swerves around the deer, muttering various expletives. We miss the deer, which finally moves across and off the road.)

Husband: “What did we just say about trying hard not to do

They Cardly Notice Each Other Anymore

Florida, Holidays, Ignoring & Inattentive, Office, Spouses & Partners, Tampa, USA | Romantic | February 27, 2019


(My husband typically works the day shift at his employer. Two weeks ago, the company got a new contract for a job that requires work be done during the night shift, and my husband, being one of the newer employees, is chosen for the job. Instead of working from six am to six pm, he’s now working from six pm to six am and sleeping during the day while I’m away at work. Unfortunately, this means our original plans for Valentine’s Day are ruined, and while we’re sad about it, we decide to celebrate on a later date. Still wanting to do something, I buy a card for him and place it underneath his phone before I leave for work on Valentine’s Day, hoping he’ll see it when he wakes up. Around noon, I get a phone call from him.)

Husband: “Happy Valentine’s Day. I just wanted to let you know I’m heading into work early today. The new guy broke one of the machines, so I’m going to see if I can fix it before calling in the tech. Good news is that since I’ll be there at one this afternoon, I can leave around midnight rather than stay until six, so I can catch up on sleep. Did you see the card I left you?”

Me: “Umm… What card?”

Husband: “Seriously? I left it right by your purse so you’d see it before you left for work.”

Me: *chuckling* “I’m really sorry. I’ll look for it when I get home. Speaking of which, did you see the card I left you?”

Husband: “Uh…”

Me: “Are you kidding me right now? I left it underneath your phone!”

Husband: *chuckling* “I don’t know what to say. I really don’t.”

Me: “Sheesh. We really belong together, don’t we?”

Husband: “Or we’re just both unobservant.”

Me: “You know what? Don’t ruin the moment on Valentine’s Day.”

(Sure enough, I found his card in the same spot where I left it, and my card was next to where my purse was sitting.)

Taking Some Terror-Of-The-Nyquil

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, USA | Romantic | February 26, 2019


(My girlfriend and I are in bed. I’ve been having bad insomnia, so I get some sleeping medicine to try to help. I’ve never taken it before, so I don’t know how I will react. This is what happens, according to my girlfriend. I roll over with my eyes barely open and speak to her.)

Me: “They walk among us, but we can’t see them.”

Girlfriend: “Who’s ‘they’?”

Me: “I… I don’t know. They can be shadows or have writhing tentacles that they take people with and eat them. They can take the form of a black dog or a raven.”

(I have no memory of this, but my girlfriend was — rightfully so — pretty scared to go back to sleep!)

Microchip Micro-Aggressions

Car, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wyoming | Romantic | February 25, 2019


(My husband and I have just dropped off our kitten to get spayed and microchipped. It’s important to note that we have other dogs and cats, and my dad is a narcissist who tried breaking us up several years ago.)

Me: “Let’s get the Bengals microchipped when we get their next shots.”

Husband: “Deal. Do they mark the ear to show they’re microchipped?”

Me: “I don’t know. I know dogs get tags.” *pauses and glances at my husband* “I wonder if they microchip husbands.”

Husband: *laughs* “Man found on side of road, bump on head. Doctors say his last memory was telling wife that father-in-law was right all along.”

Me: “Yep, that’d do it!”

Time To Sitz Down

home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 23, 2019


(My husband uses a sitz bath. I am in the bathroom and the thing keeps falling over, so I’m grumbling at it. This happens when I come back out to the living room.)

Husband: “What were you grumbling about?”

Me: “Your stupid thing kept falling over.”

Husband: “That’s what you were complaining about?”

Me: *opening the door to go upstairs* “The thing for the pain in the a** was being a pain in the a**.” *closes the door and then realizes what I said before opening it again* “I was talking about the sitz bath, not you.”

It’s Women That Drive The Relationship

Australia, Bigotry, Car, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | February 20, 2019


(My husband and myself are driving along a dirt road when I notice an odd noise.)

Me: “There’s an odd noise on my side of the car; it’s like something is scraping.”

Husband: “I can’t hear a thing.”

Me: “It’s coming from the passenger side front wheel and it gets louder when you use the brakes.”

Husband: “We are on a dirt road; how would you hear anything? Just your imagination.”

(He won’t listen to me when I keep complaining about the noise for the next couple of weeks; he still can’t hear a thing. We need to get a registration inspection and tune-up done; we always get a mobile mechanic to come to our home.)

Mechanic: “Okay, I just need to duck off and get some new spark plugs. Is there anything else you can think of that might need doing?”

Me: “There’s a noise in the front passenger side wheel.”

Mechanic: “I just took it for a drive and didn’t hear a thing.”

Me: “I keep hearing a scrape coming from there; I think it’s the brakes.”

Mechanic: “Okay, your brakes are well within specifications–” *shows me the printout from the test he performed* “–but if it makes you happy, I’ll take a quick look at them.” *takes the wheel off to examine the pads and disks.* “Oh, my God! You were right about the brakes; the brake pad is so worn that it’s almost metal on metal. How on earth did you hear that?”

(He completes the service and I pay the bill.)

Mechanic: “Oh, if your husband says anything about the extra charge for the brakes, tell him I think his wife has bloody good hearing and that she probably saved his life, because those brakes wouldn’t have lasted a month. I’ll leave you the old pads to prove it.”

(My husband still won’t believe me and tells me that the mechanic was just humouring me because I am a woman and got extra money for nothing. My dad turns up, and my husband shows him the brake pads.)

Husband: “What do you think of these?”

Dad: *gasps* “I’ve never seen such badly worn pads in my life! You’re lucky, because I don’t think they would have lasted two more weeks.”

(That finally shut him up, but it had to come from a man because women don’t know anything about cars.)

Tongs Of Joy

home, Montana, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 17, 2019


(Earlier in the day I watched a popular de-cluttering television show. Now, I am attempting to cook in my mother-in-law’s kitchen and failing miserably because I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Arrrgh!”

Husband: “Hun? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mom has so much junk in these drawers that I can’t even open them!”

Husband: “I know, and you know, she blames it on the grandkids!”

Me: “Seriously?! Who needs this many sets of tongs?!”

Husband: “Yeah…”

Me: “That’s it. I’m going to sit your mom down and make her hold each pair of tongs and tell me which ones bring her joy!”

A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Diet Go Down

Engaged, Food & Drink, Health & Body, home, USA |
Romantic | February 16, 2019

(I am trying to lose a bit of weight before my wedding, but I tend to have somewhat poor impulse control, foodwise. My fiancé knows this, as I have asked for his help to keep me on track. I am at his mother’s house for lunch one day, and I see that she has made brownies for us. Trying to be good, I cut a piece in half and offer one piece to my fiancé.)

Fiancé: “I was going to have a whole piece, actually.”

Me: “Oh, okay.” *picks up the second half along with my half*

Fiancé: “But if it will help you stay on track…” *takes his half back*

Me: *disappointed* “Oh… But you wanted more!”

Fiancé: “Yes, but I also want to help you with this! You did ask me to, you know.”

Me: “Yes… but I didn’t want you to actually do it!”

Fiancé: “Um…”

Me: “Yeah, you know, I want you to help me by supporting me letting me do whatever I want!”

(I ended up with only the half brownie.)

When She Gives You The Look Of Death

Great Stuff, home, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 15, 2019


(After a brief bit of, um, intimate groping, I make the following remark to my wife:)

Me: “I think that should go on your tombstone someday: ‘more fun in her pants.'”

Wife: *thinks a bit* “You know, I’m not at all ready for you to die, but I am now hoping you go first.”

Sleepwalking Away From This Relationship

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, France, home | Romantic | February 14, 2019


(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)

That’s So Corny(flakes)

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 13, 2019


(I am getting myself and my baby dressed for the day when my husband runs into the bedroom and throws a cereal box on our bed.)

Husband: “There! Now you can say I gave you breakfast in bed.” *runs out*

Me: *speechless*

A Breakdown Evens Out A Breakup

Awesome Workers, England, Fights/Breakups, Retail, UK | Romantic | February 12, 2019


(I am a cashier at a drugstore, trying to get through my last year of university, when I see a girl in the same uni hoodie as mine enter the store. She seems to be around 18 or 19 and is holding an aftershave that usually costs around £40.)

Girl: *in tears* “I’m so sorry. I bought this a couple of weeks ago and I want to return it. I know I might not be able to because it’s opened, but is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Er… My manager is just over there; I’ll grab her. Is everything… okay?”

Girl: “No, I’m sorry. My boyfriend is at [Distant Uni], and I bought some of his aftershave so I could make his hoodies smell of him — I know that sounds strange — and he broke up with me last week, and I can’t bear to smell this stupid f****** smell anymore, but there’s loads left, and I don’t want to waste my money…“ *breaks down again*

Me: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry about that. This is my manager; could you explain that to her?”

Manager: “I heard, honey, and I’m so sorry. Give me a second and I’ll see what I can do.”

(There are a few seconds while my manager tries to refund it.)

Manager: “Sweetheart, I have some good news: I can refund you even though it’s opened.”

Girl: “Thank you so much. Do you want me to just… I mean… Should I…”

Manager: “I’ll take it from you, honey. Do you want cash?”

Girl: “C-Cash is fine, it’s okay. Thank you.”

Manager: “While you’re here, sweetheart, get some chocolate or ice cream or anything you need, on me. I got divorced last year and I needed all the chocolate I could get!”

(The girl declined, but she came in a week later with a box of chocolates and a thank-you card each for me and my manager. In my card was a phone number. Ten years after that, we’ve been married for five years, and we have a baby daughter.)

That Kind Of Thinking Got You Pregnant In The First Place

Austin, Health & Body, home, Love/Romance, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2019


(I’m six months pregnant and don’t have many maternity clothes, so I throw on a dress and tights before going to work.)

Husband: “You look really nice today.”

Me: “I ran out of pants that fit.”

Husband: “You’re carrying our child. You are the hottest woman in the world, even more so without pants.”