This Marriage Is Such A Snooze-Fest

home, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 8, 2018


My husband has an incredibly loud and powerful snore. One night, I was awake with a bad migraine when his snoring went over the top, causing intense pain in my head. I tried rolling him over, poking his shoulder, talking loudly to him, bouncing the bed, flicking water in his face… Nothing stopped the snoring. I decided to ruffle his mustache with a pencil. Thank heaven I was using the eraser end, because he rolled toward me, which allowed the pencil to go up his nose!

The snoring did stop long enough for me to go to sleep. The next morning, he had no idea what had happened until I confessed.

Snaking Out Of That Argument

Fights/Breakups, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | November 8, 2018


(My husband and I are in a heated argument.)

Me: *at a volume of 11* “You are so inconsiderate. Acknowledge my feelings. You’re acting like an a**hole.”

Husband: “You know, one time I removed a pair of mating snakes from under the deck because I knew it would freak you out. That was pretty considerate of me.”

Me: “Really? Well, that was nice of you. Poor snakes, breaking up their sexy party.”

(We both laughed and that was that.)

Nibbling On The Golden Years

Cafe, Golden Years, Scotland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | November 6, 2018


(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)

Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”

Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”

Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”

Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”

Not A Top-Heavy Romance

home, Love/Romance, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 4, 2018


(My husband and I are cuddling in bed, topless. He starts talking to me very tenderly and sweetly.)

Husband: “Never leave me.”

Me: “I would be the biggest fool in the world if I did.”

Husband: “Be with me forever, darling.”

Me: *kissing him* “Of course I will.”

Husband: “And never… never… put your shirt back on.”

(I cracked up. So much for the sweet, romantic mood!)

This Relationship Has Turned Sour (Milk)

Australia, Brisbane, Harassment, home, Jerk, Queensland | Romantic | November 2, 2018


(I have been dating my boyfriend for two years when our milkman asks me out. He and I are close to the same age, and he’s been delivering our milk for years.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I have a boyfriend.”

(A couple of weeks later he tries again.)

Milkman: “Hey. I spoke to your ‘boyfriend’ and he said it was all right for you to go out with me.”

Me: “What the h***? You really think I’m going to stuff up a two-year-long relationship on that?”

(He starts dating my best friend for a few months. She dumps him because he’s too clingy, telling me that I was lucky to avoid that. A couple of years later I get married and am back at my mother’s place for visit when he arrives to deliver the milk.)

Milkman: “Hey, [My Name]. Where have you been?”

Me: “I got married.”

Milkman: “Oh… How is it?”

Me: “Well, I’m back here”

Milkman: “Oh, how about you and I…”

Me: “I’m joking; I’m just here for a visit.”

Milkman: “Oh…”

Marriage Is A Sauce Of New Foods

Food & Drink, home, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 31, 2018


(My husband was not a very adventurous eater before we met, and his mom was not much on cooking. I discovered this when we were dating and I would cook dinners for us. Here are some of my favorite exchanges we’ve had.)

Husband: “What’s wrong with this apple?”

Me: “Nothing?”

Husband: “But it’s pink. Apples are only red or green.”

(It’s a pink lady apple, but he didn’t know there were more than red delicious or Granny Smith! Another time, while eating a stir fry with a peanut sauce…)

Husband: “This is good. Can I see the bottle the sauce came in so I can buy some?”

Me: “It didn’t come in a bottle, but I can give you the recipe.”

Husband: “You made this? I didn’t know a regular person could make a sauce.”

(Another time, while eating some mixed vegetables…)

Husband: “These green beans taste a little funny.”

Me: “That’s because they’re asparagus

When Sleeping On The Job Means Not Sleeping On The Job

Health & Body, home, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 29, 2018


(I suffer from a fatigue disorder which has only within a couple of years begun to be managed by medication. I hate napping, because if I nap for more than an hour, I can’t sleep at all the next night, and napping for less than an hour gives me a migraine. Thankfully I haven’t gotten tired enough to nap since starting the medication. It is also important to note that my wife usually has to push to get me to leave the house for work and school, as I am a massive shut-in.)

Me: “I’m not feeling well.”

Wife: “That’s okay. We have nowhere to go. Just take it easy.”

(A couple of hours later, I end up taking a nap for four hours.)

Me: “I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can go to college tomorrow.”

Wife: *uncharacteristicall y agreeable for this subject* “Okay, hun, go ahead and take the day off.”

Me: “What? No argument about my obligations?”

Wife: “If you’re sick enough to decide to take a nap, and you sleep through the night tonight, I’ll be able to tell you’re actually sick as opposed to having anxiety issues. It’s pretty simple.”

Looking For Par’Mach In All The Right Places

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Silly, UK | Romantic | October 27, 2018


Me: “What do you want to do?”

Boyfriend: “It’s nice outside. Let’s close the blinds and pretend we don’t know.”

(We then watched Star Trek all night.)

Hard To Love A Morning Person

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, Uruguay | Romantic | October 25, 2018


(I am chatting with my girlfriend while she’s in her psychology class.)

Girlfriend: “According to Freud, being in love is loving yourself, projected onto an object.”

Me: “Well, in that case, I love myself a lot.”

(I expect her to reply the same, but instead:)

Girlfriend: “In my case, it depends of the mood I get up with. I don’t love myself very much.”

Me: “…”

You’re Being Pun-ished

home, New Zealand, Punny, Spouses & Partners, Wellington | Romantic | October 23, 2018


(Every weekday, my partner and I drive home from work together. I tend to get out and check the mail, as our mailbox isn’t that waterproof. This occurs on a rather rainy day, when I’ve just bragged about winning a pun war with some friends.)

Me: “I have another one! What kind of tree does a scientist grow? A chemis-tree!” *bursts out laughing*

Partner: “Wow, that’s pretty bad.”

(We pull up to the driveway.)

Partner: “Hey, are you going to get out today?”

Me: “It’s raining, so I—”

Partner: “Because you should.”

Me: “Too many puns?”

Partner: “Out.”

Me: “Aw, man.”

She Is Your True Call Of Duty

Engaged, Games, home, Silly, The Netherlands | Romantic | October 21, 2018


(My fiancé, while loving and caring, is not big on verbal declarations of love and affection. He is playing an FPS game and just lost a timed mission with a margin of two seconds.)

Fiancé: “I hate my life!”

Me: “But I’m in your life!”

Fiancé: “I hate my life a little bit less now!”

A Storybook Romance

Awesome, Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Proposal, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2018


(I’ve dated guys, not a lot, but enough to make me wary of being geeky or showing how much I like to read. When I say I like to read, I mean I have over a thousand books and am constantly buying more. A lot of the guys I’ve dated have told me that I should downsize my books because they don’t really want to date a girl who reads. I have been in a solid long-distance relationship for about eight months now with this guy who is really just the best thing that ever happened to me. We are discussing the fact of my lease running out in about two months and if it would be better for me to extend my lease for six months or not.)

Me: “Well, it might be better for me to do that, so that I can find a place I like better, maybe with more storage space. Though I just hate the idea of moving… so many trips to the truck and up and down the stairs… It’s horrible.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, those stairs will be killer for sure.”

Me: “I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “O…kay?”

Me: “I know that’s where your mind was going, because everyone tells me that, but I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “Did I ask you to? Did I say, ‘[My Name] I want you to be unhappy, dull, and boring; please give up the thing that makes your eyes sparkle and makes you laugh.’? Did I say I want you to stop being you?”

Me: *now embarrassed* “Well, no, but—”

Boyfriend: “No, listen. Does this make you happy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “Do you pay all your bills on time with money left over? Do you feel joy at your collection? Do you read them?”

Me: “Yes, to all of those.”

Boyfriend: “Then why on earth would I tell you to get rid of them? In fact, I think you need another book, just to get rid of this mindset that people want you to be unhappy! Get your shoes, woman; we are going to the bookstore!”

Me: *teary eyed* “I think I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

(Yes, we did end up getting a book at the bookstore. He ended up proposing that night, and I accepted!)

The Church Is Hangry

Church, Engaged, Language & Words, Poland | Romantic | October 17, 2018


My boyfriend and I are a multilingual couple. My first language is English, his first language is French, and the first language that we started talking to each other in was Polish, in which we’re both semi-conversational. We’re both also studying each others’ first languages to improve our communication, and between our three languages have sort of calibrated our normal conversations.

We are planning on getting married next year, and our church requires a private interview with the priest in preparation for marriage. The priest doesn’t know either of us, and speaks English fairly well, but not perfectly, and doesn’t speak any French. Our Polish isn’t really up to the high-level vocabulary of the interviews, so it’s all in English. When we’re interviewing together, everything is fine.

When it’s my turn to interview alone, we have a few difficult moments where the priest phrases a question in a weird way or pronounces a word such that I have to ask for him to repeat it a few times for me to understand, such as, “Are you agree with the church teaching about XYZ?” But overall, it’s okay. As we end the interview, I tell the priest that my boyfriend might have a bit of difficulty understanding him if he speaks very quickly, and the priest says he’s realized that and promises to speak slowly.

I sit outside the office and wait for my boyfriend’s interview to be over. After about ten minutes, the priest opens the office door and asks me if I know another word for “permanent” in French. I tell him no, but offer my phone for Google translating. He shuts the door and the interview continues for a while.

When it’s over, my boyfriend explains that the difficulty was that he heard the question as, “Are you angry with the church teaching about marriage being permanent?”

He replied, “No.”

It took a fair amount of repetition for the priest to clear that particular question up, and I learned that my boyfriend has a lot of difficulty hearing the differences between, “agree,” “angry,” and, “hungry.”

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

Ballet, Geeks Rule, Musical Mayhem, New York, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 24, 2018


(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

It’s About The Turkey, See The Stuffing, The Potatoes Are So Mellow, I Yam What I Yam

Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | November 22, 2018


In memory of our little experiment with a different style of titles, we offer up a Thanksgiving spread of stories with absolutely normal titles. Feast upon some of our best-loved tales of the foods of Thanksgiving, including some all-time favorites!

Talking Turkey – Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Going Red About The Green – What’s the matter, pumpkin pie?

A Barrel Of Laughs – By any chance, did the writer fall in… and were they wearing green? It would explain the previous story…

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving – Fare is fair!

Pranksgiving – That’s not how a turducken works.

Not Talking Enough Turkey – He likes his turkey as dry as a martini, but hold the booze and give it to the poor server!

A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies – He likes his cookies like… Wait. Never mind.

Wasn’t Born In The Pumpkin Patch – Guess he won’t get a visit from The Great Pumpkin, either.

With Great Bacon Comes Great Responsibility – Some love it. Some hate it. Some say everything is better with bacon.

A Monster Mash Potato – We think it sounds tasty…

More Thanks-taking Than Thanksgiving – This story of turkey-grabbing mayhem is a favorite for good reason!



We give thanks for the things we have, the friends and family we love, and the end of those goofy titles. Now, let’s eat!



Tell us your tales of Thanksgiving foods. Does your feast include something unique or different? Feel free to share the recipe, too!

Getting Cross-Eyed At The Crossing

Car, Engaged, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Romantic | November 22, 2018


(My fiancé and I are in the car with my fiancé in the driver’s seat. We are heading down a long road that has at least two traffic light crossings very close together. As we are approaching the first set of lights, they turn red, but the car is not slowing down. Slightly panicked, I alert my fiancé.)

Me: *voice rising in pitch* “You’re going to run a red light, [Fiancé]!”

(He slams on the brakes and comes to a sharp halt just before the crossing, staring ahead.)

Fiancé: “That could’ve been bad.”

(I notice that on the other side of the crossing, waiting for the light to turn green, is a police car.)

Me: “I can’t believe you almost ran a red light in front of a cop! Did you not see that it was red?”

Fiancé: *sheepishly* “All I saw was green. I saw the cop car… just not the red light.”

Me: “Are you colourblind?”

(My fiancé eventually explains that he was looking ahead at the second crossing, which was green, and completely forgot about the crossing he was approaching. He was very glad I stopped him from running a red light in full view of a police car. This will make for a great story to bring up next time he criticises my driving skills.)

Need To Put More Than A Hundred Feet Between Me And You

California, Gas Station, Harassment, Los Angeles, Strangers, USA | Romantic | November 20, 2018


(My car’s gas gauge is wonky, and one time my car unexpectedly runs out of gas while on the road, around early afternoon. Luckily, traffic is sparse and I am in my neighborhood, maybe 100 feet from a gas station. I manage to park on the side of the street, fish my empty gas can out of the backseat, and walk the 100 feet across an intersection to the gas station. As I’m crouching down near one of the pumps, filling up the gas can, some dude suddenly looms right over my head. I can see his pickup truck with its door open parked right behind him; it’s obvious he’s not an employee here. It’s just as obvious that he’s not here to get gas, himself.)

Dude: “Uh… so… Um-hmm…”

(I ignore him and pretend to be terribly busy. Nothing good has EVER come to me from talking to strange men.)

Dude: *inching even closer to me* “Uhh… Um-HEM! HI! HELLO! MISS!”

(I sigh. Clearly he’s not going away.)

Me: *side-eyeing him* “Yes?”

Dude: *suggestively* “Soooo… I just saw you walking down the street with your gas can while I was driving.”

(There is a very expectant pause while he’s staring at me hard enough that it’s almost like he’s attempting hypnosis. Already knowing where this is going, I put on a sweet, condescending tone of voice and a fake smile.)

Me: “That’s great for you!”

(I immediately dropped the smile and turned away from him again. He was somewhat flustered at this, but wouldn’t you just know it – he persisted in repeatedly offering me “a ride” to my car, anyway. Shockingly, I said no. Several times over. He finally left, with extreme reluctance. I have a very high skepticism that it’s even possible he didn’t see how close my car was parked, but frankly, even if I had to walk 100 miles instead of 100 feet, I’d never have agreed to get into his truck. 100 feet! That’s how little it takes to have a creep notice you walking alone down a street and decide to follow you in his car!)

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Long Distance, Phone, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 18, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

California, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vet | Romantic | November 16, 2018


(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1 ] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2 ] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)