Throw In A Lil’ Humor

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Car, Music, Silly, USA | Romantic | September 5, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are riding in the car when a mid-2000s era rap song comes on the radio, sung by a pair of famous rappers from the time.)

Girlfriend: “I wonder what happened to Lil’ Jon and Lil’ Wayne?”

Me: “They became Big Jon and Big Wayne, obviously.”

(She didn’t find it as funny as I did.)

The Husband Finally Shows Some Teeth

Party, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Utah | Romantic | September 3, 2018


(I am at a surprise party that one of my friends has thrown for his wife. After the surprise, she goes back inside to change into some more comfortable clothes: a tee shirt and some velvet shorts with owls on them.)

Her Friend: “Oh, those are cute shorts!” *laughs*

Wife: “My husband actually wears them sometimes, too!”

Her Friend: “How does he pull that off?!”

Husband: “With my teeth!”

Love-Sick As A Parrot

British Columbia, Canada, Harassment, Non-Dialogue, Outdoors, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Victoria | Romantic | September 1, 2018


I come to Canada with my grandmother so she can meet my boyfriend. She and I are going to meet him for lunch, and we have a bit of time to spare, so she and I figure we’ll go to a nearby butterfly garden. This garden is also home to some parrots, which is my main interest in going, as I’m fascinated with birds of all sorts. I am taking pictures of a beautiful parrot when all of a sudden he flies at me. He lands on my arm and begins walking all over me, and, again, being an avid birder, I am quite excited. Little children come up to pet him while he is on my arm, also full of excitement.

Then, things become a little awkward.

The bird starts getting all sorts of frisky with my hand. A little girl tries to get him to move to her arm, which, thank goodness, he refuses, but he keeps going at my hand. By the time he finally flies away, I have a small crowd of kids surrounding me and the bird, petting him while he does unspeakable things, and I do my best to downplay what is happening.

When I tell my boyfriend about it later, we have quite a good laugh!

Deaf Becomes Her

Bookstore, Brazil, Jerk, Non-Dialogue, Sao Paulo, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | August 30, 2018


I heard this story from a bookstore clerk. He told me he had been working in the bookstore for a couple weeks when, on a Saturday morning, this couple came in. The wife started browsing the shelves, while the husband, a French gentleman, stood by the counter chatting with the clerk. When the wife came back to speak to the husband, the clerk noticed how rude she was, speaking loudly, almost screaming at him.

Later, he talked about the couple to the bookstore owner, saying how impressed he was with the husband, who had a very interesting and intelligent conversation, and the wife’s manner, mainly the way she yelled at him. The owner said, “Oh, that’s my friend, Mr. [Friend]. His wife is annoying as h***, so to avoid as much conversation with her as he can, he pretends to be deaf.”

The “Friend Zone” Contains No True Friends

Bad Behavior, Friends, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | August 28, 2018


(A long-time friend of mine expresses his more-than-friendly ideas about us. The following conversation ensues:)

Me: “You know I’m married, and I don’t think of you like that.”

Friend: “Why?”

Me: “I’m married to [Husband]; I love him. I don’t want anyone else.”

Friend: “But why?”

Me: “I just told you.”

Friend: “That’s not an answer.”

Me: “Just because you don’t like what I’ve said, that doesn’t make it ‘not an answer.’”

Friend: “But we’ve been friends for years!”

Me: “Just friends.”

Friend: “So why not more?”

Me: “I. SAID. NO. If you can’t handle the fact that I don’t want to f*** you, then you can f*** off.”

Friend: “You don’t have to be a b**** about it.”

Me: “It seems I do.”

Friend: “Your loss!”

(He went on to post several updates about how “nice guys finish last,” the dreaded friend zone, and quotes about girls not knowing how to handle a decent guy when he comes along. A few of his friends commented, saying he was a good guy and that the girl in question would come to her senses too late. He commented back, calling the girl blind, slutty, and stupid. I took a screenshot of our conversation and posted it, adding the comment, “Which part of this makes me a blind, stupid slut? And if I am such a slut, wouldn’t I have said yes?” He promptly deleted it and blocked me. What a good guy, huh?)

Anything Can Be Fixed With The Right Conditioning

Australia, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | August 26, 2018


(Our AC has been broken for two years. My husband has been promising to get it repaired by an AC technician at his work, but keeps forgetting to arrange it. With the weather being hotter than usual, I resort to making an air cooler from Internet instructions. He comes home from work to find me sitting in front of the cooler with the cool air blowing on my face.)

Husband: “What are you doing? That’s never going to cool the place!” *laughs*

(I look up and glare at him before putting my face back to the tiny stream of cool air.)

Husband: *stops laughing* “Oh.” *grabs his phone and makes a call* “Hi, [Technician], I’m calling about fixing our AC. Is there any chance of getting it done soon? You should see what my wife has resorted to doing.”

(He describes what I did and how funny I look. I glare at him again.)

Husband: “Could we get it done really soon, please? I’m getting a bit scared by the way she is looking at me.”

(They had it fixed the next day.)

Didn’t Think Outside That Box

California, Extra Stupid, home, Oceano, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 24, 2018


(My husband recently ordered a TV stand and a bookshelf online, among other smaller items. The TV stand is delivered pretty quickly, and my husband assembles it the next day. He then gets a notification that some of his items were delivered, so he opens the front door to retrieve them.)

Husband: “That’s weird.”

Me: “What is?”

Husband: “They delivered another one.”

Me: “Another what?”

Husband: “TV stand. Did I accidentally order it twice?”

Me: “Huh?”

(He goes to pick up the box.)

Husband: “Why is it so ligh—”

(His voice trails off as a look of realization hits him; at the same time, I understand what happened.)

Me: “You put the empty box outside, didn’t you?”

Husband: *sheepishly* “Yes…”

An Ex-planation

Convenience Store, Exes/Old Flames, Fort Leavenworth, Jerk, Kansas, USA | Romantic | August 22, 2018


(My wife is pregnant, and at about ten pm on a very rainy day she decides she really wants some ice cream, but we’re out at the moment. So, I brave the rain and head to the base mini-mart to bring her some. After getting the ice cream, I go to the cashier to pay.)

Cashier #1 : “Late night craving?”

Me: “Pregnant wife had a craving.”

Cashier #1 : “That’s so sweet. My ex would never have done that for me.”

Cashier #2 : “Maybe that’s why he’s your ex.”

Without Glasses You Couldn’t See That Coming

home, Lazy/Unhelpful, New York, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 20, 2018


(My husband and I are watching TV. I don’t have my glasses on and mention that to him, telling him that they are probably in my nightstand. I’m not lazy; I’m disabled.)

Husband: “I’ll go check during the next commercial.”

(He checks the nightstand and comes back empty-handed.)

Husband: “Yes. They’re in your nightstand.”

Me: “…”

(My fault; I didn’t say I WANTED them.)

Cemented Thy Grisly Fate

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | August 18, 2018


(My husband has been working all evening taking out a fence. When it gets dark, he has me come shine a flashlight so he can work on the last post. It turns out that the last post was cemented in with at least twice as much cement as any of the others. It refuses to be pulled out, and my husband and I go in and go to bed. The next morning I wake up to the following text:)

Text: “I have slain the mighty fence post. It lieth dead in milady’s yard.”

So I Married A T-Rex…

Books & Reading, Canada, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | August 16, 2018


(I am reading a book at home.)

Book: “…up to 60 percent of specimens [of tyrannosaurs] display evidence of face biting in battle, hinting at how the [deadly] infection may have spread.”

Wife: *spontaneously starts biting my lip*

Me: *laughing* “So, let me tell you what I was just reading…”

Extraterrestrials Need Love, Too

Crush, Friends, home, Language & Words, USA | Romantic | August 14, 2018


(My best friend has a huge crush on me, and I have one on him, though neither of us realize it at this time. Although his English is very good, he’s not a native speaker, and there are some words he’s understandably never encountered before. We’re both fans of old video games, so we’re checking out some old ATARI games at my house. We’ve loaded up E.T., having never actually played it before. There are no instructions, but apparently one of the core mechanics is that E.T. can “fly” by lifting his head. I’m watching the game being played.)

Friend: *having difficulty getting E.T. out of a pit* “ARGH! He’s not necking anymore!”

(I lost it and had to explain to my very confused friend what “necking” was and why E.T. wasn’t doing it. Thankfully, it didn’t stop him from officially asking me out a few days later.)

Guys So Hot That You Just Got Burned

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Comeuppance, home, Jerk, USA | Romantic | August 12, 2018


(My brother and his girlfriend are watching TV in the other room when a commercial for “The Bachelorette” comes on.)

Girlfriend: “Ooh!”

Brother: “You watch that? Why?”

Girlfriend: *sarcastically* “Uh, all the hot guys. Duh.”

Brother: *offended* “You’re never going to get with any of them.”

Girlfriend: “We’re never going to f*** like in your porn, but that doesn’t stop you from watching, either.”

To Have And To Like You

California, home, Parents/Guardians, Santa Clara, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 10, 2018


(I’m sitting in the kitchen with my parents. My dad just recently made a Facebook account.)

Dad: “Will you marry me?”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “On Facebook! Will you marry me?”

Mom: “Twenty-five years of marriage, and it doesn’t count for anything unless we’re Facebook official?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Mom: “Well… I’ll have to think about it.”

(They never became “Facebook official.”)

The Same Old Story

California, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 8, 2018


(My wife has just returned from a conference she went to alone. As I’m picking her up from the airport, she tells me of a male friend she made there, and I gently tease her about it. The next day she shows me pictures from the conference.)

Me: “That’s [Friend]? He’s hot! Are you sure you didn’t sleep with him?”

Wife: “He’s 35, and married, and as tall as I am.”

Me: “When you say he’s 35, what does that mean to you? Is he too old for you?”

Wife: “Yes… Oh, my God! Did I just say that?”

Me: “How old am I?”

(My 35th birthday was a couple of weeks ago.)

Superman And The Books Of Evil

home, Israel, Non-Dialogue, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Wild & Unruly | Romantic | August 6, 2018


I usually have very vivid dreams — so vivid that sometimes I wake up confused as to why I’m not where I was in the dream. Tonight, I dreamed that my husband turned evil and came home with an evil Superman to destroy our books. I, of course, couldn’t let that happen, so I started punching them, kicking them, and trying to fight them, but they were ridiculously strong and nothing worked. At some point in the dream, they burned the books, so I poured some water over them. The bad guys then proceeded to spill an entire bucket of water over all the books, even those not burnt or burning.

I told my “evil” husband that he wasn’t allowed to touch the books unless he treated them with respect.

He made a noise, and then I smacked him in the face, only to realize with a start that it was a dream, because I actually smacked him in reality. He jumped up, super startled, and I could only apologize.

As I related to him the dream and the reason behind smacking him, we couldn’t stop laughing about the whole thing

How To Get Daddy Issues

Dating, Jerk, New Jersey, Restaurant, USA | Romantic | August 4, 2018


(I have been trying my luck on a dating site, with not much to show for it so far. I am near the end of date number two with this gentleman and the conversation has turned to our families. I mention my father has cancer and that we’re planning a large family vacation soon.)

Date: “Oh, man, I’m so sorry to hear that… Well, hey, at least I can be your new daddy, right? *winks at me*

(I went home and decided to give up on dating for a while.)

At Least Try To Have Fun With It

Exes/Old Flames, Friends, Party, Silly, USA | Romantic | August 2, 2018


(I have just had an easy break-up with my boyfriend. We remain friends afterwards and have no hard feelings. While attending a party together, I see an old friend, and the three of us strike up a conversation.)

Old Friend: “So, how are you two doing?”

Me: “Oh, we broke up.”

Old Friend: “Really? What happened?”

Me: *grinning impishly* “We turned each other gay.”

(My ex and friend just stare at me for a few seconds before laughing.)

Ex: “That’s what you’ve been saying? I’ve just been saying we broke up! I am definitely using that now!”

Working Overtime On This Relationship

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Czech Republic, Lazy/Unhelpful, Phone | Romantic | July 31, 2018


(Our company offices are located in a small town near the city where I live. Because of a business meeting with our Korean partners, I get stuck at work way overtime. My boyfriend of four years borrows my car that day, so I call him to pick me up.)

Boyfriend: *obviously just woke up* “Um, hello?”

Me: “Sorry to wake you up. Can you please pick me up at work? We just finished.”

Boyfriend: “Ugh, what time is it?

Me: “It’s 11 pm. The last bus left twenty minutes ago.”

Boyfriend: “Why not take a car? You have a car.”

Me: “You borrowed my car, remember? You promised to pick me up when we finish.”

Boyfriend: “Take a taxi. I’m in bed.”

Me: “It’s Friday night, and there is a music festival nearby. My boss already tried to call a taxi, but everyone is busy.”

Boyfriend: “Then walk. And can you sleep on a couch tonight? I don’t want you to wake me up again when you get home. You know I need sleep more than you. “

Me: “You want me to walk eight miles through the forest and fields at night? What—” *click*

(He hangs up on me. I stare at the phone, then try taxis again without any luck. I call my brother.)

Brother: “Hey, sis, what’s up?”

Me: “Hey, are you home?”

Brother: “Not yet. My train was delayed so I’m still on my way, but in five minutes I should be in the city. What’s wrong?”

Me: “Can you please pick me up at work? I had overtime, the last bus to [Town] already left, taxis are fully booked because of the festival, and our parents are at [Uncle]’s party. Mum’s car should be at home because they took a bus.”

Brother: “No problem, but it will take me around an hour to get to your office if I’m lucky and catch a night bus from the station to home. What happened to your car?”

Me: “It’s in front of my house. [Boyfriend] borrowed it because he had a day off, and now he is asleep and doesn’t want to pick me up.”

Brother: *pause* “I’m not going to comment on it, but you know what I’m thinking right now. See you in an hour.”

(Later, when I repeated my call with my boyfriend to my brother, he was so furious he even forgot he hates driving and offered to help me to pack my boyfriend’s stuff. I got home around 12:30 am and really slept on the couch, because otherwise I would have just suffocated him with a pillow. I told him to pack his stuff couple weeks later when he left me sitting on the floor with a possibly broken arm and went back to play his PC game.)

Fall Of Bridezilla

Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Office, Parents/Guardians, Siblings, USA, Wedding Planning | Romantic | July 29, 2018


(I end up being the wedding planner of a Bridezilla. The bride’s sister — and bridesmaid — gets pregnant. The Bridezilla informs her that her pregnancy is inconvenient, and throws a fit at her poor timing because the dress will have to be altered to handle the pregnancy, etc. I flee to another room and shut the door, but they are having it out so loudly I can still hear the fight. After what seems like an eternity, the sister says coldly:)

Sister: “We’ve been trying for three years. While the wedding may be your day, you knew what I was going through to get the chance to have a baby.”

Bridezilla: “Well, then, I guess you can’t be in my wedding, because I don’t want to deal with the problems your pregnancy will cause.”

(While I stand there, flabbergasted, I hear nothing but silence and then the quiet shutting of the door. The sister had walked out without another word. I put on my best retail face and continue with the plans. A few months later, [Bridezilla] and [Bridezilla’s Mom] are with me, and [Bridezilla’s Mom] gets a phone call. [Bridezilla’s Mom] excuses herself and left to answer. She spends most of the meeting on the phone. Towards the end, [Bridezilla’s Mom] comes back, slowly putting her phone away. It looks as though she’s been crying.)

Bridezilla: “Who was that?”

Bridezilla’s Mom: “Your sister… She lost the baby.”

(Yep. [Bridezilla’s Mom] has definitely been crying… right along with her poor, distraught daughter on the other end of the phone. My heart breaks for them. There is nothing I can say to take the pain away, and there are not enough tissues in the world to mop up my sympathetic tears that are about to come to the surface.)

Bridezilla: “Oh. Well, I guess she can be in my wedding, then, since she’s not pregnant anymore.”

(I have never seen something snap behind another person’s eyes before. It’s absolutely terrifying! [Bridezilla’s Mom] turns to me and speaks in this deadly soft, deadly calm voice:)

Bridezilla’s Mom: “I’m so sorry to have wasted your time, but it looks as though I won’t be financing the wedding anymore. It looks like my daughter will be taking over paying for everything. I hope this doesn’t cause your business any trouble.”

Bridezilla: *suddenly horrified and in panic mode* “MOM?!”

Me: *giving [Bridezilla’s Mom] a brilliant smile* “I understand, ma’am. I think we can sort out the snags.”

([Bridezilla] freaked out, shrieking, waving her arms, screeching horrified questions, and getting more and more panicked as [Bridezilla’s Mom] coldly refuses to answer the demanding, “Why?!” of her “sudden and unexplained” refusal to pay for the wedding. [Bridezilla’s Mom] left, her back ramrod straight, trailed by her hysterical [Bridezilla] daughter. The wedding was cancelled entirely, twenty-four hours later, by the would-be groom