Lettuce Not

Grocery Store, Harassment, Providence, Rhode Island, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2018


(I am the cashier at a supermarket. Someone unusual has decided to shop here today.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?”

Customer: “LETTUCE!”

Me “Uhh… lettuce?”

Customer: “GRAPES!”

Me: “Do you want lettuce and grapes?”

Customer: “HONEY ALL OVER MY BODY!”

Me: “Um… ma’am, the honey is over on aisle seven—”

Customer: *leaning over the counter* “I don’t want that honey. Just you, baaaby!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you drunk?”

Customer: “No, just drunk on my love for you. Come, rub that lettuce all over my p****!”

Me: “Ma’am, please leave me alone.”

Customer: “Kiss me!”

(She leans over and tries to kiss my neck. I call security and they drag her away.)

Customer: “Only yooouuu…”

(It turned out that the woman was very intoxicated.)

Dad Jokes Have No Temperature

Health & Body, home, Oregon, Portland, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 6, 2018


(I have been sick and haven’t been able to get much sleep. After another night of tossing and turning, I’m feeling delirious.)

Me: “I need to take my temperature again.”

Husband: “I don’t know where you put the temperature thing.”

Me: “Temperature thing? You mean the thermometer?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Me: “I put it next to the ther-DAD-iger.”

Husband: “No. Just, no. Back to bed with you.”

Me: *laughing and coughing fit*

Crazy Hungry Love

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, King of Prussia, Love/Romance, Pennsylvania, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are discussing a Facebook post wherein a guy referred to his girlfriend as “Butterscotch.” )

Boyfriend: “I promise never to call you ‘Thingamajig.’ Or ‘Butterfinger.’ Or ‘Lollipop.’ Because calling your girlfriend a food item sounds pretty degrading.”

Me: *interjecting* “Belgian Waffle.”

Boyfriend: “You’re likening someone you say you love to something you chew up into tiny bits, swallow, suck out everything good left in it, and excrete out 24 hours later.” *pause* “Buttermilk Pancake.”

Me: “Green bean.”

Boyfriend: “Crab Cake.”

Me: “Tater tot.”

Boyfriend: “Cheese biscuit.”

Me: “Okay, we could do this literally forever.”

Boyfriend: “We could!”

Me: “Let’s not.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, Bacon Cheeseburger.”

(To his credit, he did actually stop after that last one.)

That Decision Will Have A Lot Of Fallout

Canada, Games, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 4, 2018


(My husband is playing “Fallout 4.” He has been agonizing for months over which faction to pick, watching videos and reading reviews, paranoid that he will choose poorly. Finally, he makes the irreversible decision.)

Husband: “Now, I’m off to kill the bad guys.”

Me: “Unless you are the bad guys.”

Husband: “Arrrrgh, why would you say that?! Oh, my Goooooood! Nooo! Why would you make me doubt myself?! This is why I can’t finish this game!”

Me: *laughing my pants off*

The Court Of Love Deems This Dream Guilty

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Kansas, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2018


(My boyfriend’s leg is digging into my thigh while he’s sleeping.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], move your leg.” *push*

Boyfriend: *mumbles while moving* “[Mumbles something] …your girlfriend.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: *rolls over* “Anything you say will be used against you in the court of love!”

(I busted out laughing. He had no recollection the next day, but he laughed, too, when I told him.)

No Pizza Is Worth This Much

Bigotry, Delivery, England, Harassment, home, Jerk, London, Pizza, UK | Romantic | January 2, 2018


(I am a 19-year-old female living with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has anxiety and can’t stand it when a man comes near her. Recently, my girlfriend got sick and was hospitalized. To celebrate her recovery and her arrival home, we order pizza. When the pizza arrives, I am on the phone with my dad asking him to bring something for tomorrow.)

Me: “Babe, can you get the door? I’m on the phone.”

(As she goes to the door, she sees it’s a guy. She whimpers and runs back into the kitchen where I’m standing.)

Girlfriend: “[My Name], it’s a man. I can’t do this.”

Me: “It’s okay, babe. I got it.”

(I hang up and go to answer the door. The delivery guy is short, baby-faced, and looks like he’s just started his first year of university. As soon as he sets his gaze on me, I see the wheels in his head start turning.)

Delivery Guy: “Took you long enough!”

Me: “I’m very sorry. I was on the phone.”

Delivery Guy: “I guess I could let it slide if I could… sit in and eat this with you? You’re my last delivery for the night.”

(He smirks and I roll my eyes.)

Me: “No, thank you. I’m good. How much will it be, then?

Delivery Guy: *holding my pizza away from me* “Aw, come on! You are smoking! It’s free if I can get your number and a kiss.” *winks*

(I am so over this guy. I start digging through my wallet and pull out enough to cover it.)

Me: “I’m really not interested.”

Delivery Guy: “Aww. Well, then, maybe just your number? Come on, sweetie. I can show you a good time!”

(He hands me my pizza. I roll my eyes.)

Me: “Look, I’m just trying to have a nice night in with my girlfriend. Here’s your money.”

(His eyes are as big as saucers as he realizes his mistake.)

Delivery Guy: “Eww! I just hit on a [slur]!”

(He then took off running down the hall… without his money. Hey, horny delivery boy, thanks for the free pizza!)

Their Golden Years Are Going Swimmingly

Clinic, Golden Years, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA, Volunteer | Romantic | January 1, 2018


(I’m volunteering at a clinic, currently working in administration. I handle calls and schedule appointments. It has been raining throughout the whole month, so there are puddles outside. An elderly couple around their 70s come out from their appointment.)

Husband: *to his wife* “Let me move the car so you won’t walk in a puddle.”

Wife: “No, it’s all right. Just unlock the door.”

Husband: “Fine. If you fall, it’s not my fault.”

Wife: “Don’t worry; I can swim.” *walks out the door*

Long Distance Is So Easy I Can Do It In My Sleep

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, College & University, Long Distance, Pennsylvania, Roommates, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 31, 2017


(At this time my boyfriend and I are long-distance, and both in school. He’s commuting an hour and back to school every day. We video call before going to bed. I share a bedroom, and my roommate lets me know when she’s getting ready for bed so I can end the conversation or move to the living room.)

Roommate: *coming into bedroom* “When are you guys planning to go to sleep?”

Me: “I don’t know. Sweetie, when are you going to sleep?”

Boyfriend: *sounding quite drowsy* “As often as possible.”

Roommate: *cracking up* “That means now.”

Love Is A Game

Belgium, Games, Ignoring & Inattentive, Online, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | December 30, 2017


(I play a survival game online with a group of friends, among them a married couple. We’re clearing a cave of giant insects. Our strategy revolves around having people grapple up to the ceiling and shooting from there while a ground team keeps the bugs busy. We are starting to run out of ammo, when…)

Tribe Leader: “Okay, I’m calling a retreat; back to base to restock.”

(We begin to run, with several bugs on our heels when we hear, through the voice chat:)

Wife: “Hey, [Husband]! You’re forgetting something.”

Husband: “What?”

Wife: “ME!”

(It turned out she hadn’t been able to grapple down to join us and had been cut off. [Husband] mounted a rescue as soon as we restocked on ammo.)

The Age Of Adorable

Adorable Children, Antwerpen, School, Siblings, Teachers | Romantic | December 28, 2017


(I am a female teacher. One of my male students has a six-year-old sister who adores him to the point where she won’t allow him past the school gates without a kiss. She’s universally accepted as “too cute.” One day I’m going to my car to get home after a long day and I run into my student, as well as his mother and sister. I wave at him, and then hear:)

Sister: *loudly* “Who is that?”

Student: *also loudly because he wants me to hear* “That’s the prettiest teacher in school, who is going to give me good grades tonight!” *we had a test that day*

(I laugh it off and get in my car, thinking it was a pretty okay joke. The next day, about 15 minutes into class, this student’s phone rings.)

Student: “Oh, d***. I swear this thing was off. Wait, Mom?”

(He takes the call out of worry.)

Student: “Yes, Mom… SHE WHAT?!”

(He jumps up and runs for the door.)

Student: “Sorry, my sister disappeared. She can’t have gone far; I’m going to look for her.”

(The daycare is a one-minute walk away from my classroom, so I rally my class to help out. However, as we take a collective sprint to the gates, we find his sister standing in the schoolyard, looking lost. Upon seeing us she runs past her brother straight to me, looking as adorably angry as only a six-year-old can. She angrily pokes me in the thigh and looks up at me, declaring:)

Sister: “[Brother] is going to marry me, not you!”

(Turns out she was a little jealous.)

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Away Its Location

Extra Stupid, home, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | December 27, 2017


(It’s a month before Christmas, and I’ve purchased some gifts for my wife. When the first one arrives, I hide it in my desk drawer, where she promptly discovers it within hours. A few days later, another gift arrives, and I decide to hide both someplace different. The following takes place that evening:)

Wife: “So, where did you hide that other gift?”

Me: “Someplace you’ll never find it!”

Wife: “Is it in the other drawer?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yes.”

It’s A Date! Wait…

Bad Behavior, Dating, Friends, Harassment, Houston, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Restaurant, Texas, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2017


(I go to college out of state, but come home to Houston every year for holidays and summers. My boyfriend attends college where I do, but lives elsewhere. A male friend I have known since high school contacts me on messenger to ask about my holiday plans one year.)

Friend: “So, you’re going to be home again for Thanksgiving?”

Me: “Yeah, I thought about going to see my boyfriend’s family this year, but we decided that we should just each go home separately. I might go visit him for New Year’s, though.”

Friend: “We should get together when you’re back! We can have a big outing like we used to with everyone!”

Me: “That sounds like fun! If you plan it, I’ll find a way to make it.”

(A few weeks pass, and Thanksgiving break is imminent. He messages me again.)

Friend: “Hey! Are we still on for getting together when you’re back?”

Me: “Sure thing! Is that Saturday okay with everyone? Did you want to do an e-vite so everyone knows? I can set something up and start a group chat.”

Friend: “I’ll take care of it. Are you bringing your car back? Do you need a ride?”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure [Another Friend of ours] can pick me up, since I live so close to him.”

Friend: “No, no! I insist on picking you up! Does [Local Restaurant] sound okay?”

Me: “Sure. I think that should be within everybody’s budgets.”

(I came home for Thanksgiving and the get-together had been solidified. Or so I thought. My friend texted me to say he was coming to pick me up. Upon arriving at the restaurant, I discovered that he lied and didn’t invite anyone else; it was just the two of us. I insisted on paying for my meal, despite his repeated attempts to cover it, and the entire evening was extremely awkward with little conversation. When he drove me home, he even tried to lean over to kiss me as I was getting out of the car. I chewed him out over messenger when I finally got over my shock and disgust, and he acted like I was some cheating girlfriend who had led him on for months. When I mentioned the whole scenario to a mutual friend of ours, he laughed and said that this was the third time that guy had pulled this series of tricks on a girl in our social circles. And every time, he tried to blame it on her “leading him on.”)

Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Holidays, home, Love/Romance, Music, Pennsylvania, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 25, 2017


(For as long as I can remember, I have loved a specific Christmas song. One day I’m telling my husband about it.)

Me: “I know it’s weird, but it’s like the holiday season doesn’t really begin until I hear ‘Snoopy’s Christmas.’ I don’t know why. It just isn’t Christmas until someone plays it.”

(The conversation meanders and I don’t think much more about it. About a week later, he gets a package, which he opens to reveal a set of CDs. It’s all the songs by a group called the Royal Guardsmen.)

Me: “What’s this? Who are these guys?”

Husband: “They’re the ones who sing that song.”

(He shows me one of the CDs. Sure enough, there’s “Snoopy’s Christmas” on the list. I’d never known who actually sang the song and, for whatever reason, never investigated the matter. I look to my husband for an explanation.)

Husband: “Now, it can be Christmas whenever you want!”

Only So Many Times You Can Dress Up His Issues

California, home, Rude & Risque, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2017


(My husband is very fond of my breasts, and often has an adverse reaction when I get dressed.)

Me: “Honey, can you give me a hand with my bra?”

Husband: “Oh, all right…”

(He does.)

Husband: “Now you can never claim that I don’t love you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Husband: “I helped you put your boobs away.”

Only So Many Times You Can Dress Up His Issues

California, home, Rude & Risque, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2017


(My husband is very fond of my breasts, and often has an adverse reaction when I get dressed.)

Me: “Honey, can you give me a hand with my bra?”

Husband: “Oh, all right…”

(He does.)

Husband: “Now you can never claim that I don’t love you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Husband: “I helped you put your boobs away.”

Your Girlfriend’s Vision Is Based On Movement

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Kansas, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 23, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are having guests over. I realize I’ve left something in our bedroom, on a high shelf, so I excuse myself to retrieve it, only to find my boyfriend following me.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “I know the item is on a high shelf, so I came to help. You and your stubby arms!”

Me: “You’re just jealous because I’m one step closer to being a T-Rex than you are.”

(My boyfriend stops walking.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, my God… You’re right!”

Christmas In The Amazon

Holidays, home, USA | Romantic | December 22, 2017


(Christmas has already blown through my house. My family has already unwrapped their presents, and my siblings and their children have gone home. My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed after a full day.)

Fiancé: “Hey, I felt bad for not getting you any Christmas presents! So, I ordered some gifts for you off of Amazon. They clearly won’t be here before Christmas, but could you avoid looking in the cart?”

Me: “Aww! That’s so sweet! Of course I won’t; I ADORE surprises!”

(A little while later, I go to check my messages after receiving the wrong item a while ago. I accidentally hit “my orders” instead of “my account” so I see ALL of the presents my fiancé has purchased for me.)

Me: “Wha! [Fiancé], I’m so sorry! I accidentally saw all of my presents!”

Fiancé: “It’s okay—”

Me: “But I wanted them to be a surprise!”

Fiancé: “Did you like them?”

Me: “Yes!”

Fiancé: “Well, I’ll just have to get you more Christmas surprises!”

(My fiancé is so sweet!)

This Relationship Has Gone To The Dogs

Cambridge, Canada, Holidays, home, Ontario | Romantic | December 21, 2017


(I am spending Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family and we are poking fun at each other when we have this little exchange:)

Boyfriend: *cuddling his dog*

Me: *teasing* “I remember when you used to cuddle me like that!”

Boyfriend: “Babe, do you really want me to cuddle you like I cuddle my dog!?”

Me: *over-dramatically* “I just feel so left out!”

Boyfriend: “Fine, you asked for it!” *pulls me into his arms and starts ruffling my hair the same way he ruffles his dog’s fur*

Me: “Agh! Stop, stop, stooooop!”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you said you wanted to be cuddled like my dog.”

Me: “I was kidding.”

Boyfriend: “And I gave you a taste of your own kind!”

(The moment he said that, we both collapsed into laughter, while his mother looked at as like we were aliens.)

This Christmas Gift Is Shaky At Best

Boise, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Holidays, Idaho, USA | Romantic | December 20, 2017


(My boyfriend is an avid skier, so for Christmas I buy him a pass to our local ski area. The pass is just a piece of heavy paper, and rather than just tucking it in a card, I put it in a small box and add a few heavy beads to throw him off when he tries to guess what it is. I go over to his house around the 20th, he opens the door.)

Me: “Merry Christmas!” *hands him the box*

Boyfriend: *takes the box and immediately drops it*

Both: “Oh, no!”

Me: “I’m sure it will be okay.”

(After some socializing I go home. Come Christmas morning, the phone rings.)

Boyfriend: “You are so rotten! I’ve been shaking that box every day since you gave it to me, trying to figure out how broken it was, and if I could fix it before you knew!”

Me: *laughing my head off* “Yeah, it couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it.”

(He loved the ski pass!)

We Are NOT Doing It Doggy Style

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, USA | Romantic | December 20, 2017


(Whenever my boyfriend and I decide to get intimate, we usually make sure that our dog is out of the room. My boyfriend wakes me up and we start getting a little intimate, when I realize the dog is laying in bed staring at us.)

Me: “Do you think you could put him outside? He’s being weird.”

Boyfriend: “He’s fine. It’s not like he cares about what we’re doing.”

(Right on cue, the dog decides to move and lay right beside our heads and make eye contact with my boyfriend. Needless to say, the dog was put outside.)