He Can Go Sleep In The Garage

home, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, New South Wales, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | October 12, 2017


(Our two-car garage is a mess. My husband insists I have to help tidy it.)

Husband: “We’ll take sides; you do that side and I’ll do this side. Most of the things on your side are yours.”

(I get to work tidying my side. He’s constantly watching so I don’t throw out anything that might remotely be his. If he’s not doing that, he’s fiddling around with his tools, not actually doing any tidying. I get my side looking good, and even set up a table so I can do some crafting out there. It’s taken me half the day, and his side has barely been touched.)

Me: “Okay, I’m finished, just in time to cook dinner.”

(It takes about half an hour to cook the dinner, and when it’s ready, I call my husband in.)

Me: “Are you going to continue cleaning after you eat?”

Husband: “I’m completely finished; my side of the garage is clean.”

(I couldn’t believe that he’d taken just half an hour to do it, after doing almost nothing out there for almost four hours. I walked out to find that the mess and rubbish from his side had now been moved to my side. The next day, he showed his brother his tidy side of the garage and what my side looks like. His brother has often called me lazy in the past, and this is no exception. My husband now wonders why I have to take photos of everything I do.)

Wazoo Cramps

California, Health & Body, home, Language & Words, San Francisco, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 11, 2017


(My wife has a love-hate relationship with ibuprofen: it makes her drowsy, but it’s also the only thing that soothes her menstrual cramps.)

Wife: “Ooh… cramps just kicked in. Ibuprofen up the wazoo.”

Me: “That seems less than ideal. I don’t think your body will absorb it properly if you put it up your wazoo.”

Wife: “Oh, my God. You’re ridiculous.”

A Very Touching Disaster

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, home, USA | Romantic | October 10, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He has an old down pillow that he sleeps with. He grabs the pillow from behind his head and slaps it down over his legs.)

Me: “So, that’s why I keep finding feathers.”

Boyfriend: “No, it’s not.”

(He throws the pillow back up and then smacks it down on his legs again, except this time the pillow actually rips in half and spills feathers all over the bed. He lays there and stares at the mess, as I laugh so hard I almost cry. I run to the bathroom as he is stuffing the pillow and most of the feathers into the trash. When I return, he is walking out the front door.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “I just shook out the blanket off the porch, and now I have to find whatever it is I just flung across the yard that was in the blanket.”

Me: *still laughing* “I bet it was the TV remote. You better not have lost the batteries. We don’t have any more.”

(Sure enough, the remote is in the yard, and he manages to find the batteries in the grass. I start to laugh again as he hands them to me before he walks back inside.)

Me: “You’re not allowed to touch things.”

(I put the batteries back in the remote and set it back onto the bed before heading to the kitchen. I pass by the cat who is sitting on the edge of the couch as my boyfriend is walking towards us.)

Me: “[Cat], run! Don’t let him touch you!”

Boyfriend: “Ha. Ha.”

(A few seconds later, I hear a “thwack” sound followed by, “God d*** it.” I look back into the bedroom and my boyfriend is standing there with his hand over his face.)

Boyfriend: “Just… I just threw my phone on the bed.”

(I look over and see that his phone has managed to smack into the remote, causing the batteries to fly out of it and across the bed. I burst out laughing.)

Boyfriend: “I’m going to sleep!”

(I love the big goof.)

A Truly Capital Relationship

home, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | October 9, 2017


(I have recently taken a job as a merchandiser. I have had a rough day, so after work I seek validation from my wife. She’s an anarchist, so I know her validation will be flavored with that.)

Me: “You love and respect me, even though I’m a capitalist monkey, right?”

Wife: “Of course. I used to work for [Unpleasant Company], after all!”

Me: “Yeah, but your role was important. I’m useless.”

Wife: “I spent my time making my department more efficient for capitalism. Your job is more anti-capitalist, because you’re being paid by the company to do almost nothing!”

(Somehow it didn’t help that much with my problem of feeling useless.)

Do Not Make Contact With Your Girlfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nashville, Restaurant, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | October 8, 2017


(I am waiting for my boyfriend at a restaurant and this happens:)

Stranger With Glasses: *walks up to me* “Hey, beautiful.”

(The stranger kisses me before I can react. I freak out and punch him in the face, throwing him to the floor and knocking off his glasses.)

Me: “YOU CRAZY SICKO! Wait a minute… [Boyfriend]?”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend wears contacts.)

Do Not Make Contact With Your Girlfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nashville, Restaurant, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | October 8, 2017


(I am waiting for my boyfriend at a restaurant and this happens:)

Stranger With Glasses: *walks up to me* “Hey, beautiful.”

(The stranger kisses me before I can react. I freak out and punch him in the face, throwing him to the floor and knocking off his glasses.)

Me: “YOU CRAZY SICKO! Wait a minute… [Boyfriend]?”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend wears contacts.)

That Was Rebound To Happen

Engaged, home, Language & Words, USA | Romantic | October 7, 2017


(My fiancé and I have this silly thing where one of us will say something like, “There’s a cupcake,” and the other will say, “You’re a cupcake.” One day this backfires on him. My fiancé throws trash at the bin. It bounces off the rim and lands in a nearby box.)

Me: “Ohhhh, rebound!”

Fiancé: “You’re a rebound!”

(Moment of silence, followed by a moment of me pretending to be hurt.)

Fiancé: “I didn’t think that one through.”

Leaving This Argument Behind

Australia, Fights/Breakups, home, New South Wales, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | October 6, 2017


(We don’t argue very often but when we do, my husband usually makes a comment that I should just pack up and leave. It’s never him doing the leaving; it’s always me — especially when the argument is not going his way. He’s following a pattern that I’ve seen his parents follow with each other. Saying anything about it just starts a whole new argument. We’ve had one of these arguments, he’s gone to work the next day, and I’ve stripped everything of mine out of the bedroom. I leave my drawers and wardrobe open for effect. Our teenagers have noticed and asked what I am doing as I carry everything to our back room.)

Me: “Oh, I’m just sorting through my clothes and stuff. I need to get rid of things and de-clutter.”

(I am sitting out, folding and sorting, when I hear my husband get home and go into the bedroom. A few moments later I hear him in the kitchen with my son.)

Husband: *very quietly* “Do you know where Mum is?”

Son: “Yeah, she is in the family room.”

(I don’t even acknowledge him as he looks in the door, just keep folding my clothes while watching TV. I think my passive-aggressive lesson worked; he’s never made a comment like that in the five years since.)

Make Love, Not Warcraft, Fifth Expansion

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Non-Dialogue, Olympia, USA, Washington | Romantic | October 5, 2017


I am 18, and have a boyfriend who is addicted to World of Warcraft. Sometimes his addiction gets the better of him.

We are standing in the kitchen talking about something, and in the middle of my sentence, he leaves the kitchen and walks into our bedroom, where the computer is, where he proceeds to sit for about ten minutes.

He then comes out, and asks if I had been saying something before he left the kitchen.

It turns out he had gotten an idea about WoW, and had to go play it right that second. He hadn’t even heard a word I said

My Husband The T-Rex

Australia, Bizarre, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | October 4, 2017


Me: *making toast in the kitchen* “What are you looking for?”

Husband: “Paper towel.”

Me: *hands it to him; it is right next to his hand* “Wow, that really was a man-look.”

Husband: “I can’t help it. Men have eyesight based on movement. It’s true. Look it up. It’s a hunter thing.”

Me: *laughs* “Are you saying that all men are predators?”

Husband: “Rawr!”

My Partner Is Not So Smart (Phone)

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Technology, Victoria | Romantic | October 3, 2017


(I have just gotten a new cellphone, and am entering numbers into it.)

Girlfriend: “You should put your number in there, in case you lose it!”

Me: “Good idea!” *I start to add a new number, then stop.* “Wait… how would that help me?”

Girlfriend: “Well, if you left your phone here, I could call you!”

Me: “But if I put the number into my phone… and you have my phone… how will you call me?”

Girlfriend: “By calling your number!”

Me: “But if you’re calling my phone, and you HAVE MY PHONE…”

(We went back and forth a couple more times before she realized that putting my cell number in my cell wouldn’t be as useful as she first thought.)

Putting Those Texts Into Context

Germany, home, Marriage & Partners, Rude & Risque |
Romantic | October 2, 2017

(My partner’s brother got married about two months ago.)

Partner: “His texts all have an undertone of happy to them! He’s clearly still in the newlywed phase!”

Me: *because I’m a terrible person* “Would you say they have an… afterglow?”

Partner: “Ew! No! My brother is a priest! He has a Master’s degree in the New Testament!”

Me: “That doesn’t make him a priest, you know. He needed that for the private school he works at.”

Partner: “Lalalala, not listening! My brother is a priest and no one can convince me otherwise!”

A Man’s Duty Is Not About Booty

Gas Station, Harassment, Rude & Risque, Strangers, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 1, 2017


(I’m 17 and my friend has suckered me into working at my first job selling alarm systems door-to-door. They drop us off at random locations that we’re expected to canvas all day. I’m taking my lunch break, sitting outside a gas station on top of a small hill. A shirtless man passes by on the bottom of the hill, obviously going into the other entrance. He emerges with an energy drink and walks until he gets to the corner, then walks back. I don’t think anything of it and keep eating. Suddenly, he’s in front of me.)

Guy: “Hey!”

Me: “Hi.”

Guy: “I’ve seen you walking around, and I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a man if I didn’t tell you that you have the most beautiful a** I’ve ever seen.”

Me: *embarrassed and freaked out* “Thank you.”

Guy: “Just thought I’d let you know.” *starts walking away, then turns back to me* “My name is [Name].”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Guy: “You got a boyfriend?”

Me: “No.”

Guy: “What’s your number?”

Me: *trying to dissuade him with the obvious age difference* “How old are you?”

Guy: *puffs out chest* “How old do you think I am?”

Me: *lying* “About 25-26?” *still old enough the age difference should matter*

Guy: “Well, how old are you?”

Me: “I’m 17.”

Guy: *obviously shaken* “I’m actually 37… so, that’s a little old for you, right?”

Me: “Yeah, kind of.”

Guy: “Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you. Just remember, you have a beautiful a**. I was just doing my duty as a man.”

(He never talked to me face to face after that, but for the next two weeks I was stationed there, and whenever he saw me walking, he’d call out, “BEAUTY WITH A BOOTY!”)

Cross That Bridge When You Come To It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Kentucky, Louisville, Outdoors/Outside, USA | Romantic | September 30, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are going on a walk across a bridge over the river. We’ve only been together a couple of months, so it isn’t super serious yet.)

Me: *as we walk up the ramp* “I heard of a guy who proposed to his girlfriend here.”

Boyfriend: “I’ll bet that happens a lot.”

Me: “I could make a joke here, but I won’t.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m not going to do it NOW!”

A Marriage That Hookers You In

Car, Finland, Flirting, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | September 29, 2017


(My husband and I work near each other and carpool to work. He is dropping me off at my office.)

Me: “I really don’t feel like doing [work task] today.”

Husband: *in a suggestive tone* “Well, I can think of an alternative to doing [work task].”

Me: “Yeah, but I don’t get paid for that.”

Keeping Things Clean In This Relationship

Germany, Health & Body, home, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | September 28, 2017


(My partner has severe OCD. Thanks to a particularly disgusting scene in a certain movie about a hotel for dogs, they get sick if human hair wraps around their hands, feet, or face. It’s worse if they find hair in their food. Normally, I have to clean the shower drain before they can use it. On this day, I’m feeling really sick. I lie down and pass out for a while. When I come to, I hear the shower running.)

Me: *thinking* “That’s weird. I guess it was clean enough?”

(I walk over to the bathroom and start laughing. My partner has their head over the edge of the tub, and is trying to scrub as best they can.)

Partner: “Oh! Hi! I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to shower.”

Me: “Aww, thanks for letting me sleep.”

Partner: “Of course! You need your rest when you’re sick.”

Me: “I love you.”

Found Yourself A True Renaissance Man

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Costume Shop, Fair, Love/Romance, Money, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2017


(This is the second year I’ve gone to the local Renaissance fair with my boyfriend, and the first year I’ve had any kind of money to spend, so I’m quite eager to head to one of the major costume shops along the main street. The capes from this shop are STUNNING, and I have been wanting one for years, so I’ve made sure I’ve got what I think is enough money to buy one. I drag my boyfriend over to the stall to look over which ones he thinks look best on me.)

Me: “Excuse me, how much are these emerald cloaks over here?”

Shop Lady: “Oh, the unpainted ones are [price way higher than I expected], but if you want one of the painted ones, it’s [higher price].”

Me: *heart sinking a good bit* “Oh, okay. Thanks!” *I sigh and whisper to my boyfriend* “Oh, well. I can always get it next year.”

Boyfriend: *smiling as he squeezes my hand* “You sure? I can lend you the money or something.”

Me: *awkwardly blushing, wondering if it sounded like I was guilt-tripping him to pay* “Nah, it’s fine; I don’t need it, and I don’t know when I could pay you back. Thank you so much for offering, though. It means a lot to me.”

(I go back to admiring the painted capes, making sure I knew which cape I’d want the next year when I could get one for myself. My boyfriend excuses himself for a moment and one of the shopkeepers chats with me for a bit. Next thing I know, my boyfriend is back with one of the bags the store puts purchases in. I stare at him for a moment before it clicks.)

Me: “Did you…?”

Boyfriend: *with a smile that I swear lit up the whole park as he hands me the bag* “Don’t worry about paying me back. Consider it a two-week-early birthday present.”

(I’m ready to cry, I am so touched! My whole face warms up as I blush, and I can’t stop grinning. He takes my hand and gives it a gentle kiss, looking at me adorably.)

Shop Lady: *winks* “Just so you know, those capes are waterproof if you ever wanna wear yours after a shower. Say, after he’s gotten home and you’ve got nothing else to greet him in…”

(Now it was his turn to blush as I giggled uncontrollably.)

You Just Know The Vegans Are Not Going To Be Chill(i) About This

Dunnellon, Engaged, Florida, Food & Drink, home, Jerk, USA | Romantic | September 26, 2017


(My fiancée and I discover a brand of frozen food that is amazing. We notice upon purchase that it is gluten free, but it takes us a while longer to realize it is vegan. Neither of us have any reason to need vegan food, being huge carnivores anyway, and my fiancée is crotchety, antisocial, and has a history of butting heads with the self-righteous types.)

Me: *stealing bites of her chili mac and cheese* “I still can’t believe something this hearty is completely meatless.”

Fiancée: *stealing it back* “I know; I never would have known if we hadn’t spotted the label on the spicy chili! I don’t know why they’d make the entire company vegan, though.”

Me: “It’s a relatively untapped market; vegans don’t have a ton of options for convenience like this, maybe three or four big brands, and almost nothing this cheap.”

(My fiancée gets a funny look on her face and puts the spoon down.)

Fiancée: *gleefully* “I just realized. We’re taking food from the vegans!”

(She’s terrible. It’s still funny.)

Must Be Working The Midnight Shift

Bookstore, British Columbia, Canada, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | September 26, 2017


(I tend to dress rather casually at work and, on this day, I’ve worn a bright orange T-shirt with my usual jeans. When I get home after work:)

Me: “You know, I might have to rethink some of my wardrobe choices.”

Husband: “Oh? Why’s that?”

Me: “One of my customers called me ‘Pumpkin’ today

Go Nude Or Go Home

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Grand Rapids, home, Jerk, Michigan, USA | Romantic | September 25, 2017


(It’s about four am when I receive a call from my boyfriend, who works third shift. I’m a fairly heavy sleeper, and it takes a while for me to wake up. I also sleep nude, as I’ve always found it more comfortable than wearing even light pajamas.)

Boyfriend: “I’m too tired to drive home from work today. Mind if I crash at your place?”

Me: *still half-asleep* “Yeah. Just knock when you get here and I’ll let you in.”

(I fall asleep as soon as the call ends, only waking up when I hear pounding on the door to my studio apartment.)

Me: *opens the door, barely keeping my eyes open* “Mornin’.”

(My boyfriend stands there for a few minutes, and when I blink away the sleep from my eyes I realize he’s looking at me in disgust.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re naked.”

Me: *looks down at myself* “Yeah? I was sleeping.”

Boyfriend: “Well, get dressed! What if someone sees you?”

Me: “Then they see a naked fat chick letting her boyfriend in at four am. What’s the problem?”

(My apartment is on the second floor, in the back corner of the complex. Someone would have to be extremely determined, and capable of climbing trees, to look in on me.)

Boyfriend: “Go get dressed this instant.”

Me: *laughs* “I pay the rent; I’ll sleep nude if I want.”

Boyfriend: *getting increasingly flustered* “I’m not coming in until you get some clothes on, and that’s final.”

Me: “Then you’ll sleep in your car. Or outside. I don’t care; I’ve got work in the morning and I’m exhausted.”

Boyfriend: *crosses his arms and stares me down, like some overgrown toddler about to throw a tantrum, for a good minute*

Me: “Good night.” *shuts the door on his face and goes back to bed*

(I woke up to several angry messages from him, almost all of them summed up as, “You’re the worst person in the world and we’re through.” I didn’t bother responding, but I wonder why he was so adamant I cover myself, while he made me hold the door open for five minutes instead of just coming in.)