Part And Parcel With Growing Old Together

home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Parents/Guardians, Spouses & Partners, UK | | Romantic | May 10, 2019


(I go to the mail delivery office to pick up a parcel, and the police are there wanting to pick up a suspicious parcel they’ve asked Royal Mail to intercept, but Royal Mail has lost the parcel. I text this to my mum, who finds it funny so she shows my dad. He just gives her a blank look. It doesn’t come up again until two days later…)

Mum: “I’m going to phone [My Name] in a minute.”

Dad: “Was it something we sent?”

Mum: “Was what something we sent?”

Dad: “The parcel.”

Mum: “Which parcel?”

Dad: “The one which the police wanted.”

Mum: “No! It was nothing to do with [My Name]. She just happened to be there at the time.”

Dad: “Was she arrested?”

Mum: “No, it wasn’t her parcel.”

Dad: “So, what was in it?”

Mum: “I’ve no idea…”

Dad: “So, are the police going to speak to her?”

Mum: “It had nothing to do with her. She just overheard it.”

Dad: “What was she ordering that was suspicious?”

Mum: “She was just getting a book she’d ordered off eBay. It wasn’t her parcel that was suspicious.”

Dad: “So, why did the police think her book was suspicious?”

Mum: “I… I’m going to phone [My Name] now.”

It’s Okay; Easter Hasn’t Been About Christianity For A Long Time, Anyway

Coworkers, Office, Silly, Spouses & Partners, The Netherlands | | Romantic | May 8, 2019


(My office hands out an Easter goodie: a limited-edition chocolate bar of a famous fair-trade chocolate brand. It’s clearly an Easter edition, with Easter eggs and the word “Easter” on it. After Easter, we have a few left.)

Me: *to a couple of coworkers* “If someone wants, they can have a second chocolate bar!”

(A coworker practically dives on top of the bars.)

Coworker: “Ooh, I needed a gift for my wife! It has been such a while since I gave her anything!”

Me: *jokingly* “So, your wife gets free Easter chocolate after Easter?”

Coworker: “Don’t judge me! We’re Muslim, so we don’t give a s*** about Easter, anyway.”

(I hope she’ll like the chocolate bar.)

AS&MR

Canada, Engaged, home, Ontario, Rude & Risque, Silly, Toronto | | Romantic | May 6, 2019


(I’m teasing my fiancé about how much he likes it when I talk in a particular voice during “fun time.”)

Me: “You are such a dirty old man.”

Fiancé: “Well, it’s like ASMR!”

Me: “I don’t think ASMR is meant to have that effect on you.”

Fiancé: “It’s supposed to give you tingles. I don’t see why I should get judged based on what part of me tingles.”

(Yes, I laughed.)

The Worst Pickup Line In History

Coworkers, Grocery Store, Harassment, USA | | Romantic | May 4, 2019


(My new coworker makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but for weeks I can’t figure out why. He doesn’t hit on me, he doesn’t ask invasive questions, and he’s always polite, but there is just something about him that makes me want to end every conversation as soon as possible. One night we are closing the store — the male coworker, the manager, and me. The manager is in the office balancing the registers and resetting for the next day, so I am stuck by the registers with my male coworker. A long, awkward silence is finally broken when he speaks.)

Coworker: “Do you like historic tours?”

Me: “Um… like [Nearby Battlefield]?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Have you ever gone on one?”

Me: “On a field trip when I was, like, 15. Why?”

Coworker: “Oh, that’s my other job.”

Me: “Oh. Cool.”

(A few seconds of silence.)

Coworker: “So, if you ever want to do a tour, I’ll take you.”

Me: “Ah. No, thanks.”

(Awkward silence.)

Coworker: “It can be a private tour; we can take as long as we want.”

Me: *internal panic begins* “No. Pollen and grass and dirt… they’re not my friends.”

Coworker: “We can do a night tour; it’s way better. And you can take an allergy pill!”

Me: *alarm bells are going off in my head* “I don’t really like staying up late. I’m an old fart.”

Coworker: “Oh, please. I’m old enough to be your daddy.” *staring me down*

Me: *knowing I’m turning red* “Ha…”

Coworker: “You can buy me breakfast as a thank-you.”

Me: “Well. I’ll have to see what my husband is up to. He works full time, too, and—“

Coworker: *suddenly angry* “Husband?”

Me: “Well, yeah. Of course, he’s coming with me.”

Coworker: “I was… You… Never mind.” *storms out*

(A minute later the manager comes out.)

Manager: “Where did [Coworker] go?”

Me: “Um…”

(I told her what had happened. She said I wasn’t the first to note behavior like that from him, but it’s hard to fire him when he isn’t BLATANTLY trying to pick us up. I thought the whole “private tour at night and buy me breakfast” and “oh, you have a husband, never mind” were pretty blatant but I guess not. He’s a lot less nice to me these days. Oh, well.)

Spiders From Space!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, Car, Silly, USA | | Romantic | May 2, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are both arachnophobic, but he tends to be the spider killer because I am much more afraid than he is. One day we are on a long drive when I notice a spider on the inside of the windshield and scream. He jumps and asks what’s wrong, and I tell him about the eight-legged monstrosity on the windshield. Both of us are frantic and unsure what to do when all of a sudden he reaches out and straight up punches the spider.)

Me: “My hero!”

Boyfriend: “You can’t scream like that; I thought a meteor was about to hit us!”

Me: “Really?! A meteor? That was your first guess?”

Boy, Were They Wrong!

Bar, Comeuppance, Florida, Great Stuff, Harassment, Jacksonville, Strangers, USA | | Romantic | April 30, 2019


(I recently moved to the city from my hometown in the midwest for my new job. A small group of my new coworkers has taken me out to their favorite bar in an effort to welcome me. I’m telling everyone a little bit about of myself when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see a man I’ve never met before.)

Me: *confused* “Hello… Can I help you?”

Guy: “[My Name]? Is that really you? You look great!”

(Everyone is looking at me with puzzled looks on their faces. I honestly have no idea who this guy is, but I don’t want to be rude, either.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I’m not honestly recognizing who you are. Mind giving me a hint?”

Guy: “Oh, that hurts. It’s me, [Name Which Happens To Be Gender-Neutral], from high school.”

Me: *with a polite smile* “I’m sorry, but I think you must have me confused with someone else. I just moved to this area and I’m pretty sure we didn’t go to the same high school.”

Guy: “No, no, I remember you. You were pretty cute then, but d***, you’re hot now. Wish I made a better effort to get to know you better if this was how you were going to turn out.”

(He laughs it off as it’s not a big deal and tries to put his arm around me like we’re buddies. I’m getting a bit annoyed, but I simply just smile, instead.)

Me: “You said your name is [Gender-Neutral Name], right? Did you go by the same name back then?”

Guy: *a bit confused* “Well, my friends and I had nicknames for each other, but that’s what the teachers called me.”

Me: “You know what? I think it’s starting to come back to me. I remember someone named [His Name] at my school.”

Guy: “I knew you’d remember.”

Me: *with as much honesty and goodness I can muster* “Got to say I hardly recognized you. I mean, we all knew back then how uncomfortable you felt in your own skin, constantly saying you were a guy trapped in a girl’s body. I really felt bad about all the grief you got from the principal about wanting to attend prom in a tux rather than a dress, despite our entire class standing up for you. But I got to say you look amazing now – you’ve transitioned so well!”

Guy: *with a look of utter disgust and shouting* “What the f*** are you talking about? I ain’t no [homophobic slur]. I’m a real man!”

(With that, he leaves my table and me alone, with the entire table looking at me in utter confusion.)

Me: “Another fun fact about me is that I attended an all-girls high school for all four years — no boys allowed. So, when guys try that lame pick-up, it’s super easy to shoot them down.”

(They all started cracking up. I was an instant member of their group from that point forward, and it made the transition to a new city much easier.)

Today Is A Good Day To Pho

Canada, Food & Drink, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 28, 2019


(I’m sick with a bad cold, so my husband brings me soup from a nearby Vietnamese restaurant.)

Me: “I should drink the broth for its healing powers. But there’s still some chunks of onion floating around. I don’t want to choke.”

Husband: *distracted by video game* “Killed by pho, huh?”

Me: “Oh, my God.”

(There’s a moment of silence, and then my husband pauses his game and looks at me with a smirk.)

Me & Husband: “Defeated by pho!”

Me: “That has to be my tombstone now. ‘Fought hard, was defeated by pho.’”

Should Have Seen That Date Coming

College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting, USA | Romantic | April 24, 2019


(My roommates convince me to go to my first college party with them. Inevitably, I meet a guy. While we’re making out on the couch:)

Guy: “What’s your major?”

Me: “Psychology.”

Guy: “Woah, you’re psychic?! Are you gonna read my mind?”

(I haven’t been to another party since.)

If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Denmark, Exes/Old Flames, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 20, 2019


(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Denmark, Exes/Old Flames, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 20, 2019


(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

Were You Married To A Royal Blue Tang?

Bad Behavior, Exes/Old Flames, home, USA | Romantic | April 18, 2019


(My ex-husband has a habit of bringing up mistakes from my past to “win” an argument or deflect attention from himself. For example, if I ask him why he hasn’t done something he said he would, he might answer by talking about someone I dated in the early 2000s, or a falling-out I’d had with a relative that I had apologized and been forgiven for long ago. At the same time, he routinely forgets about things we have done together or entire conversations we’ve had. By the time this exchange occurs, I am sick of both of these things happening.)

Ex-Husband: “Hey, whatever happened with [issue we discussed at length yesterday]?”

Me: “We talked all about that yesterday.”

Ex-Husband: “Oh. Huh. I forgot. I need to figure out how to improve my memory.”

Me: “Just pretend everything is a mistake I made over 15 years ago; then you’ll remember every detail.”

Ex-Husband: “Wooow. That was hurtful.”

Me: “Yes. It is very hurtful that you can remember something I did wrong 15 years ago, to someone else, better than a whole conversation we had yesterday.”

(I wish I could say this was the most childish thing he did, but it’s not even close. Thank you, divorce gods

Poke-man-splaining Is So Sexy

Friends, Games, Great Stuff, home, Jerk, Massachusetts, USA | Romantic | April 16, 2019


(For a brief time during college, my friend group hangs out with a guy who fancies himself God’s gift to women and whose favored way of flirting is to find out what a woman likes and style himself as knowing far more about it than she does. I am the first in our friend group he tries this trick on. At the time, I am casually getting into the competitive side of the Pokemon games, which involves raising a team of six monsters to fight against other people’s teams of six monsters.)

Guy: “Let me show you my Pokemon team. It is perfectly crafted to counter all threats that can be thrown against it. I spent hours analyzing the top players to create it.”

Me: “Sure. I’m just running with some of my favorites and a strategy I like. They aren’t top-tier or anything; I just do this for fun.”

Guy: “Well, once the battle is over I’ll explain to you how to actually win.”

(The battle commences in all its Nintendo DS tension and glory. I wipe the floor with him.)

Guy: “You did not use proper Pokemon for real competition and your strategy was weak. I only created my team to win real competitive battles. Change your team and we’ll fight again.

Me: “They beat you well enough, but sure. This team is a group of spares I raised up that don’t fit with the strategy of my main bunch.”

(My victory this time is more hard fought, but just as decisive.)

Guy: “You aren’t using these Pokemon like a proper competitive player would, so I can’t predict your actions to counter them. Change your team and we’ll fight again.”

Me: “Okay… I do have half of an experimental gimmick team I could fill out with some reserves.”

Guy: “Use that.”

(Finally, after insisting I use the team of monsters that consists of my half-finished joke strategy and a few others that don’t fit with the strategy, he gets his victory.)

Guy: “Now, let me tell you what you did wrong and explain how to do it right!”

(I did not listen to him, and it was not long before our friend group stopped hanging out with him. Part of me does wish I could meet him one more time for a rematch, since my half-complete, jokey gimmick team is now a fully functional and competitively viable powerhouse that, despite its ridiculousness, would absolutely destroy him.)

Don’t Get (La)Cross With The Innuendo

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Oregon, Rude & Risque, Sporting Event, USA | Romantic | April 14, 2019


(I’m not particularly interested in sports, while my boyfriend happens to be an athletic trainer. I have just brought him some fast food to a men’s lacrosse game he is working.)

Boyfriend: “So, do you understand how lacrosse is played?”

Me: “Sure! These boys have to score by handling their shafts while running down the field cradling the balls!”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *smiles sweetly*

Boyfriend: “Butthead.”

A Wheely Bad Joke

Car, Ignoring & Inattentive, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 12, 2019


(When other cars are around, my father is a very good driver. When there aren’t cars nearby, he doesn’t pay quite so much attention and often slides a bit into other lanes. This really annoys my mother, but after 27 years, she’s come to the conclusion that it’s not worth mentioning unless it’s quite egregious. Every so often, though, she feels the need to say something, as in this instance:)

Mom: “Honey… you’re in the bike lane.”

Dad: “Oh, that’s okay; I only have two wheels there!”

(It should be noted that he would have been nowhere near the bike lane if there were bikes anywhere in the vicinity. He really is a very safe driver. But he saw his chance to be a smart-alec, and he took it.)

Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Massachusetts, Office, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 11, 2019


(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1 ] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1 ].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Massachusetts, Office, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 11, 2019


(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

Story #1 :

Grocery Store, Minnesota, USA


While doing our weekly grocery shopping it begins to storm outside, the kind of thunderstorm that will soak you to the bone in a matter of seconds. Once my wife, my 2 children, and I are done checking out we stop at the front door to decide if we want to wait for the rain to stop. After checking the weather we decide that it is going to last a while, so I just decide to suck it up and go out to get the car, leaving my wife and kids to wait for me to pull up. I of course get soaked to the bone on my way out. Once I get to the entrance I start loading my kids in the car when the store manager approaches us. I assume she is going to tell me I can’t park there, but instead she proceeds to help me load my groceries into the trunk, along with about 4 other employees all of them getting soaked as well. I have never had that kind of service before and it’s nice to know that there are still people out there willing to help their customers even if it doesn’t help their bottom line.

Story #1:

Grocery Store, Minnesota, USA


While doing our weekly grocery shopping it begins to storm outside, the kind of thunderstorm that will soak you to the bone in a matter of seconds. Once my wife, my 2 children, and I are done checking out we stop at the front door to decide if we want to wait for the rain to stop. After checking the weather we decide that it is going to last a while, so I just decide to suck it up and go out to get the car, leaving my wife and kids to wait for me to pull up. I of course get soaked to the bone on my way out. Once I get to the entrance I start loading my kids in the car when the store manager approaches us. I assume she is going to tell me I can’t park there, but instead she proceeds to help me load my groceries into the trunk, along with about 4 other employees all of them getting soaked as well. I have never had that kind of service before and it’s nice to know that there are still people out there willing to help their customers even if it doesn’t help their bottom line.

Story #2 :

Military, Sri Lanka

In 1936 my great-grandfather left the Royal Navy with the rank of Chief Petty Officer after 22 years service. He then joined the Admiralty as a Naval Paymaster. During the war he was posted to Ceylon (now Sri Lanka). Much to his chagrin, the authorities insisted that he be given a formal rank and appointed him Lieutenant-Commander. Although he had a uniform, he swore that he would never wear it.

One day a U.S. Sub-Lieutenant needed some information from him and demanded that he presented it to him on board his vessel the following morning. My great-grandfather went home and asked his wife to lay out his dress uniform.
“But Robert, you said you would never wear it.”
“Olive, tomorrow I am making an exception.”

The following morning he arrived at the U.S. vessel, in uniform, and was piped aboard. The vessel`s captain, being massively out-ranked by a Naval Lieutenant-Commander, asked very respectfully what he wanted. My great-grandfather said that Mr ***** had demanded that he bring this information to him and therefore he was doing so.

One hopes that the U.S. Sub-Lieutenant was never again quite so high-handed with a `civilian` worker and also that he recovered from the chewing-out that he will have received from his captain.

Story #3 :

Bar, Kentucky, USA

It’s happy hour at the bar I work at, we’re serving a regular we know well for being confrontational normally, and even worse when he gets drunk, but he never actually goes so far as to swing or do anything to incite something past words so we haven’t seen fit to kick him out, we also get people from a nearby military base pretty often, so you’d have to be an idiot to seriously pick a fight. I’m working the bar and see the regular is nearing his point and has gone to pick on someone who, to my horror, is an obvious amputee I haven’t seen before.

Regular: “Come on stumpy, come at me, I’ll even give you the first swing! Or are you gonna show me you’re half the man you used to be!”

The new guy grunts. Obviously annoyed but not wanting trouble he continues to ignore him, then the regular throws his drink in his face.

Regular: “Hey, what’s that on your finger, a wedding band? You even got the d*** to please her anymore? Tell ya what, you give me your address and I’ll go-”

Before anyone can react, the regular is on the floor bleeding from his mouth unconscious, the new guy wipes off his knuckles, sits down like nothing ever happened and goes back to his drink. At this point the soldiers in the bar are going OORAH, when one of them turns to me.

Other regular: “Guy over there is the toughest damn soldier I’ve met, lost his arm to a bomb and still managed to kill the guys that attacked his squad before getting rescued.”

I see the new guy pull out a piece of paper, write something on it, and slip it into the regular’s pocket. When the regular came to it was in the back of an ambulance. The regular was banned for attacking both a veteran and a disabled person as well as jailed for assault. And as for what was written on the note? According to the Vet it was; “What does it say about you that I could still kick your ass with one arm and one punch?”

Story #4 :

Coffee Shop, USA

(This is a small, locally owned coffee shop. A customer comes in with a couple of very energetic children who are excitedly jabbering back and forth to each other in a normal inside voice. The customer, their father and a regular, orders his drinks, pays and goes to wait with them, joining in their silly word game. A minute later another customer comes up to the bar to get their drink.)

Customer: “You need to kick those noisy brats out of here.”
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t kick them out for talking. They’re really not being that loud.”
Customer: “And their father, encouraging his kids to talk in public. Disgraceful. You should ban him for that.”
Me: “Ma’am we don’t ban people for entertaining their kids and we don’t kick kids out for talking in a normal tone of voice.”
Customer: (Yelling at me) “Listen you little b****, I’m the owner’s wife and I’m telling you to ban them right f******* now!”
Me: “I can’t…”
Customer: “Don’t you dare open your f****** mouth to argue with me you b***! I’ll have your a** fired.”

(I flinch at the tirade and find myself unable to respond. At this point the father comes up behind her.)

Father: “[My name], get yourself a drink on me and go on break. I’ll handle this. If your boss says anything just say I’ll explain.”

(He turns to the customer as I nod dumbly and turn to make myself a drink.)

Father: “First of all, you don’t treat other human beings like that. If you had any decency I wouldn’t have to tell you that. Second, my kids are being much better behaved than you are. Third, you weren’t even at the owner’s wedding. I was.”

Customer: (Smugly as if calling a bluff) “If you were at the wedding where were you sitting?”

Father: “I was standing right next to her.”

(The customer keeps smiling smugly for a few seconds before realization hits her like a sledgehammer. Her smile falters then she pales visibly and runs from the store. The owner’s husband covered for me for about 10 minutes while I took a break. When I came back there was a $50 bill in the tip jar. He’d never admit to it, but I suspect he put it in there.)

Story #5 :

Restaurant, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA

(I work at a grill. We don’t really have a vegetarian menu so this customer ordered a grilled cheese. A minute after I bring out their food she flags me down.)

Vegetarian: “I hate to be a bother but there’s um, something in my sandwich.” She shows me: a spider is stuck in the cheese. I’m freaking out, sure we’re going to have a bunch of unhappy customers.

The guy from the table next to hers tries to lean over and see it. He asks “What’s in it?”‘

Vegetarian: “Some kind of meat. I’m a vegetarian. I really hate to ask but could I please have a new one?”

Me: “Of course, I am so sorry. I’ll get that to you right away.” I rush the plate back to the kitchen and show the chef. He goes red and starts yelling at his staff. My manager runs over and demands to know what’s happening. I tell him.

Manager: “Who else saw? We can’t afford to comp more than three..”

Me: “Just her table. She told the other tables it was meat.”

My manager was so grateful he sent over an entire dessert platter and comped their meal. When I told her table their food free they left a $100 tip.

Best table I’ve ever had!

Story #5:

Restaurant, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA

(I work at a grill. We don’t really have a vegetarian menu so this customer ordered a grilled cheese. A minute after I bring out their food she flags me down.)

Vegetarian: “I hate to be a bother but there’s um, something in my sandwich.” She shows me: a spider is stuck in the cheese. I’m freaking out, sure we’re going to have a bunch of unhappy customers.

The guy from the table next to hers tries to lean over and see it. He asks “What’s in it?”‘

Vegetarian: “Some kind of meat. I’m a vegetarian. I really hate to ask but could I please have a new one?”

Me: “Of course, I am so sorry. I’ll get that to you right away.” I rush the plate back to the kitchen and show the chef. He goes red and starts yelling at his staff. My manager runs over and demands to know what’s happening. I tell him.

Manager: “Who else saw? We can’t afford to comp more than three..”

Me: “Just her table. She told the other tables it was meat.”

My manager was so grateful he sent over an entire dessert platter and comped their meal. When I told her table their food free they left a $100 tip.

Best table I’ve ever had!

Story #6 :

Beach, Florida, USA

(I go to visit my 24-year-old best friend in Florida, because her boyfriend called me and told me he was going to propose. After he does so, offers her a ring, she takes it, hugs him, and then studies the ring.)

Her; what is this? *points to a small diamond on the band, that is reasonably sized*
Him; it’s a diamond! *grins*
Her; right. That’s a diamond… ha!
Him; babe, that ring cost $500!
Her; that’s not enough!
Him; what?!

She takes off the ring, and throws it into the sand, then stomps off. Her boyfriend looks at me and his friends who are standing with me, avoiding her family’s gaze. We go over to him, as her family follows him, and hug him. We hung out for the rest of my vacation, and my best friend got really angry with him. I ended up telling her to shut the f*** up, and just leave him alone, if she wanted to be such a greedy b****. Her boyfriend broke up with her then, and after a few months, visited me where I live, and we went out on a few dates. It didn’t work out, but we’re still good friends, and he did find a wife who loves her “small, cheap a** ring!” And finds the original proposal both disgusting and hilarious.

Story #7 :

Fast Food, Virginia, USA

I worked nights during the week and long day shifts on the weekends at a popular burger place, known for their thick burgers. I have been on the clock for two hours when I hear yelling. It’s slow so I had to the back where the manager is yelling at the cooks. It turns out the young fools were bored and decided to play with the hose. They not only broke the sprayer but have torn the hose apart.

Just standing there looking at this fifteen-foot hose, I prayed I wouldn’t need it to clean the bathrooms. The connection to the sprayer was just hanging like a slinky and the sprayer was broken in two. One cook had the hose with the slinky, while the other cook had the handle part of the sprayer in his hand. Both boys were standing there soaked. The back half of the restaurant was soaked. Guess who had to clean up the dry stock and floors, ME. The fools had to clean the kitchen and freezer, it was right next door to where the hook up for the hose was located.

So the night continues, though the two bone heads now try to joke with me about cleaning the bathrooms, which I am dreading. I check the bathrooms. Woman’s is good, just some wiping down and sweeping but the men’s. There is one stall in there… just one… the rest is urinals. Will at some point a cherry bomb or a firecracker had been put in the toilet when it was full of SHIT. I just could not see someone pooping all over that stall because the ceiling and top part was also covered. This stall was ceiling to floor enclosed so a very small space with poop on every surface. Plus it was the farthest room from the front. I really needed that hose. Oh did I forget to say it was all dry and smelled.

No one complained about it and I had no clue when it happened. So I turned around walked right past the fools, who were snickering and right to the manager. I just told her to check out the men’s. She looked at me then the fools and went to see why I was near tears. I really was because I had no clue how to clean it or if I had time. Before she even returned I decided I wasn’t going to. The fools were back joking me and saying how I would be here all night. When did they learn I can’t say I just had a sinking feeling they had a hand in it.

My manager that night was the best, also she was pregnant. When she came back she was pissed. I mean fuming. She just watched them act a fool as she reached over to grab the buckets and brushes we kept near the hose before whistling.

“Since you think it is so funny, why don’t you go look yourself!” She said to them very calmly. They turned toward the kitchen to get back to work only for her to step in their paths. “Oh no. Since you boys broke the hose you are cleaning the men’s bathroom. Like you told (my name) it will take all night.” At that she thrusted the buckets and brushes into their hands and escorted them to the men’s. Her last parting words before turning the corner, “Start with the ceiling as that shit is going to be the hardest place to clean!”

I couldn’t believe what was happening. The cooks never cleaned the bathrooms because they had to stay with the food. As will as the cross contamination that could occur.

That night I learned how to make food and that my manager was a firm believer in Karma. They stayed in the bathrooms for the rest of the night. As I was leaving they were outside the men’s gagging and one of them had a streak down his back. His friend was trying to wipe it off with toilet paper. It was hilarious.

They never joked me about cleaning or ever touched the hose again. I stayed for another few years before I found a better job.

Story #8 :

Call Center, Oregon, USA

(I work in a call center in the comments/suggestions department. This is my first call of the day.)

Me: &#8 220;Thank you for calling [company] comments and suggestions, this is [my name] speaking, how can I be of service today?&#8 221;

Customer: &#8 220;Hi, [my name], I want to start by telling you that I am in an extremely bad mood and that I realize that this is not your fault personally; I am just mad at [company], so if I am rude or aggressive in any way, I apologize.&#8 221;

(The customer was actually the nicest call I had all day. I took down her complaint and flagged it as priority so that somebody would get to it quickly because she tried very hard not to yell at me for the company&#8 217;s mistakes

Story #9 :

Grocery Store, Florida, USA

[Several months back we started selling Star Wars themed Jell-O molds and very few of them sold, so our manager gave them to us cashiers to give away to customers. A few hours had gone by and I had quite honestly forgotten about them when a woman walked up to my register with her son, who started looking at the coloring books we have on display and I notice him looking at a Star Wars one.]

Me: (leans in a bit close, lowering my voice) Does your son like Star Wars?
Woman: Oh my gosh you have no idea! I asked if he wanted to go to the water park today and he said he’d rather sit at home and read the books I got him!

[I then mention the molds and ask if she would like one for him, and she immediately accepts.

Woman: Hey, [boy’s name], this nice lady has something for you! Like a present!
Boy: (puts down the book and walks over) But mom it’s not my birthday!

[I quickly finish the transaction and excuse myself to grab the mold from the register where they were stored. I return with it behind my back and crouch down a bit so I’m closer to his height.]

Me: So, your mom told me you like Star Wars?
Boy: (smiles and nods) Yeah, I love it!
Me: (pulls the mold out from behind my back and hands it to him) This is for you!

[The boy’s eyes lit up as he looked at the characters and he got the biggest grin on his face. He gave me the most sincere ‘Thank you!’ I have ever heard in my life and skipped off with his mom. I’m still grinning about it.]

Story #10 :

Clothing Store, France

(We’re in year 2000 or close. As a teenager, I’m slim and “nicely built” (or so I heard), yet I am VERY modest, especially on the chest area, and my family know it and respect it. I don’t mind girls who wear low-cut clothes, I think it’s really great if they enjoy it and I HATE slut-shaming, yet I’d rather get slapped or punched than showing the slightest part of my “parts”. Up to now most girls and women used to wear swimmer one-pieces on the beach, and I loved it. However, bikinis are coming back into fashion and my mom wants to buy me one of those. I accept, thinking she’ll find me a modestly cut two-pieces or anything that’ll cover everything I want to cover. She makes me try a dozen bikinis on. All of them are too low-cut for my tastes, and the shop assistant (he’s male) is staring.)

Me: “Mom, I don’t feel good in any of those.”

Shop assistant: “Are you sure? Because you look great in ALL of those!”

Me: “I don’t feel good. I’d like to try something more modest, please.”

(The shop assistant comes back with a swimsuit that is even more low-cut than the previous one. I’m running out of patience).

Me: “I’d like to try a one-piece on!”

Mom: “But you look so much better in a bikini!

Me: “Mom, EVERYONE looks good in one-pieces! They hide all the flaws!”

Shop assistant: “Which flaws? Your mom’s right, you have a bikini body!”

Me: “It’s MY body and I want to try a one-piece. I just prefer stuff I can swim with without ever losing the straps.”

Mom: “Try this one on before.”

(I try it. It’s still too low-cut for my tastes.)

Me: “I’d prefer a one-piece.”

Shop assistant: “One-pieces are for grandmothers. Is that what you want to do, looking like a granny? That would be a waste!”

Me: “I’d like something that’s not THAT low-cut, please.”

Shop assistant: “Why? You have beautiful breasts.”

(He’s staring at my cleavage and I’m just a girl. I feel dirty. To all shop assistants who read this, if a customer ever tells you she wants something more modest, just give her something more modest. Don’t make her try sexy things on “for her own good” if she doesn’t want to, especially if she’s a teenager. Prude-shaming is just as wrong as slut-shaming.)

Women Are From Venus…

California, College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting, Students, USA | Romantic | April 9, 2019


(When I teach, I like to use interesting and practical examples whenever I can to keep the students engaged. We’re doing an essay on problem-solving, so I decide to show “The Martian” in class to study the character’s problem-solving skills. [Student #2 ] has been subtly flirting with [Student #1 ] all semester to no avail.)

Me: “All right, guys, make sure you’re taking notes about what problems you see and what the character does to solve them.”

Student #1 : “I can’t wait! I loved the book so much!”

Student #2 : *[trying to impress [Student #1 ]* “Uh, yeah! I did, too!”

Student #1 : “Really? I didn’t think you liked to read.”

Student #2 : *fake scoff* “I said I don’t like fiction, but this is based off of a true story.”

Me: “…”

(Needless to say, that romance went nowhere.)

It’s Always An Abandoned Warehouse

Bizarre, Phone, Revolting, Spouses & Partners, USA, Utah | Romantic | April 8, 2019


(My spouse works delivering and picking up medical supplies from individuals, usually homes. I call him most days to tell him how my day is going and what the baby is up to and to talk to him about how his day is going.)

Spouse: “The GPS says it’s this dilapidated old building.”

Me: “That’s weird.”

Spouse: “It’s a taxidermist.”

Me: “Now you’re just making things up.”

Spouse: “No, it really is! Maybe they work here. I’m going to go knock.”

Me: “I’m never going to see you again. A gang of kids and a Great Dane are going to have to solve the mystery of your disappearance.”

Spouse: “I’ll be right back.”

(He calls me back a few minutes later.)

Me: “You survived?”

Spouse: “It was abandoned. There was a dead bird in the window.”

Me: “Oh, well, oka— Of course there was a dead bird in the window! It’s a taxidermist, not a pet shop!”

Spouse: “No, I mean a real dead bird!”

Me: *laughing*

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

Arizona, Bizarre, Harassment, Public Transport, Strangers, Tempe, USA | Romantic | April 7, 2019


(Parking around the university is scarce and expensive, but there is a train that stops on campus that has free parking lots farther away. After a long day of classes, I head home. I have a really heavy backpack, so I’m relieved to see there is one seat left. As it takes a few minutes to get to my stop, I pull out a book to try and squeeze in a few more pages. Almost as soon as I sit down, the guy sitting in the window seat next to me is suddenly looking very squirrely, and turns in his seat towards me.)

Guy: “Um, uhh…”

Me: “Oh, is this your stop?” *preparing to stand up and let him out*

Guy: “NO! Don’t get up! Uh, I mean, you’re fine.”

Me: “Oh, all right, then.” *looks back down at my book*

Guy: “Um, hey, whatcha reading?”

Me: *after briefly explaining the synopsis* “If you like science fiction, it’s a really good one so far. I can’t put it down.”

(The guy just gives me a blank look and grunts, so I just smile and return to reading. I don’t even make it through another sentence before he pipes up again.)

Guy: “You’re really pretty.”

(I chuckle uncomfortably.)

Guy: “And you chose to sit next to me, out of all the other seats you could have taken… I can’t believe this is happening to me. I finally have a girlfriend!”

(Thankfully, just then, my stop is coming up, so I snatch up my backpack and quickly get up.)

Me: “Er, there actually weren’t any other seats… Anyway, have a nice day.”

(The guy, who up until now has been very soft-spoken, is suddenly so loud that it startles the other passengers.)

Guy: “Oh. OH. OH, so you’re just leaving, then?!”

Me: “Well, this is where I left my car, so… yeah.”

Guy: *overly sarcastic tone* “WHATEVER. I see how it is. You’re just like every other c*** looking for a free hand out, expecting guys to just give you seats because of your rack.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that seat belongs to the city. And I bought a ticket.”

(The guy opened his mouth to say something else, but the doors opened and I got out. As I walked towards the car park he stared at me out the window, glaring daggers and mouthing words, oblivious to the other passengers all turning in their seats at this spectacle. I was pretty nervous about running into him on the train again since I caught the same one every day, but luckily I never did. He probably thinks he’s a nice guy, not the reason why those red panic buttons are installed.)

Date And Dash

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fast Food, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 4, 2019


(My boyfriend and I frequent a 24-hour, diner-style restaurant. Since we usually go late at night, we get to know one of the waitresses. One day, my boyfriend seems to just be jumping with energy. As we’re going to the register to pay, he suddenly runs out the door to the car. The waitress stares at the door for a minute.)

Waitress: “Is he all right?”

Me: “Yeah. He thinks he’s being funny by pretending to dine and dash.”

Waitress: *after a pause* “All right.”

Me: “Yeah. At least we have a joint account

When Lesbians Get Shirty

home, LGBTQ, Minnesota, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 1, 2019


(My wife and I are both women.)

Me: “That shirt makes you look like a lesbian.”

Wife: “I mean, I married you, so… mission accomplished?”

(I laugh and go to finish getting ready. Suddenly, it hits me.)

Me: “Wait a second… That’s my shirt!”

Wife: *hysterical laughter*

Have Some Selfie-Respect

Bizarre, Dating, Extra Stupid, Jerk, Online, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | March 31, 2019


(I met this guy on a dating app, and we have been texting for a few days. I have several tattoos and he has asked to see pics — no big deal. I take some pics of the tats on my ankle and wrist and send them to him.)

Guy: “Who else is with you?”

Me: “Huh? I’m alone. Why?”

Guy: “No, seriously. Why is there another guy there taking pics of you?”

Me: “I just used the camera on my phone; it only needs one hand to take a pic.”

Guy: “No, someone else is there and you are lying to me. It’s not possible to take a pic of your right wrist with your left hand.”

Me: “Okay, you caught me. My house is haunted and the ghost was taking the pics.”

Guy: “I knew it. You lied about being alone. I can’t trust you.”

(Glad I dodged that bullet!)

That Poor Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cleveland, Jerk, Museum, Ohio, USA | Romantic | March 29, 2019


(My museum is hosting an event with representatives from several organizations given tables to talk with guests about their services. My male, married coworker is assigned to help one of the tables and is talking to a young lady running her organization’s activities.)

Coworker: “All right, looks like everything is ready. If you need anything else, let me know.”

Lady: “I have a boyfriend.”

Coworker: “Good for you? Let me know if you need… water or something.”

Shirtless Rock Stars Will Have Them In Fits

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Health & Body, High School, Silly, Texas, USA | Romantic | March 28, 2019


(I have had epilepsy since I was eight, and therefore can not go to any band concerts due to the flashing and strobe lights. There was a Panic! At The Disco concert recently and my boyfriend went without me. The next day he shows me the pictures. Lead singer Brendon Urie took his shirt off during the concert. This is how the conversation goes.)

Me: “I hate not being able to go. I’ve been wanting to go forever.”

Boyfriend: “Sorry, love. We can go next time. Just don’t pay attention.”

(I stop him and look him directly in the eye.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], Brendon Urie took his shirt off. I’m going to pay attention.”

(Cue my best friend, boyfriend, and sister cracking up laughing.)



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34

Won’t Be Ringing Him Up

Amsterdam, Great Stuff, Jerk, Love/Romance, Money, Non-Dialogue, Retail, The Netherlands | Romantic | March 25, 2019


I worked in a jewelry shop and it was close to Valentine’s Day. A lot of men came in to buy some jewelry for the occasion, and we had some strange requests, but there’s one man that I’ll never forget.

He came in and wanted to see some diamond rings to give to “the love of his life.” I didn’t think too much of it since he was wearing Armani clothes and had a Rolex watch and some expensive rings on his fingers. He finally decided on one ring, but when I told him that that would cost 1250 Euros, he was shocked and wanted to see some cheaper rings.

So, I presented him some rings in the 500-Euro range. No, too expensive, but he wanted the best for the love of his life. Okay, some rings in the 250-Euro range? No, too expensive for the love of his life. 100 Euros? No, too expensive. Twenty minutes later, he still couldn’t decide on some cheap rings for the love of his life.

Finally, a customer next in line who saw it all happen came up with this: “Hey, Buster, why don’t you head to [Big DIY Store] and buy a copper curtain ring? The last time I was there, they were 25 cents each. Should be just about right for the love of your life. Or you could buy her an angle grinder; they’re on sale now.”

While I saw some customers grin and smirk, other customers in the shop laughed out loud. The rich guy turned red and sneaked out of the store. Of course, I gave the customer who spoke up a discount for chasing that cheapskate out of the store.

I guess you only become rich by not spending any money. Not even on “the love of your life.”

Conditioned Against Conditioner

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Silly, Vancouver | Romantic | March 24, 2019


(My boyfriend has very curly hair and isn’t a fan of haircuts, so his hair has a tendency to puff up into an afro-like style around his head. He hasn’t cut it in over a year and we’ve just moved in together.)

Me: *squinting at his hair* “Have you been using my conditioner?”

Boyfriend: “Um… Maybe. How did you know?”

Me: “Your hair isn’t as frizzy. It’s hanging down more than sticking up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Is that what it’s for?”

Me: “You know how you like to play with my hair because it’s all soft and shiny? That’s how I keep it that way. You really didn’t know what conditioner is for?”

Boyfriend: “I have two brothers and my parents are hippies. It wasn’t really a thing in my house growing up.”

Me: “So, why did you decide to put it on your head if you didn’t know what it was?”

Boyfriend: “I was taking a shower and I got bored

Conditioned Against Conditioner

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Silly, Vancouver | Romantic | March 24, 2019


(My boyfriend has very curly hair and isn’t a fan of haircuts, so his hair has a tendency to puff up into an afro-like style around his head. He hasn’t cut it in over a year and we’ve just moved in together.)

Me: *squinting at his hair* “Have you been using my conditioner?”

Boyfriend: “Um… Maybe. How did you know?”

Me: “Your hair isn’t as frizzy. It’s hanging down more than sticking up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Is that what it’s for?”

Me: “You know how you like to play with my hair because it’s all soft and shiny? That’s how I keep it that way. You really didn’t know what conditioner is for?”

Boyfriend: “I have two brothers and my parents are hippies. It wasn’t really a thing in my house growing up.”

Me: “So, why did you decide to put it on your head if you didn’t know what it was?”

Boyfriend: “I was taking a shower and I got bored.”

Save The Date!

Movie Theater, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 22, 2019


(My husband and I are standing in line to get snacks at a movie theater, talking while we wait. I respond to something he says in a way that’s snarky and fake-insulting, as that’s how I express my affection most of the time, and he usually volleys it right back.)

Husband: “You are ruining date night.”

Me: *gasps* “This is a date?!”

Husband: “Yes, this is date night and you’re ruining it.”

Me: “Do… do you like me?”

Husband: “…”

Me: “Do you like me like me?!”

Husband: “I’m not sure where you find divorce papers, but you’re making me really tempted to find out.”

Me: “Now who’s ruining date night?”