In Soviet Russia, Joke Is You

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Punny, Silly, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | December 20, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are talking to the plumber about results of some water tests for lead, and about installing special filters called “curtains.”)

Boyfriend: “So, about how much does a lead curtain cost?”

Plumber: “Oh, about [price].”

Boyfriend: “That’s about the same as an iron curtain, then.”

Me: *awkward laugh*

(My boyfriend and the plumber give me funny looks.)

Me: “I thought you were making a communism joke

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

Bad Behavior, Cambridgeshire, College & University, England, Harassment, Health & Body, UK | Romantic | December 18, 2018


(There is a girl in my college class who was in a bad car accident when she was in her early teens, which resulted in her being heavily scarred down the left side of her body — including severe facial scarring — having a pronounced limp, and missing her left arm. Psychologically speaking, she’s sound, and she’s a very independent person, though also very quiet and polite. There’s this guy in our class who’s always jumping up to help her with everything, despite the fact she asks him not to and constantly says she doesn’t need his help and that she’s okay. Over a month later, she’s kind of given up telling him to stop because 1: she doesn’t like confrontation and 2: she’s aware it’s coming from a “good place,” so to speak. Well, that’s what we all thought, anyway. It’s just before lesson, and the guy has asked to talk to the girl alone, so she goes a little bit away to chat. Since he wants to talk to the girl alone, we all watch from a respectable distance. We can see him speaking, then her putting her hand up in front of her. And we’re like, “Oh, he just asked her out and she said no.” She goes to head back, but he stops her and talks a bit more animatedly. She’s a bit more aggressive with her hand gesture back, and walks as quickly as she can back to the group. He follows quite angrily, so we start to walk towards her, as well, just in case.)

Guy: *shouting* “But why?! I’m a nice guy! I did all those things for you!”

Girl: *firmly and fairly loudly* “I didn’t ask you to! In fact, I asked you not to, and you ignored me.”

Guy: “But I still did it! You owe me!”

Girl: “I don’t owe you anything.”

(Our male teacher has arrived at the area at this point, and is also making his way over in case he needs to intervene.)

Guy: “No one else will date you! Not with those scars! You won’t get anyone better than me! I’m willing to look past those scars; don’t think you’ll find anyone else that will!”

(There’s mass shock and everyone freezes. Someone in the group, no idea who, gasps.)

Girl: “Go suck a d**k!”

(More mass shock follows, and another gasp, though there are also some titters.)

Guy: “[Teacher]! Did you hear what she said?!”

Teacher: “You can’t suck my d**k; that’s illegal!”

(The guy stormed off. He went and complained about “bullying by classmates and the teacher” to the reception, which was quickly dropped when the situation was fully explained. He quit college soon after because others found out somehow. Don’t be a “Nice Guy.”)

They’re Repeatedly Phoning In Their Relationship

home, Minnesota, Phone, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 16, 2018


(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)

Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”

Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”

Wife: *calls me*

My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*

([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)

Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”

Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*

Wife: “Just so romantic!”

(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)

Make Her Watch The Antonio Banderas Movie Version, Instead

Books & Reading, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 14, 2018


Me: “[Friend] and I are forming a book club.”

Wife: “Who?”

Me: “[Friend, who I’ve known since childhood].”

Wife: *mumbles something*

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Sounds like a couple of losers.”

Me: “Would a couple of losers be reading something called Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton?”

Wife: “Actually, yes.”

Leave This Story Out Of The Family Legend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | December 12, 2018


(My boyfriend is in his last year of undergrad and studying for the GRE. I am a first-year pharmacy student. He has his General GRE exam tomorrow.)

Boyfriend: “Quick! Name a vocabulary word I should know! Go!”

Me: “Uh… ‘Sennachie.’”

Boyfriend: “The f*** is that?”

Me: “Mostly used in Scotland and Ireland to mean a professional storyteller of family genealogy, history, and legend.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I’ll be honest; I just looked up the word of the day on a dictionary site.”

Boyfriend: “You couldn’t have chosen a more realistic word to describe tone or something?”

Me: “Hey, I could have given you ‘sildenafil.’”

Boyfriend: “You also could have given me ‘magnanimous’ or ‘abstruse.’ What does yours mean? Is it a drug?”

Me: “Look it up!”

(It is the name of a brand of Viagra.)

Boyfriend: “Wow… You’re talking s*** about my d***, then? That’s how we’re playing this? I’ll go hard on you, right here, right now.”

Me: “Do you mean verbally or…?”

(He changed the subject after that.)

The Cartoon Is On A Never-Ending Lupin

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Movies & TV, USA | Romantic | December 10, 2018


(There’s a cartoon series that I really like, and I’ve finally talked my girlfriend into watching it with me. Note that she’s really into cars, and I’m not. We get a few episodes in, and she’s enjoying the series, when we see the main character driving for the first time, and she sits bolt upright.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! The car he’s driving! Do you know what that is?!”

Me: “Um… It’s an old car?”

Girlfriend: “That’s a Mercedes Benz SSK! That’s one of the rarest cars in the world! Less than 40 were ever made! Holy cow, I can’t believe they included that! That’s so awesome!”

(As she’s waxing poetic about the car, I remember what comes next in this episode, and freeze. Sure enough, only a minute or two after it appears onscreen, the driver crashes, and the cartoon car is totaled.)

Girlfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Girlfriend: “NOOOOOOOO!”

Me: “They wreck that car about once per episode. You’re probably not going to watch this with me anymore, are you?”

Girlfriend: “It may do bad things to my blood pressure.”

(She did eventually watch more of it with me, but the car remains a running joke between us!)

Their Driving Is Nothing To Sneeze At

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Car, Health & Body, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 8, 2018


(I have PTSD from being in a severe car accident as a child that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I am mostly recovered and normal as an adult. I prefer to have my wife drive on days when my PTSD is acting up. There’s just this one thing: when she’s driving and sneezes, she grips the wheel with a death grip, shuts her eyes tight, and shakes the wheel side-to-side, making the whole vehicle move side-to-side on the road. This is brown-pants-level terrifying for me. She thinks I’m being a baby about it. We have a dumb fight over it, and then get over it. The next week her parents are in town. Her father is driving us somewhere and he’s driving way above the speed limit. Suddenly, he sneezes, and in doing so, grips and shakes the wheel violently, which causes the vehicle to suddenly merge into a different lane.)

Wife: *with terror in her eyes* “Sorry about last week. You were right.”

Their Driving Is Nothing To Sneeze At

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Car, Health & Body, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 8, 2018


(I have PTSD from being in a severe car accident as a child that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I am mostly recovered and normal as an adult. I prefer to have my wife drive on days when my PTSD is acting up. There’s just this one thing: when she’s driving and sneezes, she grips the wheel with a death grip, shuts her eyes tight, and shakes the wheel side-to-side, making the whole vehicle move side-to-side on the road. This is brown-pants-level terrifying for me. She thinks I’m being a baby about it. We have a dumb fight over it, and then get over it. The next week her parents are in town. Her father is driving us somewhere and he’s driving way above the speed limit. Suddenly, he sneezes, and in doing so, grips and shakes the wheel violently, which causes the vehicle to suddenly merge into a different lane.)

Wife: *with terror in her eyes* “Sorry about last week. You were right.”

How To Get Picked Up By Guys: Look Homeless

California, Harassment, Liars/Scammers, Los Angeles, Strangers, Street, USA | Romantic | December 6, 2018


(I am out late at night, walking to a convenience store. I lead a largely nocturnal schedule so I sometimes have to go to stores at night. I live in an okay neighborhood, but not completely safe, so I do my best not to look like an attractive target for harassment or robbery. There is nothing I can do to hide being female, but I wear old frumpy clothes, going for a look somewhere between “poor” and “homeless.” This evening, about a block before I reach the store, a young guy in sweats and a hoodie, who’s casually walking in the other direction by me on the street, suddenly stops and turns to me.)

Guy: “Hey. Do you have any change to spare for me so I can take the bus?”

(It is too late for any bus line in this area to be running. I don’t carry any cash, in any case.)

Me: “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *goes on his way*

(Half a minute later, when he’s walked at least four house lengths away from me:)

Guy: “Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY!”

(I turn around and see he’s actually got his hands around the sides of his mouth to more effectively shout at me.)

Guy: “Hey! Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make a gesture that I don’t understand him.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make another gesture that I can’t hear.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(The best I could make it out in the moment, it sounded something like, “Do you wanna fight?” I was bit alarmed, and gestured again that I couldn’t hear him. Instead of doing anything sensible, like walking closer to me, the guy started making the “come here” beckoning gesture with his hands that is usually only made to little children. Having had quite enough of this dude bothering me, and having recently had another bad experience after a man made that same exact “come here” hand gesture at me and I was stupid enough to obey, I physically reared back while making a very alarmed expression, turned back around, and hurried super-fast in the opposite direction from him, to the store I was going to. Luckily, he didn’t follow me. Later, after going over the sounds in my head several times, I realized he had actually been calling at me, “Do you wanna ride?” Yes, the guy who’d just thirty seconds previously asked me to give him change so that he could take a — non-existent — bus, now decided it made sense to try to lure me in by offering me a ride.)

How To Get Picked Up By Guys: Look Homeless

California, Harassment, Liars/Scammers, Los Angeles, Strangers, Street, USA | Romantic | December 6, 2018


(I am out late at night, walking to a convenience store. I lead a largely nocturnal schedule so I sometimes have to go to stores at night. I live in an okay neighborhood, but not completely safe, so I do my best not to look like an attractive target for harassment or robbery. There is nothing I can do to hide being female, but I wear old frumpy clothes, going for a look somewhere between “poor” and “homeless.” This evening, about a block before I reach the store, a young guy in sweats and a hoodie, who’s casually walking in the other direction by me on the street, suddenly stops and turns to me.)

Guy: “Hey. Do you have any change to spare for me so I can take the bus?”

(It is too late for any bus line in this area to be running. I don’t carry any cash, in any case.)

Me: “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *goes on his way*

(Half a minute later, when he’s walked at least four house lengths away from me:)

Guy: “Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY!”

(I turn around and see he’s actually got his hands around the sides of his mouth to more effectively shout at me.)

Guy: “Hey! Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make a gesture that I don’t understand him.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make another gesture that I can’t hear.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(The best I could make it out in the moment, it sounded something like, “Do you wanna fight?” I was bit alarmed, and gestured again that I couldn’t hear him. Instead of doing anything sensible, like walking closer to me, the guy started making the “come here” beckoning gesture with his hands that is usually only made to little children. Having had quite enough of this dude bothering me, and having recently had another bad experience after a man made that same exact “come here” hand gesture at me and I was stupid enough to obey, I physically reared back while making a very alarmed expression, turned back around, and hurried super-fast in the opposite direction from him, to the store I was going to. Luckily, he didn’t follow me. Later, after going over the sounds in my head several times, I realized he had actually been calling at me, “Do you wanna ride?” Yes, the guy who’d just thirty seconds previously asked me to give him change so that he could take a — non-existent — bus, now decided it made sense to try to lure me in by offering me a ride.)

There’s No Sugar-Coating This Wasted Journey

Food & Drink, Geography, Non-Dialogue, Oklahoma, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 4, 2018


A few years ago my husband I traveled from Ireland to the USA to complete a coast-to-coast road trip. One day we stopped for lunch in a restaurant that sold every variety of soda you can think of.

At the time, I had seen a lot of talk online about the Mexican version of a popular soda; people were going crazy over it because it apparently tasted so much better than the American version. The restaurant had the Mexican version in stock — at an inflated price of course — and I decided to order one to see what the fuss was about.

My drinks arrived and I took a sip, only to find it tasted exactly like the soda at home. I asked my husband to try it, too, and he said the same thing. That’s when I realised that the Mexican version of the soda is made with real cane sugar, just like in Ireland, and the American version is made with fructose corn syrup. I basically traveled all the way to America to pay through the nose for the same drink we can get at home! My husband still hasn’t let me live it down.

A Recipe For Disaster

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Norfolk, USA, Virginia | Romantic | December 2, 2018


(My boyfriend says that his parents will be in town for a brief visit in two weeks and have expressed an interest in meeting me. We decide that a quiet dinner at my home would be best, which I don’t mind, as I enjoy playing host. As I’m trying to plan the menu, I keep sending my boyfriend recipe ideas and asking him about his parents’ preferences.)

Me: “Is there any food your parents particularly like or dislike? Do they like spicy food or prefer to keep it mild? Are there any foods they’re allergic to? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions I should know about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m sure anything you pick out will be wonderful and they’ll love it.”

Me: “Yes, but I also want to be considerate of their tastes.”

Boyfriend: “You’re overthinking it. You’re an awesome cook, and they’ll love whatever you make for them.”

(Realizing I’m not going to get any sort of help, I plan what I think to be a well-rounded menu complete with salad, an appetizer that contains shellfish, a main course featuring beef tenderloin, and a dessert that contains chocolate. Fast forward to the fateful evening; food-wise, everything is coming out looking delicious. I meet the parents, and while they seem to respond favorably to me, I notice between the two of them they’ve barely touched their food. I don’t want to call attention to this fact, but I’m worried something is wrong. They end up excusing themselves early, asking my boyfriend to take them back to his home. He quickly sneaks in a kiss on the way out, saying he’ll call. An hour later he calls.)

Me: “So, is everything all right? Your parents didn’t seem to like the anything I made for them and were wanting to get out of here pretty quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, the food was a bust for them. We’re at [Nearby Restaurant] right now and they’re getting something to eat. I excused myself to the bathroom to call you really quick.”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Boyfriend: “I thought your food was delicious.” *sigh* “It’s just that… Well, my father doesn’t eat any type of salad except potato salad. My mother is a pescetarian, meaning she’ll eat fish, but not meat, and the only beef my father will eat is ground beef. Not to mention the only types of side dishes he’ll eat are either pasta, potatoes, or biscuits, not vegetables like you made. Oh, and my mother is allergic to chocolate.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *annoyed* “And you didn’t think any of this information was important enough to tell me when I was planning the menu? I asked you about these things and was told, ‘whatever I make is fine.’”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I f***** up, didn’t I?”

Me: “Big time.”

(And that’s the story of how I first met — and starved — my in-laws. Since I’ve been with their son, they’ve come to love the dishes I make, as long as I keep their preferences and dietary restrictions in mind.)

Why Did You Have To Be Such A D**k?

Coworkers, Harassment, Kansas, Non-Dialogue, Office, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | November 30, 2018


I have been working at my current company for about three years now as a trainer. This company seems to experience higher-than-average turnover due to the stress of the job and lack of management. I recently announced that I will be leaving this company to become a trainer elsewhere. As soon as I announced that I was leaving, one of the employees I trained started acting a little “friendly.” It seems that he has always had a crush on me, but has kept it professional.

When he heard that I was leaving, he asked me to go get a drink with him, multiple times. I turned down each request, as I am married; he is even friends with my husband. However, tonight I received a direct message from him on Facebook, followed by a picture notification. Dreading what it contained, I had my husband open it. Yep. Dick pic. It was accompanied by a message saying, “You always make me laugh. I wish you weren’t leaving.”

Yeah, this is going to HR in the morning.

Dressed To Impressionable

Hotel, Parents/Guardians, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 28, 2018


(This takes place in the midwest of the USA in the 1970s. I wasn’t born at the time this story took place but I’ve heard it multiple times. My father is your stereotypical New Englander, which includes hating to spend money. When my parents first met, my dad owned two suits; he’d wear one all week, then take it to the dry cleaners and wear the second for a week. He also had only one belt, which Mom says “was held together by about 200 staples,” because he refused to spend money on a new belt. One of the first things she did when they got married was buy him several new suits. He has to go on a business trip and this is what happens when he returns.)

Dad: “You dressed me too nicely!”

Mom: “Why? What happened?”

Dad: “When I got into the elevator, a woman got in with me, leaned over, and whispered how nice I looked and asked if I would like to go back to her room!”

Mom: *trying not to laugh at Dad’s ignorance* “Honey, that was a prostitute!”

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

You Have Her Cornered

Boston, Extra Stupid, Geography, home, Massachusetts, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 9, 2019


(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

Appallingly Unaware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Language & Words, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | January 8, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

Harassment, home, Phone, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2019


(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise.)

Just Axing For Trouble

Bizarre, Harassment, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Park, Strangers | Romantic | January 6, 2019


This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

Assisted Living And Leaving

Assisted Living, Michigan, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2019


(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

An Affair To Dismember

Bad Behavior, Canada, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, home | Romantic | January 4, 2019


(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”



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I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

Bizarre, Games, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2019


(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

Informative About The Current State Of Humanity

Austria, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Bus, Extra Stupid, Vienna | Romantic | January 2, 2019


(I am on a bus when I overhear these bits and pieces of a conversation between a man and his girlfriend. Apparently the man has bought a children’s ticket — don’t know what for — for himself and is now angry that he’ll have to pay a fine. Apparently it’s really unclear that a man in his 30s probably doesn’t qualify for a children’s ticket. And then he says this gem:)

Man: “It’s not my fault I don’t inform myself!”

About To Be NewlyDead

Engaged, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, New York, USA | Romantic | January 1, 2019


(After dating a year and a half, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, or rather I am. My husband mentions he wants to hire some of his friends who run a photography and DJ business. Other than that, he generally says, “Whatever you want, dear.” All my efforts to get him more involved with any other aspects come to naught. I ask him to contact his friend while I do all the other bits. As the wedding date comes closer, I realize he hasn’t contacted his friends; he’d expected me to do that, as well, since I was the one “planning everything.” I freak out a little because it is so close to the wedding and his friends are now booked up. I scramble to find replacements for the photographer and DJ. At this point my husband-to-be catches on to how stressful the planning has been, and the following conversation occurs.)

Fiancé: “You are really stressing out over this, aren’t you? You know you don’t have to do it all on your own.”

(I feel the ball of stress that has been sitting in my chest for the last few weeks loosening a little bit.)

Me: “Thank you, I—“

Fiancé: *continuing his thought* “Just ask my mom for whatever help you need!”

(So close, yet so spectacularly missing the point.)

About To Be NewlyDead

Engaged, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, New York, USA | Romantic | January 1, 2019


(After dating a year and a half, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, or rather I am. My husband mentions he wants to hire some of his friends who run a photography and DJ business. Other than that, he generally says, “Whatever you want, dear.” All my efforts to get him more involved with any other aspects come to naught. I ask him to contact his friend while I do all the other bits. As the wedding date comes closer, I realize he hasn’t contacted his friends; he’d expected me to do that, as well, since I was the one “planning everything.” I freak out a little because it is so close to the wedding and his friends are now booked up. I scramble to find replacements for the photographer and DJ. At this point my husband-to-be catches on to how stressful the planning has been, and the following conversation occurs.)

Fiancé: “You are really stressing out over this, aren’t you? You know you don’t have to do it all on your own.”

(I feel the ball of stress that has been sitting in my chest for the last few weeks loosening a little bit.)

Me: “Thank you, I—“

Fiancé: *continuing his thought* “Just ask my mom for whatever help you need!”

(So close, yet so spectacularly missing the point.)

This Party Has Gone To The Dogs

Alcohol, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 30, 2018


(My boyfriend and I both really want a dog, but between our crazy work hours, we just wouldn’t be able to take care of one. We’re at my parents’ house for a party, and although [Boyfriend] is usually good at pacing himself, tonight, he gets very drunk, and proceeds to spend the next hour petting my parents’ dog — who is loving the attention — and telling her what a good girl she is. I’m helping my parents clean up when I hear him actually singing to the dog! The next day on the drive home, we’re talking about it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, I can’t believe I got that drunk. Did I do anything too embarrassing?”

Me: *laughing* “Define, ‘too embarrassing.’”

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, what did I do?!”

Me: “Nothing bad. You just got really happy and goofy, and you were petting the dog and telling her how awesome she is. You did start singing to her towards the end of the night, though.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no. I can’t believe I did that in front of your parents!”

Me: “Don’t worry; they don’t care. After you fell asleep, they both had stories about getting drunk and acting stupid in front of each other’s families. They’re definitely not about to hold it against you.”

Boyfriend: “You sure? I still feel bad.”

Me: “I’m very sure. Although…” *laughing* “You never sing to me! Or tell me how pretty and awesome I am! I’m a little jealous of the dog.”

Boyfriend: *guilty* “Of course I love you more than the dog. But… I live with you. I see you every day. I don’t get to see dogs every day; when I do, it’s an occasion!”

(I couldn’t argue the logic!)

Till Snore Do We Part

home, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 28, 2018


(Seeing my husband beginning to nap on the couch, I turn off the lights.)

Husband: “Ah, thanks for being so sweet to me.”

Me: *wanting to tease him* “Nah, that was total selfishness. You can’t annoy me when you’re asleep.”

(I get two steps away.)

Husband: “Snoring.”

Me: *frozen with a foot in the air* “Yep. You got me there

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

At The Checkout, Harassment, Holidays, Pennsylvania, Retail, USA | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018


(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

At The Checkout, Harassment, Holidays, Pennsylvania, Retail, USA | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018


(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

Oh, Dear…

Chicago, Funny Names, Illinois, Office, Party, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | July 10, 2019


(One of my coworkers got married, and a few weeks later he is still very much in his honeymoon phase. Everyone in the office has heard about when he met her, when they started dating, and when they got engaged through passing comments during casual conversations, but none of us has ever met her. He decides to attend a work party and bring his wife along. The running gag all night long is his overuse of terms of endearment.)

Coworker: “Darling, can you come here?”

Coworker: “Love, come meet my manager!”

Coworker: “Did you find your phone, sweetheart?’

Coworker: “I’m just going to run to the car, babe.”

Coworker: “Honey, have you seen my keys?”

Coworker: “Sweetie, can I borrow your phone?”

Coworker: “I can’t find my wallet, dear.”

Coworker: “Sugar, can you hand me that glass?”

Coworker: “Oh, angel! Come meet [Other Coworker]!”

Coworker: “Hey, lover, what time do you want to head out?”

(Eventually…)

Wife: “[Coworker]! Do you even know my name?!”

(I feel like I have to mention that she said it jokingly. They’ve been married for about seven years now, and he still prefers pet names. I wish them the best!)

All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

Australia, Family & Kids, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | | Romantic | July 5, 2019


(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

He Was In Arizona All Along

Arizona, Awesome, Great Stuff, Mall, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 14, 2019


(While we’re at the mall, I sit down at a table to take a break while my wife wanders off to look in [National Candle Store Chain]. When she comes back, she is grinning and can barely contain her laughter.)

Me: “What are you laughing at?”

Wife: “Well, I saw a post on the Internet about a specific candle scent. Apparently, someone claimed it smelled like the perfect man. The post has a lot of replies with variations on the theme of, ‘I went and smelled it, and you were right; it is the scent of the perfect man!’ So, I was curious and had to go smell it myself.”

Me: “And? What did it smell like?”

Wife: “You!”

Me: *confused* “What?”

Wife: “It is the same scent as your body wash!”

(I don’t mean to brag, but… I have multiple people on the Internet claiming that I’m the perfect man. I still tease my wife about this.)

Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster Walk Into A Furniture Store…

home, Math & Science, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 11, 2019


(My husband and I are following a set of instructions that include the phrase, “Press gently, but very firmly.” We are getting frustrated by the fact that, a) it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and b) they haven’t elaborated more on HOW gently, HOW firmly, etc. It should be noted that my husband is a mechanical engineer.)

Husband: “Just how firmly do they mean?”

Me: *somewhat snarky* “’Press gently, but with a force of however many PSI…’”

(PSI stands for “Pounds per Square Inch.”)

Husband: “No, PSI would be too large for something this small. I don’t have anywhere near an inch to push on here.”

Me: “Okay… How about PS-half-inch? PS-quarter-inch?”

Husband: “That’s not going to work, either. You probably need something in metric measurements. They scale down more easily.”

Me: *a bit snarky again* “Okay, fine. PSCM? Pounds per square centimeter?”

(My husband got a horrified look on his face and told me this was why I was not an engineer. Apparently, one cannot mix metric and imperial units quite as easily as I thought. I assumed that there would be an equation that could calculate it, but apparently, such an equation would be a massive pain to work with.)

Attack Of The Snail Spiders

Camp, Pets & Animals, Saint Lucia, Silly, South Africa, Spouses & Partners | | Romantic | June 9, 2019


Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

His Jokes Are Unappeeling

California, Movie Theater, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2018


(Overheard, walking out after a long movie:)

Wife: “As soon as we leave, I need to visit the bank to deposit my check.”

Husband: “But before we do that, I need to visit the bathroom to deposit my urine.”

Outlininder

home, Movies & TV, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2018


(A commercial for Outlander comes on while my husband is watching football. Having enjoyed the story and historical fiction in general, I get distracted and, consequently, stop what I am saying mid-sentence.)

Husband: “I guess I need to get a shirt like that?”

Perfume… Actually

Cheaters, Great Stuff, Holidays, Retail, UK | Right Romantic | December 24, 2018


(I am working on the fragrance counter of a large store on Christmas Eve when a man asks for my help selecting presents — women’s perfume. He tells me he needs two presents, one for under €100 and one under €20. He chooses to go over budget with the more expensive gift, and we are now browsing for the smaller gift.)

Me: “Okay, it seems you like [Fragrance #1 ] more than the others. It costs €25 for 75 mls, which is a little over your budget, but you do get a big bottle, which is good value.”

Customer: “Hmm… Yes, I do like it a lot more than [Fragrance #2 ] and [Fragrance #3 ], but it is a little bit too expensive, seeing as I’ve gone over budget with the other one.”

Me: “Okay, well, we do have [Fragrance #4 ] on sale for €19.99 for 50 mls. It’s a very good brand, and a nice, medium-sized bottle.”

Customer: “Right, I’ll go with that one, then! Any chance you could gift wrap them both for me?”

Me: “Great. Let me just scan them through, and I will wrap them while we put your card through.”

(I wrap them, and then notice that the bottles are hard to tell apart when wrapped in the same paper.)

Me: “Would I be able to put a name on either gift for you, sir? They look very alike, and it might be hard to tell them apart without labeling them.”

Customer: “Oh, they do look the same! Yeah, could you put [Name #1 ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #2 ] on the other?”

Me: “No problem. Let me just grab my pen!”

Customer: “Actually… could we swap that around? [Name #2 ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #1 ] on the other?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer: *laughing* “You see one’s for the wife, and the other’s for a colleague… Can’t be mixing them up!”

Me: *smiling and joking with him* “No, you’d be in trouble if you did!”

Customer: “Yeah, the wife mightn’t mind [cheap perfume], but [Name #2 ] told me specifically to get [expensive perfume]!”

Me: “…”

(It made me wonder just how close he and his “colleague” were.)

In Soviet Russia, Joke Is You

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Punny, Silly, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | December 20, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are talking to the plumber about results of some water tests for lead, and about installing special filters called “curtains.”)

Boyfriend: “So, about how much does a lead curtain cost?”

Plumber: “Oh, about [price].”

Boyfriend: “That’s about the same as an iron curtain, then.”

Me: *awkward laugh*

(My boyfriend and the plumber give me funny looks.)

Me: “I thought you were making a communism joke.”

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

Bad Behavior, Cambridgeshire, College & University, England, Harassment, Health & Body, UK | Romantic | December 18, 2018


(There is a girl in my college class who was in a bad car accident when she was in her early teens, which resulted in her being heavily scarred down the left side of her body — including severe facial scarring — having a pronounced limp, and missing her left arm. Psychologically speaking, she’s sound, and she’s a very independent person, though also very quiet and polite. There’s this guy in our class who’s always jumping up to help her with everything, despite the fact she asks him not to and constantly says she doesn’t need his help and that she’s okay. Over a month later, she’s kind of given up telling him to stop because 1: she doesn’t like confrontation and 2: she’s aware it’s coming from a “good place,” so to speak. Well, that’s what we all thought, anyway. It’s just before lesson, and the guy has asked to talk to the girl alone, so she goes a little bit away to chat. Since he wants to talk to the girl alone, we all watch from a respectable distance. We can see him speaking, then her putting her hand up in front of her. And we’re like, “Oh, he just asked her out and she said no.” She goes to head back, but he stops her and talks a bit more animatedly. She’s a bit more aggressive with her hand gesture back, and walks as quickly as she can back to the group. He follows quite angrily, so we start to walk towards her, as well, just in case.)

Guy: *shouting* “But why?! I’m a nice guy! I did all those things for you!”

Girl: *firmly and fairly loudly* “I didn’t ask you to! In fact, I asked you not to, and you ignored me.”

Guy: “But I still did it! You owe me!”

Girl: “I don’t owe you anything.”

(Our male teacher has arrived at the area at this point, and is also making his way over in case he needs to intervene.)

Guy: “No one else will date you! Not with those scars! You won’t get anyone better than me! I’m willing to look past those scars; don’t think you’ll find anyone else that will!”

(There’s mass shock and everyone freezes. Someone in the group, no idea who, gasps.)

Girl: “Go suck a d**k!”

(More mass shock follows, and another gasp, though there are also some titters.)

Guy: “[Teacher]! Did you hear what she said?!”

Teacher: “You can’t suck my d**k; that’s illegal!”

(The guy stormed off. He went and complained about “bullying by classmates and the teacher” to the reception, which was quickly dropped when the situation was fully explained. He quit college soon after because others found out somehow. Don’t be a “Nice Guy.”)