They’re Repeatedly Phoning In Their Relationship

home, Minnesota, Phone, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 16, 2018


(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)

Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”

Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”

Wife: *calls me*

My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*

([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)

Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”

Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*

Wife: “Just so romantic!”

(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)

Make Her Watch The Antonio Banderas Movie Version, Instead

Books & Reading, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 14, 2018


Me: “[Friend] and I are forming a book club.”

Wife: “Who?”

Me: “[Friend, who I’ve known since childhood].”

Wife: *mumbles something*

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Sounds like a couple of losers.”

Me: “Would a couple of losers be reading something called Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton?”

Wife: “Actually, yes.”

Leave This Story Out Of The Family Legend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | December 12, 2018


(My boyfriend is in his last year of undergrad and studying for the GRE. I am a first-year pharmacy student. He has his General GRE exam tomorrow.)

Boyfriend: “Quick! Name a vocabulary word I should know! Go!”

Me: “Uh… ‘Sennachie.’”

Boyfriend: “The f*** is that?”

Me: “Mostly used in Scotland and Ireland to mean a professional storyteller of family genealogy, history, and legend.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I’ll be honest; I just looked up the word of the day on a dictionary site.”

Boyfriend: “You couldn’t have chosen a more realistic word to describe tone or something?”

Me: “Hey, I could have given you ‘sildenafil.’”

Boyfriend: “You also could have given me ‘magnanimous’ or ‘abstruse.’ What does yours mean? Is it a drug?”

Me: “Look it up!”

(It is the name of a brand of Viagra.)

Boyfriend: “Wow… You’re talking s*** about my d***, then? That’s how we’re playing this? I’ll go hard on you, right here, right now.”

Me: “Do you mean verbally or…?”

(He changed the subject after that.)

The Cartoon Is On A Never-Ending Lupin

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Movies & TV, USA | Romantic | December 10, 2018


(There’s a cartoon series that I really like, and I’ve finally talked my girlfriend into watching it with me. Note that she’s really into cars, and I’m not. We get a few episodes in, and she’s enjoying the series, when we see the main character driving for the first time, and she sits bolt upright.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! The car he’s driving! Do you know what that is?!”

Me: “Um… It’s an old car?”

Girlfriend: “That’s a Mercedes Benz SSK! That’s one of the rarest cars in the world! Less than 40 were ever made! Holy cow, I can’t believe they included that! That’s so awesome!”

(As she’s waxing poetic about the car, I remember what comes next in this episode, and freeze. Sure enough, only a minute or two after it appears onscreen, the driver crashes, and the cartoon car is totaled.)

Girlfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Girlfriend: “NOOOOOOOO!”

Me: “They wreck that car about once per episode. You’re probably not going to watch this with me anymore, are you?”

Girlfriend: “It may do bad things to my blood pressure.”

(She did eventually watch more of it with me, but the car remains a running joke between us!)

Their Driving Is Nothing To Sneeze At

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Car, Health & Body, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 8, 2018


(I have PTSD from being in a severe car accident as a child that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I am mostly recovered and normal as an adult. I prefer to have my wife drive on days when my PTSD is acting up. There’s just this one thing: when she’s driving and sneezes, she grips the wheel with a death grip, shuts her eyes tight, and shakes the wheel side-to-side, making the whole vehicle move side-to-side on the road. This is brown-pants-level terrifying for me. She thinks I’m being a baby about it. We have a dumb fight over it, and then get over it. The next week her parents are in town. Her father is driving us somewhere and he’s driving way above the speed limit. Suddenly, he sneezes, and in doing so, grips and shakes the wheel violently, which causes the vehicle to suddenly merge into a different lane.)

Wife: *with terror in her eyes* “Sorry about last week. You were right.”

How To Get Picked Up By Guys: Look Homeless

California, Harassment, Liars/Scammers, Los Angeles, Strangers, Street, USA | Romantic | December 6, 2018


(I am out late at night, walking to a convenience store. I lead a largely nocturnal schedule so I sometimes have to go to stores at night. I live in an okay neighborhood, but not completely safe, so I do my best not to look like an attractive target for harassment or robbery. There is nothing I can do to hide being female, but I wear old frumpy clothes, going for a look somewhere between “poor” and “homeless.” This evening, about a block before I reach the store, a young guy in sweats and a hoodie, who’s casually walking in the other direction by me on the street, suddenly stops and turns to me.)

Guy: “Hey. Do you have any change to spare for me so I can take the bus?”

(It is too late for any bus line in this area to be running. I don’t carry any cash, in any case.)

Me: “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *goes on his way*

(Half a minute later, when he’s walked at least four house lengths away from me:)

Guy: “Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY!”

(I turn around and see he’s actually got his hands around the sides of his mouth to more effectively shout at me.)

Guy: “Hey! Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make a gesture that I don’t understand him.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make another gesture that I can’t hear.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(The best I could make it out in the moment, it sounded something like, “Do you wanna fight?” I was bit alarmed, and gestured again that I couldn’t hear him. Instead of doing anything sensible, like walking closer to me, the guy started making the “come here” beckoning gesture with his hands that is usually only made to little children. Having had quite enough of this dude bothering me, and having recently had another bad experience after a man made that same exact “come here” hand gesture at me and I was stupid enough to obey, I physically reared back while making a very alarmed expression, turned back around, and hurried super-fast in the opposite direction from him, to the store I was going to. Luckily, he didn’t follow me. Later, after going over the sounds in my head several times, I realized he had actually been calling at me, “Do you wanna ride?” Yes, the guy who’d just thirty seconds previously asked me to give him change so that he could take a — non-existent — bus, now decided it made sense to try to lure me in by offering me a ride.)

There’s No Sugar-Coating This Wasted Journey

Food & Drink, Geography, Non-Dialogue, Oklahoma, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 4, 2018


A few years ago my husband I traveled from Ireland to the USA to complete a coast-to-coast road trip. One day we stopped for lunch in a restaurant that sold every variety of soda you can think of.

At the time, I had seen a lot of talk online about the Mexican version of a popular soda; people were going crazy over it because it apparently tasted so much better than the American version. The restaurant had the Mexican version in stock — at an inflated price of course — and I decided to order one to see what the fuss was about.

My drinks arrived and I took a sip, only to find it tasted exactly like the soda at home. I asked my husband to try it, too, and he said the same thing. That’s when I realised that the Mexican version of the soda is made with real cane sugar, just like in Ireland, and the American version is made with fructose corn syrup. I basically traveled all the way to America to pay through the nose for the same drink we can get at home! My husband still hasn’t let me live it down

A Recipe For Disaster

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Norfolk, USA, Virginia | Romantic | December 2, 2018


(My boyfriend says that his parents will be in town for a brief visit in two weeks and have expressed an interest in meeting me. We decide that a quiet dinner at my home would be best, which I don’t mind, as I enjoy playing host. As I’m trying to plan the menu, I keep sending my boyfriend recipe ideas and asking him about his parents’ preferences.)

Me: “Is there any food your parents particularly like or dislike? Do they like spicy food or prefer to keep it mild? Are there any foods they’re allergic to? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions I should know about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m sure anything you pick out will be wonderful and they’ll love it.”

Me: “Yes, but I also want to be considerate of their tastes.”

Boyfriend: “You’re overthinking it. You’re an awesome cook, and they’ll love whatever you make for them.”

(Realizing I’m not going to get any sort of help, I plan what I think to be a well-rounded menu complete with salad, an appetizer that contains shellfish, a main course featuring beef tenderloin, and a dessert that contains chocolate. Fast forward to the fateful evening; food-wise, everything is coming out looking delicious. I meet the parents, and while they seem to respond favorably to me, I notice between the two of them they’ve barely touched their food. I don’t want to call attention to this fact, but I’m worried something is wrong. They end up excusing themselves early, asking my boyfriend to take them back to his home. He quickly sneaks in a kiss on the way out, saying he’ll call. An hour later he calls.)

Me: “So, is everything all right? Your parents didn’t seem to like the anything I made for them and were wanting to get out of here pretty quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, the food was a bust for them. We’re at [Nearby Restaurant] right now and they’re getting something to eat. I excused myself to the bathroom to call you really quick.”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Boyfriend: “I thought your food was delicious.” *sigh* “It’s just that… Well, my father doesn’t eat any type of salad except potato salad. My mother is a pescetarian, meaning she’ll eat fish, but not meat, and the only beef my father will eat is ground beef. Not to mention the only types of side dishes he’ll eat are either pasta, potatoes, or biscuits, not vegetables like you made. Oh, and my mother is allergic to chocolate.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *annoyed* “And you didn’t think any of this information was important enough to tell me when I was planning the menu? I asked you about these things and was told, ‘whatever I make is fine.’”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I f***** up, didn’t I?”

Me: “Big time.”

(And that’s the story of how I first met — and starved — my in-laws. Since I’ve been with their son, they’ve come to love the dishes I make, as long as I keep their preferences and dietary restrictions in mind.)

Why Did You Have To Be Such A D**k?

Coworkers, Harassment, Kansas, Non-Dialogue, Office, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | November 30, 2018


I have been working at my current company for about three years now as a trainer. This company seems to experience higher-than-average turnover due to the stress of the job and lack of management. I recently announced that I will be leaving this company to become a trainer elsewhere. As soon as I announced that I was leaving, one of the employees I trained started acting a little “friendly.” It seems that he has always had a crush on me, but has kept it professional.

When he heard that I was leaving, he asked me to go get a drink with him, multiple times. I turned down each request, as I am married; he is even friends with my husband. However, tonight I received a direct message from him on Facebook, followed by a picture notification. Dreading what it contained, I had my husband open it. Yep. Dick pic. It was accompanied by a message saying, “You always make me laugh. I wish you weren’t leaving.”

Yeah, this is going to HR in the morning.

Dressed To Impressionable

Hotel, Parents/Guardians, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 28, 2018


(This takes place in the midwest of the USA in the 1970s. I wasn’t born at the time this story took place but I’ve heard it multiple times. My father is your stereotypical New Englander, which includes hating to spend money. When my parents first met, my dad owned two suits; he’d wear one all week, then take it to the dry cleaners and wear the second for a week. He also had only one belt, which Mom says “was held together by about 200 staples,” because he refused to spend money on a new belt. One of the first things she did when they got married was buy him several new suits. He has to go on a business trip and this is what happens when he returns.)

Dad: “You dressed me too nicely!”

Mom: “Why? What happened?”

Dad: “When I got into the elevator, a woman got in with me, leaned over, and whispered how nice I looked and asked if I would like to go back to her room!”

Mom: *trying not to laugh at Dad’s ignorance* “Honey, that was a prostitute!”

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

Ballet, Geeks Rule, Musical Mayhem, New York, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 24, 2018


(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

It’s About The Turkey, See The Stuffing, The Potatoes Are So Mellow, I Yam What I Yam

Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | November 22, 2018


In memory of our little experiment with a different style of titles, we offer up a Thanksgiving spread of stories with absolutely normal titles. Feast upon some of our best-loved tales of the foods of Thanksgiving, including some all-time favorites!

Talking Turkey – Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Going Red About The Green – What’s the matter, pumpkin pie?

A Barrel Of Laughs – By any chance, did the writer fall in… and were they wearing green? It would explain the previous story…

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving – Fare is fair!

Pranksgiving – That’s not how a turducken works.

Not Talking Enough Turkey – He likes his turkey as dry as a martini, but hold the booze and give it to the poor server!

A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies – He likes his cookies like… Wait. Never mind.

Wasn’t Born In The Pumpkin Patch – Guess he won’t get a visit from The Great Pumpkin, either.

With Great Bacon Comes Great Responsibility – Some love it. Some hate it. Some say everything is better with bacon.

A Monster Mash Potato – We think it sounds tasty…

More Thanks-taking Than Thanksgiving – This story of turkey-grabbing mayhem is a favorite for good reason!



We give thanks for the things we have, the friends and family we love, and the end of those goofy titles. Now, let’s eat!

Getting Cross-Eyed At The Crossing

Car, Engaged, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Romantic | November 22, 2018


(My fiancé and I are in the car with my fiancé in the driver’s seat. We are heading down a long road that has at least two traffic light crossings very close together. As we are approaching the first set of lights, they turn red, but the car is not slowing down. Slightly panicked, I alert my fiancé.)

Me: *voice rising in pitch* “You’re going to run a red light, [Fiancé]!”

(He slams on the brakes and comes to a sharp halt just before the crossing, staring ahead.)

Fiancé: “That could’ve been bad.”

(I notice that on the other side of the crossing, waiting for the light to turn green, is a police car.)

Me: “I can’t believe you almost ran a red light in front of a cop! Did you not see that it was red?”

Fiancé: *sheepishly* “All I saw was green. I saw the cop car… just not the red light.”

Me: “Are you colourblind?”

(My fiancé eventually explains that he was looking ahead at the second crossing, which was green, and completely forgot about the crossing he was approaching. He was very glad I stopped him from running a red light in full view of a police car. This will make for a great story to bring up next time he criticises my driving skills.)

Need To Put More Than A Hundred Feet Between Me And You

California, Gas Station, Harassment, Los Angeles, Strangers, USA | Romantic | November 20, 2018


(My car’s gas gauge is wonky, and one time my car unexpectedly runs out of gas while on the road, around early afternoon. Luckily, traffic is sparse and I am in my neighborhood, maybe 100 feet from a gas station. I manage to park on the side of the street, fish my empty gas can out of the backseat, and walk the 100 feet across an intersection to the gas station. As I’m crouching down near one of the pumps, filling up the gas can, some dude suddenly looms right over my head. I can see his pickup truck with its door open parked right behind him; it’s obvious he’s not an employee here. It’s just as obvious that he’s not here to get gas, himself.)

Dude: “Uh… so… Um-hmm…”

(I ignore him and pretend to be terribly busy. Nothing good has EVER come to me from talking to strange men.)

Dude: *inching even closer to me* “Uhh… Um-HEM! HI! HELLO! MISS!”

(I sigh. Clearly he’s not going away.)

Me: *side-eyeing him* “Yes?”

Dude: *suggestively* “Soooo… I just saw you walking down the street with your gas can while I was driving.”

(There is a very expectant pause while he’s staring at me hard enough that it’s almost like he’s attempting hypnosis. Already knowing where this is going, I put on a sweet, condescending tone of voice and a fake smile.)

Me: “That’s great for you!”

(I immediately dropped the smile and turned away from him again. He was somewhat flustered at this, but wouldn’t you just know it – he persisted in repeatedly offering me “a ride” to my car, anyway. Shockingly, I said no. Several times over. He finally left, with extreme reluctance. I have a very high skepticism that it’s even possible he didn’t see how close my car was parked, but frankly, even if I had to walk 100 miles instead of 100 feet, I’d never have agreed to get into his truck. 100 feet! That’s how little it takes to have a creep notice you walking alone down a street and decide to follow you in his car!)

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Long Distance, Phone, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 18, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

California, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vet | Romantic | November 16, 2018


(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1 ] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2 ] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)

Got His Seven-Up!

home, New York, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 14, 2018


(My husband and I are eating a dinner of steak and garden peas together. Midway through the meal, he throws a couple of peas at me.)

Husband: *giggles* “I just peed on you!”

(A few minutes later he picks up his soda, glancing seductively at me.)

Husband: “Maybe later I’ll ‘mount-and-do’ you.”

(I’m so glad I found someone who enjoys the same humor as I do.)

That’s Some Really Crappy Sex

Flirting, home, New York, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 12, 2018


(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

Victory Cream!

Health & Body, home, Ireland, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | November 10, 2018


(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)

This Marriage Is Such A Snooze-Fest

home, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 8, 2018


My husband has an incredibly loud and powerful snore. One night, I was awake with a bad migraine when his snoring went over the top, causing intense pain in my head. I tried rolling him over, poking his shoulder, talking loudly to him, bouncing the bed, flicking water in his face… Nothing stopped the snoring. I decided to ruffle his mustache with a pencil. Thank heaven I was using the eraser end, because he rolled toward me, which allowed the pencil to go up his nose!

The snoring did stop long enough for me to go to sleep. The next morning, he had no idea what had happened until I confessed.

Snaking Out Of That Argument

Fights/Breakups, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | November 8, 2018


(My husband and I are in a heated argument.)

Me: *at a volume of 11* “You are so inconsiderate. Acknowledge my feelings. You’re acting like an a**hole.”

Husband: “You know, one time I removed a pair of mating snakes from under the deck because I knew it would freak you out. That was pretty considerate of me.”

Me: “Really? Well, that was nice of you. Poor snakes, breaking up their sexy party.”

(We both laughed and that was that.)

Nibbling On The Golden Years

Cafe, Golden Years, Scotland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | November 6, 2018


(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)

Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”

Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”

Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”

Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”

Not A Top-Heavy Romance

home, Love/Romance, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 4, 2018


(My husband and I are cuddling in bed, topless. He starts talking to me very tenderly and sweetly.)

Husband: “Never leave me.”

Me: “I would be the biggest fool in the world if I did.”

Husband: “Be with me forever, darling.”

Me: *kissing him* “Of course I will.”

Husband: “And never… never… put your shirt back on.”

(I cracked up. So much for the sweet, romantic mood!)

This Relationship Has Turned Sour (Milk)

Australia, Brisbane, Harassment, home, Jerk, Queensland | Romantic | November 2, 2018


(I have been dating my boyfriend for two years when our milkman asks me out. He and I are close to the same age, and he’s been delivering our milk for years.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I have a boyfriend.”

(A couple of weeks later he tries again.)

Milkman: “Hey. I spoke to your ‘boyfriend’ and he said it was all right for you to go out with me.”

Me: “What the h***? You really think I’m going to stuff up a two-year-long relationship on that?”

(He starts dating my best friend for a few months. She dumps him because he’s too clingy, telling me that I was lucky to avoid that. A couple of years later I get married and am back at my mother’s place for visit when he arrives to deliver the milk.)

Milkman: “Hey, [My Name]. Where have you been?”

Me: “I got married.”

Milkman: “Oh… How is it?”

Me: “Well, I’m back here”

Milkman: “Oh, how about you and I…”

Me: “I’m joking; I’m just here for a visit.”

Milkman: “Oh…”

Marriage Is A Sauce Of New Foods

Food & Drink, home, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 31, 2018


(My husband was not a very adventurous eater before we met, and his mom was not much on cooking. I discovered this when we were dating and I would cook dinners for us. Here are some of my favorite exchanges we’ve had.)

Husband: “What’s wrong with this apple?”

Me: “Nothing?”

Husband: “But it’s pink. Apples are only red or green.”

(It’s a pink lady apple, but he didn’t know there were more than red delicious or Granny Smith! Another time, while eating a stir fry with a peanut sauce…)

Husband: “This is good. Can I see the bottle the sauce came in so I can buy some?”

Me: “It didn’t come in a bottle, but I can give you the recipe.”

Husband: “You made this? I didn’t know a regular person could make a sauce.”

(Another time, while eating some mixed vegetables…)

Husband: “These green beans taste a little funny.”

Me: “That’s because they’re asparagus

When Sleeping On The Job Means Not Sleeping On The Job

Health & Body, home, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 29, 2018


(I suffer from a fatigue disorder which has only within a couple of years begun to be managed by medication. I hate napping, because if I nap for more than an hour, I can’t sleep at all the next night, and napping for less than an hour gives me a migraine. Thankfully I haven’t gotten tired enough to nap since starting the medication. It is also important to note that my wife usually has to push to get me to leave the house for work and school, as I am a massive shut-in.)

Me: “I’m not feeling well.”

Wife: “That’s okay. We have nowhere to go. Just take it easy.”

(A couple of hours later, I end up taking a nap for four hours.)

Me: “I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can go to college tomorrow.”

Wife: *uncharacteristicall y agreeable for this subject* “Okay, hun, go ahead and take the day off.”

Me: “What? No argument about my obligations?”

Wife: “If you’re sick enough to decide to take a nap, and you sleep through the night tonight, I’ll be able to tell you’re actually sick as opposed to having anxiety issues. It’s pretty simple.”

Looking For Par’Mach In All The Right Places

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Silly, UK | Romantic | October 27, 2018


Me: “What do you want to do?”

Boyfriend: “It’s nice outside. Let’s close the blinds and pretend we don’t know.”

(We then watched Star Trek all night.)

Hard To Love A Morning Person

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, Uruguay | Romantic | October 25, 2018


(I am chatting with my girlfriend while she’s in her psychology class.)

Girlfriend: “According to Freud, being in love is loving yourself, projected onto an object.”

Me: “Well, in that case, I love myself a lot.”

(I expect her to reply the same, but instead:)

Girlfriend: “In my case, it depends of the mood I get up with. I don’t love myself very much.”

Me: “…”

You’re Being Pun-ished

home, New Zealand, Punny, Spouses & Partners, Wellington | Romantic | October 23, 2018


(Every weekday, my partner and I drive home from work together. I tend to get out and check the mail, as our mailbox isn’t that waterproof. This occurs on a rather rainy day, when I’ve just bragged about winning a pun war with some friends.)

Me: “I have another one! What kind of tree does a scientist grow? A chemis-tree!” *bursts out laughing*

Partner: “Wow, that’s pretty bad.”

(We pull up to the driveway.)

Partner: “Hey, are you going to get out today?”

Me: “It’s raining, so I—”

Partner: “Because you should.”

Me: “Too many puns?”

Partner: “Out.”

Me: “Aw, man.”

She Is Your True Call Of Duty

Engaged, Games, home, Silly, The Netherlands | Romantic | October 21, 2018


(My fiancé, while loving and caring, is not big on verbal declarations of love and affection. He is playing an FPS game and just lost a timed mission with a margin of two seconds.)

Fiancé: “I hate my life!”

Me: “But I’m in your life!”

Fiancé: “I hate my life a little bit less now!”

A Storybook Romance

Awesome, Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Proposal, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2018


(I’ve dated guys, not a lot, but enough to make me wary of being geeky or showing how much I like to read. When I say I like to read, I mean I have over a thousand books and am constantly buying more. A lot of the guys I’ve dated have told me that I should downsize my books because they don’t really want to date a girl who reads. I have been in a solid long-distance relationship for about eight months now with this guy who is really just the best thing that ever happened to me. We are discussing the fact of my lease running out in about two months and if it would be better for me to extend my lease for six months or not.)

Me: “Well, it might be better for me to do that, so that I can find a place I like better, maybe with more storage space. Though I just hate the idea of moving… so many trips to the truck and up and down the stairs… It’s horrible.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, those stairs will be killer for sure.”

Me: “I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “O…kay?”

Me: “I know that’s where your mind was going, because everyone tells me that, but I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “Did I ask you to? Did I say, ‘[My Name] I want you to be unhappy, dull, and boring; please give up the thing that makes your eyes sparkle and makes you laugh.’? Did I say I want you to stop being you?”

Me: *now embarrassed* “Well, no, but—”

Boyfriend: “No, listen. Does this make you happy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “Do you pay all your bills on time with money left over? Do you feel joy at your collection? Do you read them?”

Me: “Yes, to all of those.”

Boyfriend: “Then why on earth would I tell you to get rid of them? In fact, I think you need another book, just to get rid of this mindset that people want you to be unhappy! Get your shoes, woman; we are going to the bookstore!”

Me: *teary eyed* “I think I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

(Yes, we did end up getting a book at the bookstore. He ended up proposing that night, and I accepted!)

The Church Is Hangry

Church, Engaged, Language & Words, Poland | Romantic | October 17, 2018


My boyfriend and I are a multilingual couple. My first language is English, his first language is French, and the first language that we started talking to each other in was Polish, in which we’re both semi-conversational. We’re both also studying each others’ first languages to improve our communication, and between our three languages have sort of calibrated our normal conversations.

We are planning on getting married next year, and our church requires a private interview with the priest in preparation for marriage. The priest doesn’t know either of us, and speaks English fairly well, but not perfectly, and doesn’t speak any French. Our Polish isn’t really up to the high-level vocabulary of the interviews, so it’s all in English. When we’re interviewing together, everything is fine.

When it’s my turn to interview alone, we have a few difficult moments where the priest phrases a question in a weird way or pronounces a word such that I have to ask for him to repeat it a few times for me to understand, such as, “Are you agree with the church teaching about XYZ?” But overall, it’s okay. As we end the interview, I tell the priest that my boyfriend might have a bit of difficulty understanding him if he speaks very quickly, and the priest says he’s realized that and promises to speak slowly.

I sit outside the office and wait for my boyfriend’s interview to be over. After about ten minutes, the priest opens the office door and asks me if I know another word for “permanent” in French. I tell him no, but offer my phone for Google translating. He shuts the door and the interview continues for a while.

When it’s over, my boyfriend explains that the difficulty was that he heard the question as, “Are you angry with the church teaching about marriage being permanent?”

He replied, “No.”

It took a fair amount of repetition for the priest to clear that particular question up, and I learned that my boyfriend has a lot of difficulty hearing the differences between, “agree,” “angry,” and, “hungry.”

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

Ballet, Geeks Rule, Musical Mayhem, New York, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 24, 2018


(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

It’s About The Turkey, See The Stuffing, The Potatoes Are So Mellow, I Yam What I Yam

Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | November 22, 2018


In memory of our little experiment with a different style of titles, we offer up a Thanksgiving spread of stories with absolutely normal titles. Feast upon some of our best-loved tales of the foods of Thanksgiving, including some all-time favorites!

Talking Turkey – Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Going Red About The Green – What’s the matter, pumpkin pie?

A Barrel Of Laughs – By any chance, did the writer fall in… and were they wearing green? It would explain the previous story…

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving – Fare is fair!

Pranksgiving – That’s not how a turducken works.

Not Talking Enough Turkey – He likes his turkey as dry as a martini, but hold the booze and give it to the poor server!

A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies – He likes his cookies like… Wait. Never mind.

Wasn’t Born In The Pumpkin Patch – Guess he won’t get a visit from The Great Pumpkin, either.

With Great Bacon Comes Great Responsibility – Some love it. Some hate it. Some say everything is better with bacon.

A Monster Mash Potato – We think it sounds tasty…

More Thanks-taking Than Thanksgiving – This story of turkey-grabbing mayhem is a favorite for good reason!



We give thanks for the things we have, the friends and family we love, and the end of those goofy titles. Now, let’s eat!



Tell us your tales of Thanksgiving foods. Does your feast include something unique or different? Feel free to share the recipe, too!

Getting Cross-Eyed At The Crossing

Car, Engaged, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Romantic | November 22, 2018


(My fiancé and I are in the car with my fiancé in the driver’s seat. We are heading down a long road that has at least two traffic light crossings very close together. As we are approaching the first set of lights, they turn red, but the car is not slowing down. Slightly panicked, I alert my fiancé.)

Me: *voice rising in pitch* “You’re going to run a red light, [Fiancé]!”

(He slams on the brakes and comes to a sharp halt just before the crossing, staring ahead.)

Fiancé: “That could’ve been bad.”

(I notice that on the other side of the crossing, waiting for the light to turn green, is a police car.)

Me: “I can’t believe you almost ran a red light in front of a cop! Did you not see that it was red?”

Fiancé: *sheepishly* “All I saw was green. I saw the cop car… just not the red light.”

Me: “Are you colourblind?”

(My fiancé eventually explains that he was looking ahead at the second crossing, which was green, and completely forgot about the crossing he was approaching. He was very glad I stopped him from running a red light in full view of a police car. This will make for a great story to bring up next time he criticises my driving skills.)

Need To Put More Than A Hundred Feet Between Me And You

California, Gas Station, Harassment, Los Angeles, Strangers, USA | Romantic | November 20, 2018


(My car’s gas gauge is wonky, and one time my car unexpectedly runs out of gas while on the road, around early afternoon. Luckily, traffic is sparse and I am in my neighborhood, maybe 100 feet from a gas station. I manage to park on the side of the street, fish my empty gas can out of the backseat, and walk the 100 feet across an intersection to the gas station. As I’m crouching down near one of the pumps, filling up the gas can, some dude suddenly looms right over my head. I can see his pickup truck with its door open parked right behind him; it’s obvious he’s not an employee here. It’s just as obvious that he’s not here to get gas, himself.)

Dude: “Uh… so… Um-hmm…”

(I ignore him and pretend to be terribly busy. Nothing good has EVER come to me from talking to strange men.)

Dude: *inching even closer to me* “Uhh… Um-HEM! HI! HELLO! MISS!”

(I sigh. Clearly he’s not going away.)

Me: *side-eyeing him* “Yes?”

Dude: *suggestively* “Soooo… I just saw you walking down the street with your gas can while I was driving.”

(There is a very expectant pause while he’s staring at me hard enough that it’s almost like he’s attempting hypnosis. Already knowing where this is going, I put on a sweet, condescending tone of voice and a fake smile.)

Me: “That’s great for you!”

(I immediately dropped the smile and turned away from him again. He was somewhat flustered at this, but wouldn’t you just know it – he persisted in repeatedly offering me “a ride” to my car, anyway. Shockingly, I said no. Several times over. He finally left, with extreme reluctance. I have a very high skepticism that it’s even possible he didn’t see how close my car was parked, but frankly, even if I had to walk 100 miles instead of 100 feet, I’d never have agreed to get into his truck. 100 feet! That’s how little it takes to have a creep notice you walking alone down a street and decide to follow you in his car!)

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Long Distance, Phone, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 18, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

California, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vet | Romantic | November 16, 2018


(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1 ] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2 ] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)