Slashing The Chances Of Dating An A**hole

Dating, Funny Kids, home, Pennsylvania, Sons & Daughters, USA | Romantic | February 26, 2018


(I have a coworker who’s friendly and cute, and we’ve hung out a few times unofficially. One day, I stop by his place on his day off to pick something up. He pats me on the shoulder as he walks by. His daughter, who is laying on the couch at the time, sees him do this. Once he’s out of the room, she props herself up on one arm and peers at me.)

Daughter: “Are you Daddy’s new boyfriend?”

Me: *unable to tell if this is a trap or not* “We work together.”

Daughter: “That’s not a no.”

Me: *hesitantly* “Okay, um, I don’t know yet. I guess we’re still testing the waters. He’s nice enough, so I wouldn’t object if he were interested. Would you?”

Daughter: *suspiciously* “His last boyfriend was an a**hole. Are you an a**hole?”

Me: “I… I try not to be.”

Daughter: *narrows her eyes* “You break his heart, I’ll slash your tires.”

Me: *studying her carefully* “I believe you.”

Daughter: “Smart boy.”

(With that, she lay back down as her father came back in. I officially asked him out later that week. Two years later, my tires remain un-slashed.)

Propelled Into Oddness

Car, Engaged, Silly, USA | Romantic | February 25, 2018


(My fiancé and I have just completed our first premarital counseling session and are on the drive home. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I’m not in a particularly talkative mood. It should also be noted that he’s driving my car and carrying the conversation. After a while, the car falls into an awkward silence for a few minutes, then…)

Fiancé: “Brrrr!” *making propeller noises with his mouth*

Me: *looks over at him, baffled*

Fiancé: “Your car has a propeller now.”

Me: “Uh… huh.”

Fiancé: “What? It was quiet in here!”

I Find Your Lack Of Standards… Disturbing

Geeks Rule, Military, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | February 24, 2018


(My husband is in the military and has called me to video chat. He is trying to find a show he wanted me to watch but he can’t remember the name. As he’s looking through his browser history in an effort to find it, I’m whistling snippets of different theme songs. I suddenly hear someone running, and another soldier is suddenly poking his head over my husband’s shoulder.)

Husband: *jumps* “Whoa, [Soldier]! When did you get here? If I had realized you were here, I’d have put on my headphones.”

Soldier: “I just came in to grab something.” *to me* “Was that you whistling Darth Vader’s theme?!”

Me: “Yeah, it was.”

Soldier: “That was awesome!” *to husband* “Marry her, ASAP, dude.”

Husband: *chuckles* “[Soldier], this is my wife, [My Name].”

Soldier: “Dude, you’re lucky.”

(After saying that, the soldier disappears from my line of sight.)

Me: “So… He doesn’t have very high standards, does he?”

The Butt Of Your Own Joke

Australia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 23, 2018


(My husband and I are discussing a poor behaviour our puppy is exhibiting.)

Husband: “I mean, if we don’t nip it in the butt—”

Me: “HA! Did you just say, ‘Nip it in the butt’?! It’s ‘bud.’ ‘Nip it in the bud.’”

Husband: “What?” *laughing* “No, let me finish.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, my gosh. ‘Nip it in the butt.’”

Husband: “What does ‘nip it in the bud’ even mean?”

Me: “I think it has something to do with flowers.”

Husband: *not convinced* “I think it’s ‘nip it in the butt.’”

Too Little, Way Too Late

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, home, The Netherlands | Romantic | February 22, 2018


(After seven months, I completely fall out of love with my boyfriend, and I decide to break up with him. All of this happens in a fairly calm conversation, with a few tears here and there. There is one part I will never forget, though.)

Me: “A big problem for me was that you are always late. Always. Like, guaranteed, at least ten minutes late.”

Boyfriend: “You know I can’t help it.”

Me: “You know I used to have a problem with being late, and I told you how I fixed it.”

(We had numerous conversations about this.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I know; I remember. I never tried those methods, though. I was just hoping it would get better on its own.”

Me: *shocked*

(Three days later, he forwarded an email his mother sent him in response to our break-up. She said she couldn’t believe I had called him “unreliable” and she strongly disagreed. Yeah, that’ll make me take you back.)

Never Too Late To Dump Him

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Jerk, The Netherlands, Time, Train | Romantic | February 21, 2018


(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting at least twenty minutes for him, every single time. I used to have a problem with being late, years before, so I try to talk to him about tricks and coping. Cue the day he is going to meet my parents. I am SUPER nervous. I absolutely need him to be on time for this.)

Me: “So, you know how you’re always at least ten minutes late?”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Yeah.”

Me: “We absolutely cannot miss the train when we’re going to meet my parents. So, I want you to pretend the train is leaving ten minutes earlier than it actually is, so you’ll be on time. And then, I want you to be early for that.”

Boyfriend: “Sure.”

Me: “So, we’ll treat it like a date; we’ll be 20 minutes early, have some fun at the train station, then catch the train.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *sigh of relief*

(On the day of our trip, I’m almost half an hour early for the train. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Ten minutes before the train leaves, I start texting and calling. No answer. No boyfriend. I am freaking out. Two minutes before the train leaves, he comes running.)

Me: “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer?”

Boyfriend: “Hang on. I still have to buy a train ticket.”

(I am flabbergasted. Long story short: we miss the train. I am a silent ball of rage.)

Boyfriend: “If you had bought me a ticket, we wouldn’t have missed it.”

Me: “WHY WOULD I BUY YOU A TICKET?!”

Boyfriend: “Because you should’ve known I’d be late.”

With Or Without U2

Car, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Toledo, USA | Romantic | February 20, 2018


Husband: “You don’t know who David Bowie is!”

Me: “Yeah, I do! He’s the Goblin King! Admittedly, I’ve never seen that movie.”

Husband: *scoffs*

Me: “He was a singer, too.”

Husband: “Was? He’s still a singer!”

Me: “No… He died.”

Husband: “Oh, yeah… I forgot. He didn’t seem that old. Man, I forgot the lead singer of U2 died.”

Me: “WHAT?!” *hysterical laughter*

Husband: “What?”

Me: “THAT’S BONO!

Alarm C(l)ock

home, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 19, 2018


(As I’m a compulsively early riser, my husband has asked that I wake him at six am if he hasn’t gotten up himself. I don’t hear his alarm at six, so I go up and “wake him the best way.”)

Husband: “I think I’ll just conveniently forget to set my alarm from now on!”

Husband, You Wound Me

Colorado, Fort Collins, Health & Body, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 18, 2018


(I am looking at Pinterest when I find a pin on how to do subcutaneous sutures. I am looking at it when my husband comes in, glances over my shoulder and issues the following pronouncement:)

Husband: “You don’t get to practice on me. We’ll get you a side of pork if you really want to try.”

(I have no medical background, whatsoever; I was just looking out of curiosity.)

Sick Of Your Compliments

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 17, 2018


(My husband has been sick with a fever for a few days, and I have spent the weekend taking care of him. On the second morning, I feel his forehead.)

This Marriage Is Not Dead

home, Louisiana, Pineville, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 16, 2018


(I’m listening to a movie as I’m sewing. Right as a creature in the movie lets out a blood-curdling scream, I get a video call from my husband. I answer and tell him to hang on a second while I find the remote so that I can turn off the movie. After I’ve turned off the movie, I hold up the phone to apologize and notice my husband’s horrified expression.)

Me: *sheepishly* “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! The remote was on the other side of the room.”

Husband: *wide-eyed* “What was that god-awful sound?”

Me: “It was one of the creatures on Evil Dead II. I figured since [Son] is asleep I’d watch something that wasn’t a kids’ movie or show.”

Husband: *visibly relieved* “Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought I called you while you were in the middle of murdering someone!” *pause* “For the record, if you had been, I’d have just hung up and called back when it was more convenient.”

Me: *laughs* “You wouldn’t have tried to contact the proper authorities?”

Husband: *scoffs* “No. But I might have given you a few suggestions of who to off next.”

Unhappy Annibirthentine’s Day

Canada, Coworkers, Holidays, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Manitoba, Office, Spouses & Partners, Winnipeg | Romantic | February 15, 2018


Me: “Hey, [Coworker], it’s Valentine’s Day!”

Coworker: “Not only that; it’s also my wedding anniversary.”

Me: “Aww, how romantic!”

Coworker: “And it’s my birthday!”

Me: “Wow! Your husband must be planning something really special, eh?”

Coworker: “Nope. I’m pretty sure he forgot.”

Me: *pause* “How could he possibly forget?”

Coworker: “I wonder that every year.”

Valentine’s Crimes

Argentina, Bizarre, Holidays, Neuquén, Retail, Silly | Romantic | February 14, 2018


(It’s Valentine’s Day, and although it’s not really celebrated in my country, we have a few things for the occasion. A young man comes running in, panting like crazy.)

Customer: “I need that teddy bear!” *points to a bear with a big heart on his chest* “And that balloon!” *a giant heart with “I love you” written on it*

Me: “Sure. It will be [amount].”

Customer: “Do you have chocolates?!”

Me: “Yes, I can recommend [Brand] that comes with a little love poem inside.”

Customer: “Yes, give me two.”

(I gather everything and put it in a red and pink bag. He pays and runs off like he’s being chased by the devil. My boss has been watching in silence until this moment.)

Boss: “Do you think he just forgot or that he needs to repent for some sins?”

Me: “I don’t want to know.”

You Have Many Grave Concerns, But This Won’t Be One Of Them

Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Exes/Old Flames, Holidays, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Punny, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Romantic | February 13, 2018


(My friend is the maître d’ at a high-end restaurant. Reservations are always needed for dinner, but on holidays they can book weeks in advance. It is Valentine’s Day, and he has been fully booked for over a month. As you can imagine, people try to break rules to get a seat. This is the case when a man and woman arrive.)

Man: “You should have a reservation for two under ‘Graves.'”

Maître D’: “I don’t have any open reservations. What was the first name?”

Man: *sigh* “Abigail Graves.”

Maître D’: “Excuse me for a moment while I check.”

(My friend is confused at this point, because there is, in fact, a reservation under the name; however, he has already seated them ten minutes before, and the seated woman has given him the correct code from the reservation app. He decides to check with the seated Abigail. She is a visibly pregnant woman who is sitting with an older woman.)

Maître D’: “Excuse me for bothering you, but a couple has arrived claiming to be under your reservation.”

(At this point, the pregnant woman starts to cry and the older woman looks furious.)

Older Woman: “The nerve of him! He probably has her with him.”

Abigail: “Grandma! Please! Look. Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another woman. He’s been making my life miserable because I left him. He won’t let me come get my dog, and he has been following me. I can’t believe he is here. He fought with me when I made the reservation. If you seat him, I can’t look at him. I’ll have to leave… I…”

Maître D’: “Miss, please don’t worry. I will handle the situation. You and your grandmother just have a lovely Valentine’s dinner.”

(The owner sees the woman crying, and asks what the situation is. My friend quickly fills him in, and the owner says he wants to handle this personally. As they are walking back towards the door, the owner pauses.)

Owner: “What name was the reservation under?”

Maître D’: “Graves.”

Owner: *grinning ear to ear* “That’s what I thought.”

(They get to the rather peeved-looking man and woman a moment later.)

Owner: “I’d like you to know that I looked at the reservations. This restaurant doesn’t have any spare ‘Graves’ to seat you in. However, cheating on a pregnant woman means you deserve to be lying in one. Show yourself out.”

Man: “You have some nerve.”

Owner: “No? Okay, [Security Staff], escort them out.” *to Maître D’* “Please comp her meal. It’s not every day I can threaten someone using puns.”

Valentine’s Pay

Employees, Friends, Holidays, Non-Dialogue, Restaurant, San Antonio, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 12, 2018


Several years ago, a friend and his wife invited my wife and me to dinner at a very nice local restaurant. The two of them had visited the restaurant several times previously, and they were pleased with both the food and the price. This time, the reservations happened to be on Valentine’s Day.

We arrived at the restaurant in good time. We were a bit surprised that there were more empty tables than we expected. We were seated, and read the menus. The offerings were their standard meals, but the menu itself had, “Valentine’s Day Specials,” printed on it. The prices were four times the usual amount, too! We asked the waiter why the prices were higher than usual, and he said something like, “Well, it is Valentine’s Day, and you should be giving your ladies something special!”

We decided not to pay the highly-inflated prices, and got up to leave. A customer at an adjoining table looked at us, then spoke up and said, “I wish I had done that, too!”

Come As You Are, In A Shirt

California, Los Angeles, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2018


(My husband and I decide to go out for breakfast, and this conversation happens while we’re seated outside, waiting for our food.)

Husband: “I can’t believe it. That kid was born at least a decade after Kurt’s death, and here he is, walking around in a Nirvana shirt. It’s absolutely shameful. He’s probably wearing that because he thinks it’s all retro and whatnot.”

(I let him dig himself as deep as he will go. As soon as his rant is over, I ask him a simple question.)

Me: “So, who’s that on your shirt, again? And when did he die?”

(He was wearing a Che Guevara shirt. He died 20 years before my husband was born.)

And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

California, Food & Drink, home, San Jose, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 10, 2018


(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

Groping For A Verb

home, Illinois, Language & Words, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 9, 2018


(In the midst of the spate of sexual harassment stories in the media, my wife puts down the newspaper with a grunt and a sigh.)

Me: “Do I grope you or do I fondle you?”

Wife: “Both, sometimes.”

Me: “What’s the difference? Because I thought I had been gently fondling you for 42 years.”

Wife: “Groping is when I don’t want to be fondled.”

Me: “…”

Wife: “Shut up.”

Warming Up To This Chivalry Thing

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Dating, Illinois, Parents/Guardians, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 8, 2018


(The day before New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend and I go out to dinner with my parents. Our area happens to be in the middle of a vicious cold front. As we are leaving, my boyfriend stops me in the lobby of the restaurant, and asks me to wait there while he goes out to bring the car around for me. At this point, my dad goes to leave, but turns back at the door when he notices that my mom isn’t following. She gives him a very pointed smile.)

Dad: *sighs heavily* “I guess I’ll go warm up the car and bring it around for you.”

(After he leaves, my mom turns to me and says:)

Mom: “You have such a nice boyfriend.”

Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Georgia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”

Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Georgia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”

We’ll Always Have The Thought Of Paris

Book Store, Flirting, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | February 6, 2018


(I am about eight months pregnant. I’m carrying small, and from the back, if you can’t see my belly, I don’t look pregnant at all. Plus, my body is giving me a pregnancy advantage: cleavage. To top it all off, my hair and skin have never looked better. I’m sitting behind my desk, working Friday evening store hours, when another bookstore owner, who is also a customer of ours, comes in. I haven’t met him before, but my store owner tells me he’s recently divorced — and a big flirt, which is one of the things that led to his divorce.)

Customer: “I’m going to fly to Paris next weekend!”

Me: “That sounds terrific! Have a wonderful time.”

Customer: “Have you ever been to Paris?”

Me: “No, I haven’t.”

Customer: “You should come to Paris with me! I’ve been several times. I’ll show you all the sights! It’s a beautiful city; very romantic. We’ll have a fabulous time.” *sits on the front edge of my desk, leaning in suggestively*

Me: “Oh, I don’t think so. My doctor says it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to fly. I’m not even able to go to Israel later this month with my husband.”

(I push my chair back to get some space from him and stand up.)

Customer: *awkward pause, and then turns to my boss* “Are the bindings still up on the second floor?”

He’s Got Nothing Going On

Coffee Shop, Florida, Harassment, Jerk, Tampa, USA | Romantic | February 5, 2018


(I’m in line at a coffee shop. I don’t typically like much more than basic iced coffee, but it’s been a crappy week, so I decide to treat myself to a blended, iced mocha drink. As I’m waiting for my drink, the guy who was behind me in line is looking me up and down with a smirk, standing entirely too close given we are the only two people there and don’t know one another. When I make eye contact with him, he grins and raises an eyebrow, gesturing to encompass my body.)

Jerk: “You know, if you start drinking stuff like that, you’re going to ruin everything you’ve got going on.”

(I just stared at him for a second, rolled my eyes, and turned away until my drink was called. As I walked off, I heard him call me a “rude b****.” I’m not sure how me deciding not to respond to his unsolicited commentary about my body was ruder than him offering it in the first place, but oh, well. I guess that’s a pretty basic rude b**** thing to wonder. If only I’d opened myself up to his wisdom!)

Treated Sub-Standard By The Sub-Conscious

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Physical, Silly, USA | Romantic | February 4, 2018


(This is a story that is related to me, as I have no memory of it. I have to get up for work at 3:00 am and, because of that, I go to bed a lot earlier than my boyfriend. He comes to bed at his normal time and cuddles me. I take his hand and kiss his palm and then down his wrist. He takes this to mean I’m interested in doing more than just sleeping and starts to kiss my neck. I then kick him hard in the shin and wrap all of the blankets around me.)

Boyfriend: “Jesus! You didn’t have to kick me!”

Me: “I love you more when you’re sleeping!” *I then take his pillow and cuddle it and won’t give it back*

(I woke up to find him not in bed. I was indeed cuddling his pillow. When I went looking for him, I found him sleeping on the couch. Seven years later, we still lovingly tell each other, “I love you more when you’re sleeping.”)

A Tall Drink And A Taller Order

Alcohol, Bad Behavior, Bar, Harassment, Restaurant, Strangers, USA | Romantic | February 3, 2018


(In college, some friends and I often go to lounge-type restaurant that switches over to being a bar after 9:00 pm. They also offer free dance lessons — salsa, bachata, etc. — each month, and those nights are always packed. One evening, my friend and I, both women, take a break from dancing to get a drink. We’re waiting at the bar for our orders when a very intoxicated woman pushes between us.)

Random Woman: “Heyyyy!”

Me: “Um… hi?”

Random Woman: *slurring* “You wanna buy me a drink?”

Me: *thinking the bartender has probably cut her off and she’s trying to get around it* “I’m sorry. I think maybe you’ve had enough.”

Random Woman: “Aww! Come on!” *throws her arm tightly around my neck*

Me: *trying to pull away* “Please let go. I don’t know you.”

Random Woman: “Well, you could! We could get to know each other. We could have a lot of fun together…” *leans closer and rubs her thumb against her fingers in the “money/cost” gesture* “But only for 40 bucks!”

Me: *finally gets her arm off my neck* “Okay, you have a good night, now. Bye.”

(I grab my friend, who has both of our drinks, and we go back to our table.)

Friend: “What happened over there?”

Me: “Either that lady was just super drunk, or she was super drunk and also a hooker.”

Not So Happy Hunting

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Illinois, Outdoors, Phone, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2018


(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though

Not So Happy Hunting

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Illinois, Outdoors, Phone, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2018


(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though

An Assault On Decency

Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Restaurant, UK | Romantic | February 1, 2018


(I work on the registers of a fast food restaurant. It isn’t too busy and an elderly gentleman approaches the counter. I am cleaning the ice cream machine, so I assume my coworker will tend to him.)

Gentleman: “Excuse me, miss. Could you tell me what’s on that menu?”

(I hear a sigh and nothing else.)

Gentleman: “Umm, miss?”

(I turn around and see my coworker is on her phone. It looks like she is deliberately ignoring him, which I find very disrespectful. I decide to tend to him, instead. I read out most of the menu and he selects two meals. My coworker has been giving me horrible side-eye the entire time, while still on her phone. As his food is being prepared, an elderly woman comes out of the toilets with a walker for support. She comes to the counter, and she and the gentleman kiss and make small talk, mainly about how he left his glasses in the car. They take their food and leave.)

Me: “[Coworker], using your phone at work isn’t allowed, and why were you so rude to that man?”

Coworker: *huffs* “Wasn’t it obvious? He was trying to flirt with me!”

Me: “Umm, he must have been in his 80s. Plus, his wife was with him.”

Coworker: “How do you know?! They could have been brother and sister.”

Me: “I don’t think siblings kiss like that, at least not in public.”

(She sighed again and went to speak to the manager. I was later called to the office, where the manager said my coworker claimed I tried to downplay a man viciously trying to sexually assault her, and then shame her into feeling guilty for it. He played the footage of the entire event back to he, with audio, and then laughed her out of the building. She didn’t turn up for work the week after, so she was promptly fired. It doesn’t stop there, though. We got an audit from Human Resources about a claim of sexual harassment on the date the couple were in. My manager showed them the footage and took a couple of statements. They were only here about ten minutes. We get longer inspections if someone forgets to wear a plaster after cutting themselves.)

Nobody Nose It Like Men

home, Movies & TV, Parents/Guardians, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 31, 2018


(My parents and I are watching the movie “Frozen” on DVD. We reach this scene:)

Kristoff: “What if you hate the way he picks his nose?”

Anna: “Picks his nose?”

Kristoff: “And eats it.”

Anna: “Excuse me, sir. He is a prince.”

Kristoff: “All men do it.”

(My mom accuses my dad playfully.)

Mom: “Do you?”

(My dad doesn’t respond. My mom repeats the question several times, more and more seriously and surprised.)

Dad: “Just drop it, okay?”

(I guess that line is more accurate than most people expected!)

Many Bothans Died To Bring Us This Inquisition

Games, Geeks Rule, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 30, 2018


(My husband is playing a video game, where you can start your own player guilds. He has just picked out a name for his group.)

Husband: “I’ve created the Bothan Inquisition!”

Me: “We just woke up. How did you manage to create an inquisition?”

Husband: “I wasn’t paying attention and I accidentally got political again.”

Another Typical Airport Romance

Airport, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Extra Stupid, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and she has been pestering me to come with her to London and visit her family during holiday. I’ve done the same, and we’ve been teasing each other to visit our respective families this holidays after we each go home for a few days. We’re both in our second year of university.)

Me: “Hey, babe, I’ve just arrived at the airport. I’ll meet you at baggage!”

Girlfriend: “Yay, I can’t wait!”

(What seems like a half hour goes by.)

Me: “Yo, I just got my bag. Are you parking the car, or…”

Girlfriend: “Uhh, what’re you on about? I just got my bag!”

(I am confused, but suddenly realize what has happened!)

Me: “Oh, my word, babe. Are you in Indiana right now?!”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, why is that so shoc– OH, NO!”

Me: “Yup, I’m in England. We definitely fudged our surprises up, huh?”

Girlfriend: “You’ve said it. I’ll head back ASAP. Love you!”

Me: “Back at you!”

Girlfriend: *complete and utter silence*

Me: “Only kidding. I love you, too, gorgeous. I’ll see you soon. Just look for the American waiting for you with the expensive gift!”

Girlfriend: “Can’t wait!

(I spent the next few hours scouring the airport for a gift. I ended up greeting her with a pair of earbuds and some candy. We’re meant to be married next month. This happened last Christmas!)

A Non-Affair To Remember

Australia, Book Store, Harassment, South Australia | Romantic | January 27, 2018


(I am a 30-year-old female. A male customer, some 15 to 20 years older than me, has been hitting on me and I have politely turned him down. A week later he comes back in to pick up a book he’d ordered.)

Customer: “I wasn’t asking you to marry me and have my children. I just thought you might like to be my mistress!”

It’s Gonna Be A Long And Lonely Christmas Without Me

Friends, home, Indiana, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 26, 2018


(My husband and I are going through our ornaments and picking the ones that we would like to put on the Christmas tree.)

Me: *holds up a personalized ornament from when I was younger* “Look! This one says ‘Best Friends Forever’ but only has my name on it!”

Husband: “You are an introvert. You are your own best friend!”

A Lighter Side To This Story

Engaged, home, Silly, St Louis, USA | Romantic | January 25, 2018


(My fiancé has bought my Christmas present, and can’t resist giving me a hint.)

Fiancé: “You’ll take it everywhere, and everyone will want to use it.”

Me: *joking* “Is it a handkerchief?”

Fiancé: “No.”

Me: “Is it a lighter?”

Fiancé: *looks shifty* “No…”

Me: “Is it the Zippo we saw with the American flag on it?”

Fiancé: “D*** it.” *goes into the other room, comes back, and hands me the lighter with a crestfallen and annoyed look on this face* “Now I have to think of a new present.”

(There have been no more guessing games or hints about presents. Also, I’m not allowed to have lighter fluid for it until after Christmas!)

A Lack Of Blood To The Brain

Blood Donation, Coworkers, Reception, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2018


(I volunteer at the Red Cross reception desk one morning each week. The job’s not very difficult; mostly I just answer the phone and direct prospective donors to the blood services section elsewhere in the building. One morning a tall, beefy guy comes loping down the hall and stops in front of my desk.)

Guy: “Well, I’m done donating blood!”

Me: “You’re a great American. Hey, do you have any money?”

Guy: “Nope, sorry.

Me: *making my voice mock-whiny* “Not even five bucks? I want to take myself out to lunch after my shift ends!”

Guy: “You’re out of luck.” *jokingly* “You’ll have to settle for a kiss.”

(He leans over the counter and kisses me on the forehead. I hear a sharp intake of breath, turn around, and see our volunteer coordinator standing behind me with a horrified expression on her face.)

Me: “Oops. [Volunteer Coordinator], I don’t think you’ve ever met my husband.”

Daddy Issues: The Holiday Special

home, In-Laws, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2018


(It’s Christmas Day, and my husband and I have just had his parents over for the morning. My husband’s father has already made several racist remarks — something he is quite prone to — and then makes it worse by going on and on about how he’s “not a racist.” This is a point of contention between my father-in-law and me, and unfortunately for everyone involved, he and I do not get along very well. My in-laws finally leave and my husband and I are both relieved.)

Husband: “I’m so sorry about him. I’m sorry that he is such a jerk and that he doesn’t realize what an amazing daughter-in-law he has. Thank you for marrying me and for staying with me.”

Me: “Honey, you are not your father. I love you. I would take a hundred [Father-In-Law]s for your sake.”

Husband: “And I could visit you every week in the psychiatric hospital!”

A Dollar For A Priceless Moment

Maine, Money, Retail, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 22, 2018


(This is a memory of my husband, as he has since passed in July. I remember how whenever we went together into a store, we always came out with over $100 worth of items. If I went in alone, it was half of that. I used to pick on him about it, banning him from going in with me. We have a new dollar store open up in the town we shop in, and we decide to go, and this happens.)

Me: “Okay, now, we are going into the dollar store. There is no way in hell you can spend over $100 in this d*** place.”

Husband: “Shouldn’t.”

(We go in and do our shopping, and lo and behold, our total is over $100. We get back out to the truck. I put our daughter in her car seat then get in the front, crossing my arms and staring at my husband. He just starts laughing.)

Me: “You’re banned from [Dollar Store]. How the h*** did you do that?!”

Husband: “I don’t know!”

Me: “I can’t take you anywhere.”

(There is a new dollar store opening up, and to be honest, I’ll miss banning him from that one.)

What A Sheety Thing To Do

home, Parents/Guardians, Seattle, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Washington | Romantic | January 21, 2018


(I’m sitting on my bed when my dad sits next to me.)

Dad: “When your mother gave birth to you, do you want to know the first thing she said to me?”

Me: “No?”

Dad: *continuing anyway* “She said, ‘CHANGE THE SHEETS, YOU B******; I’M BIRTHING YOUR CHILD!’”

Mom: *from the next room* “And what did we come home to? Dirty sheets! That’s what!”

Should Be Your Blanket Response To Most Decisions

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, New York, Silly, USA |
Romantic | January 20, 2018

(In the morning:)

Girlfriend: “I was cold last night.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “Because you took all the blankets.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you take them back?”

Girlfriend: “Because I would have woken you up.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, then, you made your choice.”

The Many Friendly Adventures Of The Lustful Lamia

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, Flirting, home, Illinois, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2018


(My sex drive is considerably higher than my boyfriend’s, which isn’t usually a problem, except occasionally when he’ll worry that he’s pressuring me into sex, which at least with me, is virtually never the case. We’re talking about this at one point.)

Me: “With me, you can basically assume that if you want sex, I’ll also be down for it, and on the one-in-a-thousand chance that I’m not, I’ll just let you know. I’m like a siren, except less likely to lure you in and drown you.”

Boyfriend: “Are sirens known for being lustful? I thought they were mostly about the drownings.”

Me: “Hmm. A succubus then? Or a lamia, except less likely to steal your body heat?”

Boyfriend: “Now that’s a total lie; you steal my body heat constantly! We go to sleep, and you’re like, ‘Mmmm, come here; you’re so warm,’ and then I feel your icy feet!'”

Me: “Okay, we’ve found it. I’m a lustful lamia, except more likely to annoy you with cold feet than to freeze you to death!”

(A year later, he still uses “lamia” as a pet name. It very much amuses me!)