Behaving Fairly Fairy

Awesome, Comeuppance, Harassment, Holidays, Non-Dialogue, North Carolina, Party, USA | Romantic | November 17, 2017


Some friends and I are at a party over Halloween weekend. One of them is dressed as the Good Fairy and carries a wand which is handmade of pretty thick wood, painted, with a star and glitter. She’s also a bit of a goody two-shoes, and every time someone swears she’ll tap them on the head with her wand and say, “The Good Fairy doesn’t like that!”

As the night goes on, people get progressively drunker, and a guy none of us knows has been bugging her for a while. We’re trying to get away from him when he grabs her breasts from behind. She swings around and smacks him in the face with the wand so hard she breaks it in half. “THE GOOD FAIRY DOESN’T LIKE THAT!”

He got kicked out.

When A Ferret Becomes A Weasel

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Geeks Rule, home, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque, Silly, Sweden, Uppsala | Romantic | November 16, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are watching the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter series. It’s my boyfriend’s first time watching it. In this movie, a teacher transforms a student into a ferret, a fun and memorable scene, concluded with another teacher running up and asking, “Is… Is that a student?” A short while later, there’s a scene depicting a big school dance, where the teacher who transformed the student sits in a corner with something on his lap.)

Boyfriend: “Wait. Pause. What’s that in his lap?”

Me: “That’s… Oh, haha, it’s a ferret!”

Boyfriend: “Is… Is that a student?”

Me: *rolling with laughter*

Boyfriend: “…on his groin?!”

Zombie Weddings: It’s The Next Big Thing

Australia, home, Jerk, Queensland, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | November 15, 2017


(My hubby and I are watching a family on on [Video Website]. They’re vlogging at their sister’s wedding. The vlogger is dancing with his sister during the father-daughter dance.)

Husband: “Why is he doing that?”

Me: “He walked her down the aisle.”

Husband: “Oh. One of those types of fathers?”

Me: “What?”

Husband: “The type of father that doesn’t come to their daughter’s wedding.”

Me: “I think the father is dead.”

Husband: “Oh, okay! That’s a good excuse.”

We Don’t Sell Dating Simulators

Harassment, New Jersey, Strangers, USA, Video Game Store | Romantic | November 14, 2017


(I work at a video game store. As a female employee, I’m unfortunately used to being hit on by customers while working. I approach a pair of customers on the floor: a young guy around my age and a much older man. When I ask if they need help, the older man is very friendly and strikes up a lengthy conversation with me about games he used to play. It is a pretty pleasant interaction until this moment:)

Customer: “Wow, you really know your stuff! Any chance you’re free this weekend? My son could use a date!”

(I awkwardly tried to laugh it off, while the poor son didn’t even look

Fuzzy On The Definition

home, Language & Words, Ohio, Spouses & Partners, Toledo, USA | Romantic | November 13, 2017


(My husband and I are relaxing on a couch, individually looking at our phones. I’m absentmindedly running my hand over my scalp; I’ve recently gotten my hair trimmed almost buzz-cut short.)

Me: “I like it when my head is fuzzy.”

Husband: “Well, I don’t.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Husband: “I mean, I don’t really have a reason for it.” *sees my hurt look* “I mean, it’s not good when you’re having that weird, dizzy feeling, so I’m not sure why you’re so…”

Me: “Wait. Did you think… I meant my hair!”

Husband: “Oh! Be clearer next time!”

This Pregnancy Thing Is Beginning To Stick

California, Health & Body, home, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 12, 2017


(I have just taken a pregnancy test and discovered that I am not expecting. My husband and I are now heading out to the car to go about our day. In the elevator, my shoes make noise.)

Husband: “Did you step in something sticky?”

Me: “No, there’s just something on the floor.”

(I am amused by the sticky noises and start dancing in place, making lots of them. Then I start laughing.)

Me: “Are you sure I’m not pregnant?”

Husband: “I’m sure you’re not mature enough to be pregnant!”

Boo And Boo-Two, Too

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Funny Names, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 11, 2017


(I’ve fallen into the bad habit of calling both my boyfriend and my cat ‘Boo,’ which leads to confusion such as this.)

Me: *to the cat* “Hey, boo!”

Boyfriend: “Are you talking to me, or to the cat?”

Cat: “Meow!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that answers that question

Boo And Boo-Two, Too

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Funny Names, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 11, 2017


(I’ve fallen into the bad habit of calling both my boyfriend and my cat ‘Boo,’ which leads to confusion such as this.)

Me: *to the cat* “Hey, boo!”

Boyfriend: “Are you talking to me, or to the cat?”

Cat: “Meow!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that answers that question

It’s Not Going Swimmingly

Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Health & Body, home, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | November 10, 2017


(My husband and I have just started to try to conceive, instead of just leaving it to luck or chance. After an intimate night, he asks me to position myself so that gravity isn’t working against us. I ask that he at least hand me my phone so that I have some entertainment until I get up.)

Me: “Please, it’s just right there by you. I would have to get up to get it myself.”

Husband: “No. No distractions. I need you to completely focus on telling those swimmers to get you pregnant.”

Me: *sigh* “That’s not how it works.”

Boo And Boo-Two, Too

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Funny Names, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 11, 2017


(I’ve fallen into the bad habit of calling both my boyfriend and my cat ‘Boo,’ which leads to confusion such as this.)

Me: *to the cat* “Hey, boo!”

Boyfriend: “Are you talking to me, or to the cat?”

Cat: “Meow!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that answers that question.”

It’s Not Going Swimmingly

Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Health & Body, home, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | November 10, 2017


(My husband and I have just started to try to conceive, instead of just leaving it to luck or chance. After an intimate night, he asks me to position myself so that gravity isn’t working against us. I ask that he at least hand me my phone so that I have some entertainment until I get up.)

Me: “Please, it’s just right there by you. I would have to get up to get it myself.”

Husband: “No. No distractions. I need you to completely focus on telling those swimmers to get you pregnant.”

Me: *sigh* “That’s not how it works

Seems To Think Fifty No’s Means A Yes

Bad Behavior, College & University, Connecticut, Criminal & Illegal, Harassment, USA, Wild & Unruly | Romantic | November 9, 2017


(My sister’s a very sweet girl who naturally smiles as she talks, and so she tends to make friends easily, but it also causes the following to occur during her second year of college. My sister enters a classroom and sits down at one of the nearest empty seats to the door.)

Guy: “Hi, I’m [Guy].”

Sister: “Nice to meet you. I’m [Sister]. It’s really nice to meet you.”

(The class then starts and she doesn’t interact with the guy for the rest of the class. When class is over, and my sister starts to get up to leave, the guy grabs her arm.)

Guy: “Hey, are you free now? Let’s go for lunch.”

Sister: *tries to tug her arm away* “Sorry. I have another class to go to, and I’m not really interested. Sorry.”

Guy: *angrily gets in her face, still holding her arm* “Come on! You came and sat down with me, so clearly, you’re interested in me! You can’t lead a guy on like that, you slut!”

Sister: *practically rips her arm out of his grip* “I only sat next to you because it was the closest seat to the door that was free! And I literally only said hi to you and introduced myself, so I didn’t exactly lead you on. Don’t touch me ever again.” *proceeds to run out of the classroom*

(Unfortunately, he continued to have an interest in my sister. He went so far as to follow her to her next class and attempt to enter the classroom after her, and then sat outside her classroom after she convinced her professor to kick him out. When she saw him outside the room, she grabbed the nearest guy’s arm and asked him to pretend they were dating. The only bright sides from this were that he was eventually kicked out of the university for doing this with other female students, and that my sister and the guy she pretended to date became good friends after that incident.)

Messy In More Ways Than One

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Health & Body, home, Silly, The Netherlands | Romantic | November 8, 2017


(I have a sore throat and just started my period. My boyfriend is off to the store to get me some supplies. I ask him to bring some honey for my sore throat, but he doesn’t write that on his list so I half-assume he will forget, as he tends to be quite forgetful. I hear him come home so I go downstairs to the kitchen, and see he has brought the honey.)

Me: “Oh, fantastic, you remembered!”

(Due to hormones, my gratitude is unbelievable and I start to tear up. My boyfriend then proceeds to conjure a HUGE chocolate bar from the grocery bag, holds it to my crotch and yells:)

Boyfriend: “SATAN HAS BEEN FED!”

(The humor and overwhelming gratitude, amplified by my period, get the best of me, and I start sobbing hysterically and smothering my boyfriend in the tightest hug.)

Me: *sobbing like crazy* “TH…TH…TH… THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend: *is genuinely TERRIFIED and stutters* “Wha… what did I do? Wrong flavor?”

Me: *still sobbing* “I LOVE YOU!”

(He carefully tried to pry himself free of my smothering embrace, seriously concerned about what was wrong with me. I finally calmed down and blamed it on the hormones. Now, every time the topic of periods comes up, he mentions this story again and how scared and confused he was. “Don’t ever do that again!” he begs me.)

Let’s Vaguely Saunter Into The Sunset

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Silly, South Africa | Romantic | November 7, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are cuddled up watching TV and playfully talking about eloping. I am notoriously lazy.)

Me: “Let’s run away together!”

Boyfriend: “You realise the word ‘run’ is in there, right?”

Me: “Never mind. Let’s brisk-walk away together!”

Boyfriend: “That’s still moving, my love.”

Me: “Fine, then carry me to the car so we can drive off into the sunset… with you driving. I’ll be by your side forever! Passenger side.”

Boyfriend: *laughing and kissing my forehead* ” You’re such a romantic!”

Me: “I try.”

My Boyfriend The Arsonist

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, Extra Stupid, Phone, Safety | Romantic | November 6, 2017


(I’m on the phone with my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey.”

Boyfriend: “Hey. How are you?”

Me: “I’m good. How’re you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m— OH, S***! HANG ON A SECOND!”

Me: “What? Okay?”

Boyfriend: *after a moment* “Okay, I’m back.”

Me: “Okay? What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I started a fire.”

Me: “What? Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I put it out. It’s fine.”

Me: “What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I turned on the wrong burner and that burner had a bunch of napkins on it.”

Me: “You turned on the burner without clearing it first?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but it’s okay. I put it out.”

Me: “Are the napkins still on the stove?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Move them, right now! In fact, clear the stove top of everything you’re not heating up, right now!”

Boyfriend: “But it’s [Roommate]’s things and—”

Me: “I DON’T F****** CARE! CLEAR IT ALL OFF THE STOVE TOP, RIGHT NOW!”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I’m on it!” *after a moment* “Okay. It’s done.”

Me: “Good. It’s better to touch [Roommate]’s things without permission than to set [Roommate]’s things on fire.”

Boyfriend: “Good point.”

Pure Precious Jealousy

Adorable Children, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Dating, Grocery Store, Richmond, Silly, USA, Virginia | Romantic | November 5, 2017


(I met my husband when we both worked for a grocery store. We’ve only been dating a few months at this point, and I like to pick on him about things. A new cashier has just started, and he is around our age, but he seems young and nerdy. I think he’s cute in his awkwardness, like a child, and I mention it to my then-boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “How can you say that to me?”

Me: “What do you mean? Do you want me to lie?”

Boyfriend: “Well, no, but you don’t have to tell me, either!”

(Just then, a mother with her young son dressed in a Superman costume walks by. A coworker comes up to me.)

Coworker: “Did you see him? Wasn’t he just precious?”

Me: *eyes light up* “I know! He was so adorable!”

(My boyfriend glowers at me and turns a dark shade of red before I burst out laughing.)

Me: “We’re talking about the little boy in a costume! Did you not see him?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I didn’t. I thought you were talking about the other guy, still.”

(He finally saw how funny that was and chuckled about it. I still like to pick on him about the day he was jealous of a five-year-old.)

Deadly Pillow Talk

Anniversary, Australia, Cousins, home, New South Wales, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | November 4, 2017


(It’s our wedding anniversary and my husband’s cousin is congratulating us.)

Cousin: *to me* “I don’t know how you’ve put up with him so long. What’s the trick?”

Me: “He keeps struggling out from under the pillow.”

Husband: *nods*

Have Reached Your Mac Potential

Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, home, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | November 3, 2017


(My wife likes to make mac and cheese from scratch, but I usually make it from a box.)

Wife: “Do we have any cheese?”

Me: “I think so.”

Wife: “If we do, I’ll make mac and cheese.”

Me: “Wait, why do you need cheese for mac and cheese?”

(I caught my error, but my wife teased me for a few minutes.)

I’m Totally Coconuts About You

Dating, Geeks Rule, home, India, Kerala, Silly | Romantic | November 2, 2017


(During the early days of my courtship with my husband, we have many long conversations. We often ask each other things about ourselves. During one such talk, I tell him I like flowers, and he asks what kind. I am a nerd, and hence start on my long talk on the different kinds of flowers and their different meanings, as I like all kinds of flowers.)

Me: “Do you know that daisies stand for purity, chrysanthemums stand for fidelity…” *and so on*

Husband: “I will get you a coconut flower.”

Me: “Okay.”

Husband: “Do you know what that stands for?”

(I am stumped.)

Me: “Hmm… I don’t know.”

Husband: “It means I am willing to climb a coconut tree for you.”

Not Your Happy Place

British Columbia, Canada, home, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem, Powell River, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | November 1, 2017


Me: “You know that ‘Happy’ song that you really hate?”

Husband: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “I heard it playing somewhere when I was out running errands today. You know that part where it goes something like, ‘if you feel like a room without a roof?’”

Husband: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Well, I was thinking. A room without a roof, eh. Wouldn’t that be a cubicle?”

Not Your Happy Place

British Columbia, Canada, home, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem, Powell River, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | November 1, 2017


Me: “You know that ‘Happy’ song that you really hate?”

Husband: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “I heard it playing somewhere when I was out running errands today. You know that part where it goes something like, ‘if you feel like a room without a roof?’”

Husband: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Well, I was thinking. A room without a roof, eh. Wouldn’t that be a cubicle?”

Make Your Blood Run Cold

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Health & Body, home, Pets & Animals, Texas, USA, Waco | Romantic | October 31, 2017


(My boyfriend has a German Shepherd who, while playing at the dog park, cut his paw on something. We are looking at the injury on our bed, trying to keep the dog calm.)

Me: “Here, let me take the blanket off the bed so he doesn’t stain it.”

Boyfriend: “Thanks, babe.”

Me: “No problem. I have dealt with plenty of blood in my life, and I know how hard it is to get stains out of fabric.”

Boyfriend: *looks up at me in horror*

Me: “I menstruate.”

Boyfriend: “Oh…”

Got That Whey Wrong

Flirting, home, Language & Words, Roommates, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | October 30, 2017


(I am living with my mom, who is renting space from another woman who lives with her son. There has been some fooling around between her son and me periodically, but we’re not a couple. I’ve just run my first marathon and am resting on the couch watching movies, and he’s been texting his friends to hang out. Both of our moms are gone for the night and I’ve just gotten off the phone with my mom, talking about my marathon. This entire conversation takes place while my roommate looks at his phone.)

Roommate: *still texting* “So, how’s your mom?”

Me: “She’s fine. We just talked about my marathon and how sore I currently am. She says I need some protein and they’ll be less painful.”

Roommate: “Yeah, you need some protein. It’ll help you recover faster.”

(He’s currently standing next to the couch and his crotch is right about the same level as my face.)

Roommate: “I’ve got some protein I can give you.”

Me: *confused look* “What?”

Roommate: “Yeah, it won’t take long, and I can make it right here.”

Me: “Uh… I don’t really feel like doing that right now. I’m just really tired and sore.”

Roommate: “Seriously, it won’t take long, and it’s not that much of an inconvenience for me.”

(He finally looks away from his phone and sees my utterly confused face and notices his stance and location.)

Roommate: “Oh, my God. WHEY PROTEIN. I HAVE WHEY PROTEIN POWDER. DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU A WHEY PROTEIN SHAKE WITH MILK?”

Me: *dies laughing as he makes me a shake*

A Clumsy Attempt At Dating

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Health & Body, Hotel, Salt Lake City, Silly, USA, Utah | Romantic | October 29, 2017


(My boyfriend and I have only been dating about a month, and I’ve warned him that I am horribly clumsy and he’ll probably spend a lot of time in emergency rooms with me if we end up staying together. Somehow, in the month we’ve been dating, I’ve suddenly become coordinated enough to hide this from him, so he doesn’t believe I’m as klutzy as I claim. We are on a business trip with some colleagues in Salt Lake City when the following happens. We are standing outside a hotel waiting for a cab. It’s early December and the ballroom of the hotel is decorated beautifully for Christmas.)

Me: “Oh, wow! Look at how big that room is, and it’s so pretty!”

Boyfriend: “It really is.”

(He is standing a bit farther down the window, looking in towards the back of the room. I swing my head intensely towards the window to get a better look at the decorations, which results in me SLAMMING my forehead hard enough to bounce off the glass.)

Me: “OWWWW!”

Boyfriend: “WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!” *starts laughing*

Me: “Those are some very clean windows…”

Boyfriend: “This is what you were talking about it, wasn’t it?”

Me: “I warned you.”

Boyfriend: “This is going to be fun.”

(That was almost three years ago, and we were just recently married. I guess he decided he could handle all my injuries!)

Couldn’t Let That Fluttershy Just Flutter By

Games, home, Pennsylvania, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 28, 2017


(I’m sitting in the bedroom, listening to my husband play a video game in the next room. It’s a space flight game, and uses a “frame ship drive” to jump between star systems. Because of the voice they used for the computer, it always sounds like “friendship drive” to us. I love puns and wordplay.)

Me: “Hey, hon?”

Husband: *from next room* “Yeah?”

Me: “Your game needs its own show: My Little Spaceship: Frame Ship is Science.”

Husband: *laughs*

A TV-Perfect Wedding

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, Geeks Rule, home, Movies & TV, Silly, USA | Romantic | October 27, 2017


(There’s a TV series I’m a big fan of that features two brothers. The brothers are very different and don’t get along, and fans of this show tend to side with either one or the other. I’ve finally gotten my boyfriend to watch the show with me. I haven’t said much about my own preferences because I don’t want him to be biased, but [Brother A] is my absolute favorite character, and I’m a little worried my boyfriend will prefer [Brother B], who I think is kind of a jerk. We watch the episode that introduces [Brother B] and the conflict between the two, and I’m waiting for my boyfriend’s verdict, a little nervously.)

Boyfriend: “That was a great episode! I think [Brother B] is being kind of unfair, though. I mean, yeah, [Brother A] was being kind of irresponsible, but how was he supposed to know the portal could destroy the world when [Brother B] wrote the warnings in invisible ink? All [Brother B] said was that the secret journal had to be kept safe. That’s not much to go on, and [Brother A] was just trying to protect their family.”

(I’d been watching him with my mouth hanging open, and this was about the point when I finally just kissed him, cutting him off. This may be the man I marry

Really Hates Green

Bizarre, Ireland, Outdoors, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | October 26, 2017


(My husband and I have had some really stressful months this year and we are really at the end of our mental and emotional resources. We recently had a big fight, which mostly had to do with us both being stressed, and now we are having a relaxing day to get away from it. We are stopped at a red light, and we start to discuss a chest of drawers we want to get. When discussed before, the idea of getting a lime green one came up, but now my husband is mentioning a beige one.)

Me: “Yeah, but I really liked the idea of the green one. What do you think of the green?”

Husband: “No. NO!” *wagging his finger at me* “I said, ‘NO!’ I SAID, ‘NO!’”

(At this point I was literally thinking, “Okay, he’s completely gone crazy.” Then I realized that a windscreen washer was standing outside my window and my husband was yelling at him.)

Finally Made Her Crack

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Health & Body, home, Silly, UK | Romantic | October 25, 2017


(My boyfriend has always had a problem with me cracking my knuckles. He’s tried everything to get me to stop. On one occasion, I am about to crack my knuckles when my boyfriend grabs my hand.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “Stopping you! Every time you try to crack, I’m going to rub them until you stop!”

(He starts rubbing my knuckles, and for a few seconds he looks satisfied, until he raises my finger and it causes one of the knuckles to crack. He lets go instantly and curls up on the other end of the sofa, looking thoroughly disgusted with himself.)

Me: “Cheers, babe!”

Stupid Minds Think Alike

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, home, Silly, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | October 24, 2017


(It is our day off and my boyfriend and I each make something simple to eat for lunch. I mix salsa and sour cream together just to eat with some chips, but I unfortunately pour way too much salsa into the bowl.)

Me: *thinking to myself* “Hmm, [Boyfriend] might like to eat his pizza rolls with my salsa. Oh, don’t ask him that; what a stupid idea.”

(I leave the room for a couple of moments, and then come back and finish eating, but unfortunately end up tossing the rest of the dip.)

Boyfriend: *while I’m throwing out the salsa* “You know, while you weren’t in the room I tried my pizza rolls with your salsa, and it was really good, but I didn’t want you to see me eating it because I thought it was such a stupid idea!”

A Piercing Attack From Chauvinism

Hotel, Jerk, Medford, Oregon, USA | Romantic | October 23, 2017


(I work at a world-renowned brand of high class hotels, and most people are pretty surprised when they see me in a suit with piercings in my face — I have a nose ring and spider bites on my mouth. Most people are pretty supportive and interested, or at least polite, but then this encounter happens:)

Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you today?”

Elderly Gentleman: “What’s that in your face? Stitches? A birth mark?”

Me: “No, sir! They’re piercings.”

Elderly Gentleman: “Oh, God, don’t even go there. I hate that. I won’t even date someone with facial piercings.”

Me: *smiling through gritted teeth* “Well, that works for me, because I wear them as a deterrent for men who assume that I dress for their pleasure.”

Your Skeletons Don’t Need To Be In The Closet

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Norway, Silly | Romantic | October 22, 2017


(My boyfriend is notorious for not noticing things in our living space. I have to put things right in front of him for him to notice, and even then it’s 50/50 chance he’ll react. I just put up a small picture of a character from a comic. A few minutes later he walks past it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, I see you’ve put up a picture of [Character].”

Me: “Yes, I did. I’m surprised you noticed it this quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Why, has it been there long?”

Me: “No, I put it up like five minutes ago. But usually you never notice these things.”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Me: “The hedgehog figure I put in the window sill in our previous apartment? It took you weeks to notice it, and it wasn’t even that small or hidden away.”

Boyfriend: “That was just because I never looked at the window sill! Like, right now you could hide a dead body by the living room window and I wouldn’t notice because I never look that way!”

Me: “…Okay.”

Sympathy Is Number One

Australia, Health & Body, home, Revolting, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | October 21, 2017


(Flu season is really bad this year, and despite vaccination, I catch a nasty case. I’m really bad at being sick, and my husband and I argue about how much I’m allowed to do while ill. He has banned me from doing almost anything on my own, and I’ve been getting a little stir-crazy despite the fever, chills, and aches. He comes into the room as I’m climbing back into bed.)

Husband: “Are you okay? I heard you rattling around in here.”

Me: “I just got up to use the loo and re-wet my wash cloth.”

Husband: “I could’ve done that for you!”

Me: *pauses* “Repeat that?”

Husband: “I could’ve done that for you! You should really stay in bed.”

Me: “I’m not sure you can pee for me, Babe.”

Husband: *joking* “I could pee in sympathy. Like that time I rubbed your back when you had food poisoning, and ended up puking right after you finished?”

Me: “Thanks for reminding me of that. I totally needed it right now.”

Husband: “Anything to make you feel better!”

All Relationships Start Out Cheesy

Arizona, Engaged, Food & Drink, home, Parents/Guardians, Silly, USA | Romantic | October 20, 2017


(My fiancé has recently proposed to me. We rent our home next door to my father in an effort to save money. This can be convenient at times, if my father or I run out of something, if one of us can go to the store for the other, etc. My fiancé and I are sitting at home for the evening when I get a call from a family friend, who is currently visiting my father.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], do you guys have any cheese?”

Me: “Yeah, but it belongs to [Fiancé].”

Friend: “Oh. Do you think I could have some? Wait… Your dad wants to talk to you.”

(My father comes onto the line and asks the same question, saying that our friend is out of the usual snacks we keep on hand for her when she visits, since she is allergic to gluten.)

Me: “Hey, [Fiancé], can [Friend] have a couple slices of cheese?”

Fiancé: *rather reluctant since it’s an expensive brand* “Ehhh, I dunno.”

Me: *to my father* “[Fiancé] wants to be compensated. What does he get?”

Father: “He gets to marry my daughter. How about that?”

Me: “Okay!” *to fiancé* “My dad says you can marry me if you give [Friend] cheese. What do you think? You wanna buy me for two slices of cheese?”

(Our friend got her cheese!)

Not Really Feline This Relationship

home, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2017


Partner: *from the next room* “You know I love you!”

Me: *touched at this sweet, out-of-the-blue comment* “Thanks, Sweetie. I love you, too.”

Partner: *pauses* “I was talking to the cat.”

And You’re Mean To Boot

home, Oregon, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wilsonville | Romantic | October 18, 2017


(My husband and I are getting ready for the day when following conversation happens.)

Me: “I told someone on the internet that they are wrong. Someone attacked my personality and I had to start a debate, you know? And a person kept trying to conjure some arguments, but all they got was a set of logical fallacies. I was forced to point them out. The person kept trying. I kept pointing out why my statement is correct and their argument has no ground. I think the other person was more invested in proving me wrong. And I had fun. I am so mean.”

Husband: “You are not mean. You just want to wipe your feet on them.”

Me: “Not my feet. My muddy boots.”

Husband: “Okay. Your shoes?”

Me: “My. Muddy. Boots.”

Husband: “I take it back. You are mean.”

Scouting For The Saddest Joke

Bigotry, home, LGBTQ, Scouts, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | October 17, 2017


(My wife used to be a Boy Scout and was kicked out at 18 for being gay, before she came to terms with being a woman. So, I am surprised when she comes home with a box of popcorn the Boy Scouts were selling.)

Me: “This is the worst and least original joke, but is Boy Scout popcorn made from real Boy Scouts?”

Wife: “Yeah, it’s made from the gay and trans kids they kick out.”

Me: *pauses* “My joke wasn’t funny, but you didn’t have to make it sad.”

Smothering With A Different Kind Of Love

Health & Body, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 16, 2017


(My wife and I are getting ready for bed. She’s been suffering from her allergies, stuffed up really bad. This night, it’s considerably worse than others. I do not condone violence; all of the following is said in jest.)

Wife: “Honey, I’m sorry if I snore too much tonight. If I get too bad, please—”

Me: *interrupting her* “Smother you with a pillow so I can sleep. Got it.”

Wife: “No! Just s—”

Me: *interrupting her again* “Right, smother you with a pillow. No worries.”

Wife: “No! Just roll me over!”

Me: *kissing her on the forehead* “Roger. Pillow, face, smother. Love you. Goodnight.”

(I’m still not sure why she married me.)

Chips Trump Love

Engaged, Food & Drink, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Somerset, USA | Romantic | October 15, 2017


(My fiancé and I are eating Mexican takeout at home. He holds out his hand, and I take it.)

Fiancé: “No, I wanted chips, not your hand.”

She Eats People Like You For Breakfast

Comeuppance, Fast Food, Harassment, Revolting, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | October 14, 2017


(My friend is working the drive-thru. After the customer gives his order and pulls to the window, this lovely exchange happens:)

Customer: “You know, a guy like me likes to see girls like you on her back, preferably naked.”

Friend: “You know, a girl like me likes to see guys like you in an oven, preferably with it preheated to 350 already.”

Customer: “I was just trying to be flattering.”

Friend: “You were just trying to be raunchy for shock value, and it didn’t work.”

Customer: “What if I had feelings for you?”

Friend: “Wouldn’t change mine toward you, which is hungry.”

Customer: “As in good hungry?”

Friend: “As in Hannibal hungry.”

Customer: *drives off*

A Disagreement To Bring The House Down

Car, Non-Dialogue, Seattle, Spouses & Partners, Washington | Romantic | October 13, 2017


Early in my marriage, it became quickly apparent that my new wife had much higher, and therefore pricier, standards when it came to residences than I did. We were both from areas with much cheaper housing than Seattle, but at that time I was the only one who seemed to allow that to re-shape my expectations of where I could live. Sometimes I’d bring up a neighborhood I’d like to live in, and she’d recoil in horror; by her standards, such places were run-down and trashy, whereas by my standards they were quite reasonable and quaint.

One day we were driving on a particular stretch of highway that had notoriously bad traffic, and I noticed that my gas gauge was precariously low. I was coming up on the last exit before I would get onto the bridge heading into Seattle, and I wasn’t confident I could make it to the city on what I had, given the traffic. So, I took the exit and started looking for a gas station in the small township outside of Seattle. My wife was admiring the nice yards and homes and said calmly, “See? This is the kind of neighborhood I could live in.”

I replied, “Honey, this is Bill Gates’s neighborhood.” I gave her a “give me a break” look.

She got the message and saw her issue. Our standards still don’t match, but the gap is considerably smaller than it was.