He Can Go Sleep In The Garage

home, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, New South Wales, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | October 12, 2017


(Our two-car garage is a mess. My husband insists I have to help tidy it.)

Husband: “We’ll take sides; you do that side and I’ll do this side. Most of the things on your side are yours.”

(I get to work tidying my side. He’s constantly watching so I don’t throw out anything that might remotely be his. If he’s not doing that, he’s fiddling around with his tools, not actually doing any tidying. I get my side looking good, and even set up a table so I can do some crafting out there. It’s taken me half the day, and his side has barely been touched.)

Me: “Okay, I’m finished, just in time to cook dinner.”

(It takes about half an hour to cook the dinner, and when it’s ready, I call my husband in.)

Me: “Are you going to continue cleaning after you eat?”

Husband: “I’m completely finished; my side of the garage is clean.”

(I couldn’t believe that he’d taken just half an hour to do it, after doing almost nothing out there for almost four hours. I walked out to find that the mess and rubbish from his side had now been moved to my side. The next day, he showed his brother his tidy side of the garage and what my side looks like. His brother has often called me lazy in the past, and this is no exception. My husband now wonders why I have to take photos of everything I do.)

Wazoo Cramps

California, Health & Body, home, Language & Words, San Francisco, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 11, 2017


(My wife has a love-hate relationship with ibuprofen: it makes her drowsy, but it’s also the only thing that soothes her menstrual cramps.)

Wife: “Ooh… cramps just kicked in. Ibuprofen up the wazoo.”

Me: “That seems less than ideal. I don’t think your body will absorb it properly if you put it up your wazoo.”

Wife: “Oh, my God. You’re ridiculous.”

A Very Touching Disaster

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, home, USA | Romantic | October 10, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He has an old down pillow that he sleeps with. He grabs the pillow from behind his head and slaps it down over his legs.)

Me: “So, that’s why I keep finding feathers.”

Boyfriend: “No, it’s not.”

(He throws the pillow back up and then smacks it down on his legs again, except this time the pillow actually rips in half and spills feathers all over the bed. He lays there and stares at the mess, as I laugh so hard I almost cry. I run to the bathroom as he is stuffing the pillow and most of the feathers into the trash. When I return, he is walking out the front door.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “I just shook out the blanket off the porch, and now I have to find whatever it is I just flung across the yard that was in the blanket.”

Me: *still laughing* “I bet it was the TV remote. You better not have lost the batteries. We don’t have any more.”

(Sure enough, the remote is in the yard, and he manages to find the batteries in the grass. I start to laugh again as he hands them to me before he walks back inside.)

Me: “You’re not allowed to touch things.”

(I put the batteries back in the remote and set it back onto the bed before heading to the kitchen. I pass by the cat who is sitting on the edge of the couch as my boyfriend is walking towards us.)

Me: “[Cat], run! Don’t let him touch you!”

Boyfriend: “Ha. Ha.”

(A few seconds later, I hear a “thwack” sound followed by, “God d*** it.” I look back into the bedroom and my boyfriend is standing there with his hand over his face.)

Boyfriend: “Just… I just threw my phone on the bed.”

(I look over and see that his phone has managed to smack into the remote, causing the batteries to fly out of it and across the bed. I burst out laughing.)

Boyfriend: “I’m going to sleep!”

(I love the big goof.)

A Truly Capital Relationship

home, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | October 9, 2017


(I have recently taken a job as a merchandiser. I have had a rough day, so after work I seek validation from my wife. She’s an anarchist, so I know her validation will be flavored with that.)

Me: “You love and respect me, even though I’m a capitalist monkey, right?”

Wife: “Of course. I used to work for [Unpleasant Company], after all!”

Me: “Yeah, but your role was important. I’m useless.”

Wife: “I spent my time making my department more efficient for capitalism. Your job is more anti-capitalist, because you’re being paid by the company to do almost nothing!”

(Somehow it didn’t help that much with my problem of feeling useless.)

Do Not Make Contact With Your Girlfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nashville, Restaurant, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | October 8, 2017


(I am waiting for my boyfriend at a restaurant and this happens:)

Stranger With Glasses: *walks up to me* “Hey, beautiful.”

(The stranger kisses me before I can react. I freak out and punch him in the face, throwing him to the floor and knocking off his glasses.)

Me: “YOU CRAZY SICKO! Wait a minute… [Boyfriend]?”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend wears contacts.)

Do Not Make Contact With Your Girlfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nashville, Restaurant, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | October 8, 2017


(I am waiting for my boyfriend at a restaurant and this happens:)

Stranger With Glasses: *walks up to me* “Hey, beautiful.”

(The stranger kisses me before I can react. I freak out and punch him in the face, throwing him to the floor and knocking off his glasses.)

Me: “YOU CRAZY SICKO! Wait a minute… [Boyfriend]?”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend wears contacts.)

That Was Rebound To Happen

Engaged, home, Language & Words, USA | Romantic | October 7, 2017


(My fiancé and I have this silly thing where one of us will say something like, “There’s a cupcake,” and the other will say, “You’re a cupcake.” One day this backfires on him. My fiancé throws trash at the bin. It bounces off the rim and lands in a nearby box.)

Me: “Ohhhh, rebound!”

Fiancé: “You’re a rebound!”

(Moment of silence, followed by a moment of me pretending to be hurt.)

Fiancé: “I didn’t think that one through.”

Leaving This Argument Behind

Australia, Fights/Breakups, home, New South Wales, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | October 6, 2017


(We don’t argue very often but when we do, my husband usually makes a comment that I should just pack up and leave. It’s never him doing the leaving; it’s always me — especially when the argument is not going his way. He’s following a pattern that I’ve seen his parents follow with each other. Saying anything about it just starts a whole new argument. We’ve had one of these arguments, he’s gone to work the next day, and I’ve stripped everything of mine out of the bedroom. I leave my drawers and wardrobe open for effect. Our teenagers have noticed and asked what I am doing as I carry everything to our back room.)

Me: “Oh, I’m just sorting through my clothes and stuff. I need to get rid of things and de-clutter.”

(I am sitting out, folding and sorting, when I hear my husband get home and go into the bedroom. A few moments later I hear him in the kitchen with my son.)

Husband: *very quietly* “Do you know where Mum is?”

Son: “Yeah, she is in the family room.”

(I don’t even acknowledge him as he looks in the door, just keep folding my clothes while watching TV. I think my passive-aggressive lesson worked; he’s never made a comment like that in the five years since.)

Make Love, Not Warcraft, Fifth Expansion

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Non-Dialogue, Olympia, USA, Washington | Romantic | October 5, 2017


I am 18, and have a boyfriend who is addicted to World of Warcraft. Sometimes his addiction gets the better of him.

We are standing in the kitchen talking about something, and in the middle of my sentence, he leaves the kitchen and walks into our bedroom, where the computer is, where he proceeds to sit for about ten minutes.

He then comes out, and asks if I had been saying something before he left the kitchen.

It turns out he had gotten an idea about WoW, and had to go play it right that second. He hadn’t even heard a word I said

My Husband The T-Rex

Australia, Bizarre, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | October 4, 2017


Me: *making toast in the kitchen* “What are you looking for?”

Husband: “Paper towel.”

Me: *hands it to him; it is right next to his hand* “Wow, that really was a man-look.”

Husband: “I can’t help it. Men have eyesight based on movement. It’s true. Look it up. It’s a hunter thing.”

Me: *laughs* “Are you saying that all men are predators?”

Husband: “Rawr!”

My Partner Is Not So Smart (Phone)

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Technology, Victoria | Romantic | October 3, 2017


(I have just gotten a new cellphone, and am entering numbers into it.)

Girlfriend: “You should put your number in there, in case you lose it!”

Me: “Good idea!” *I start to add a new number, then stop.* “Wait… how would that help me?”

Girlfriend: “Well, if you left your phone here, I could call you!”

Me: “But if I put the number into my phone… and you have my phone… how will you call me?”

Girlfriend: “By calling your number!”

Me: “But if you’re calling my phone, and you HAVE MY PHONE…”

(We went back and forth a couple more times before she realized that putting my cell number in my cell wouldn’t be as useful as she first thought.)

Putting Those Texts Into Context

Germany, home, Marriage & Partners, Rude & Risque |
Romantic | October 2, 2017

(My partner’s brother got married about two months ago.)

Partner: “His texts all have an undertone of happy to them! He’s clearly still in the newlywed phase!”

Me: *because I’m a terrible person* “Would you say they have an… afterglow?”

Partner: “Ew! No! My brother is a priest! He has a Master’s degree in the New Testament!”

Me: “That doesn’t make him a priest, you know. He needed that for the private school he works at.”

Partner: “Lalalala, not listening! My brother is a priest and no one can convince me otherwise!”

A Man’s Duty Is Not About Booty

Gas Station, Harassment, Rude & Risque, Strangers, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 1, 2017


(I’m 17 and my friend has suckered me into working at my first job selling alarm systems door-to-door. They drop us off at random locations that we’re expected to canvas all day. I’m taking my lunch break, sitting outside a gas station on top of a small hill. A shirtless man passes by on the bottom of the hill, obviously going into the other entrance. He emerges with an energy drink and walks until he gets to the corner, then walks back. I don’t think anything of it and keep eating. Suddenly, he’s in front of me.)

Guy: “Hey!”

Me: “Hi.”

Guy: “I’ve seen you walking around, and I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a man if I didn’t tell you that you have the most beautiful a** I’ve ever seen.”

Me: *embarrassed and freaked out* “Thank you.”

Guy: “Just thought I’d let you know.” *starts walking away, then turns back to me* “My name is [Name].”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Guy: “You got a boyfriend?”

Me: “No.”

Guy: “What’s your number?”

Me: *trying to dissuade him with the obvious age difference* “How old are you?”

Guy: *puffs out chest* “How old do you think I am?”

Me: *lying* “About 25-26?” *still old enough the age difference should matter*

Guy: “Well, how old are you?”

Me: “I’m 17.”

Guy: *obviously shaken* “I’m actually 37… so, that’s a little old for you, right?”

Me: “Yeah, kind of.”

Guy: “Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you. Just remember, you have a beautiful a**. I was just doing my duty as a man.”

(He never talked to me face to face after that, but for the next two weeks I was stationed there, and whenever he saw me walking, he’d call out, “BEAUTY WITH A BOOTY!”)

Cross That Bridge When You Come To It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Kentucky, Louisville, Outdoors/Outside, USA | Romantic | September 30, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are going on a walk across a bridge over the river. We’ve only been together a couple of months, so it isn’t super serious yet.)

Me: *as we walk up the ramp* “I heard of a guy who proposed to his girlfriend here.”

Boyfriend: “I’ll bet that happens a lot.”

Me: “I could make a joke here, but I won’t.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m not going to do it NOW!”

A Marriage That Hookers You In

Car, Finland, Flirting, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | September 29, 2017


(My husband and I work near each other and carpool to work. He is dropping me off at my office.)

Me: “I really don’t feel like doing [work task] today.”

Husband: *in a suggestive tone* “Well, I can think of an alternative to doing [work task].”

Me: “Yeah, but I don’t get paid for that.”

Keeping Things Clean In This Relationship

Germany, Health & Body, home, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | September 28, 2017


(My partner has severe OCD. Thanks to a particularly disgusting scene in a certain movie about a hotel for dogs, they get sick if human hair wraps around their hands, feet, or face. It’s worse if they find hair in their food. Normally, I have to clean the shower drain before they can use it. On this day, I’m feeling really sick. I lie down and pass out for a while. When I come to, I hear the shower running.)

Me: *thinking* “That’s weird. I guess it was clean enough?”

(I walk over to the bathroom and start laughing. My partner has their head over the edge of the tub, and is trying to scrub as best they can.)

Partner: “Oh! Hi! I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to shower.”

Me: “Aww, thanks for letting me sleep.”

Partner: “Of course! You need your rest when you’re sick.”

Me: “I love you.”

Found Yourself A True Renaissance Man

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Costume Shop, Fair, Love/Romance, Money, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2017


(This is the second year I’ve gone to the local Renaissance fair with my boyfriend, and the first year I’ve had any kind of money to spend, so I’m quite eager to head to one of the major costume shops along the main street. The capes from this shop are STUNNING, and I have been wanting one for years, so I’ve made sure I’ve got what I think is enough money to buy one. I drag my boyfriend over to the stall to look over which ones he thinks look best on me.)

Me: “Excuse me, how much are these emerald cloaks over here?”

Shop Lady: “Oh, the unpainted ones are [price way higher than I expected], but if you want one of the painted ones, it’s [higher price].”

Me: *heart sinking a good bit* “Oh, okay. Thanks!” *I sigh and whisper to my boyfriend* “Oh, well. I can always get it next year.”

Boyfriend: *smiling as he squeezes my hand* “You sure? I can lend you the money or something.”

Me: *awkwardly blushing, wondering if it sounded like I was guilt-tripping him to pay* “Nah, it’s fine; I don’t need it, and I don’t know when I could pay you back. Thank you so much for offering, though. It means a lot to me.”

(I go back to admiring the painted capes, making sure I knew which cape I’d want the next year when I could get one for myself. My boyfriend excuses himself for a moment and one of the shopkeepers chats with me for a bit. Next thing I know, my boyfriend is back with one of the bags the store puts purchases in. I stare at him for a moment before it clicks.)

Me: “Did you…?”

Boyfriend: *with a smile that I swear lit up the whole park as he hands me the bag* “Don’t worry about paying me back. Consider it a two-week-early birthday present.”

(I’m ready to cry, I am so touched! My whole face warms up as I blush, and I can’t stop grinning. He takes my hand and gives it a gentle kiss, looking at me adorably.)

Shop Lady: *winks* “Just so you know, those capes are waterproof if you ever wanna wear yours after a shower. Say, after he’s gotten home and you’ve got nothing else to greet him in…”

(Now it was his turn to blush as I giggled uncontrollably.)

You Just Know The Vegans Are Not Going To Be Chill(i) About This

Dunnellon, Engaged, Florida, Food & Drink, home, Jerk, USA | Romantic | September 26, 2017


(My fiancée and I discover a brand of frozen food that is amazing. We notice upon purchase that it is gluten free, but it takes us a while longer to realize it is vegan. Neither of us have any reason to need vegan food, being huge carnivores anyway, and my fiancée is crotchety, antisocial, and has a history of butting heads with the self-righteous types.)

Me: *stealing bites of her chili mac and cheese* “I still can’t believe something this hearty is completely meatless.”

Fiancée: *stealing it back* “I know; I never would have known if we hadn’t spotted the label on the spicy chili! I don’t know why they’d make the entire company vegan, though.”

Me: “It’s a relatively untapped market; vegans don’t have a ton of options for convenience like this, maybe three or four big brands, and almost nothing this cheap.”

(My fiancée gets a funny look on her face and puts the spoon down.)

Fiancée: *gleefully* “I just realized. We’re taking food from the vegans!”

(She’s terrible. It’s still funny.)

Must Be Working The Midnight Shift

Bookstore, British Columbia, Canada, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | September 26, 2017


(I tend to dress rather casually at work and, on this day, I’ve worn a bright orange T-shirt with my usual jeans. When I get home after work:)

Me: “You know, I might have to rethink some of my wardrobe choices.”

Husband: “Oh? Why’s that?”

Me: “One of my customers called me ‘Pumpkin’ today

Go Nude Or Go Home

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Grand Rapids, home, Jerk, Michigan, USA | Romantic | September 25, 2017


(It’s about four am when I receive a call from my boyfriend, who works third shift. I’m a fairly heavy sleeper, and it takes a while for me to wake up. I also sleep nude, as I’ve always found it more comfortable than wearing even light pajamas.)

Boyfriend: “I’m too tired to drive home from work today. Mind if I crash at your place?”

Me: *still half-asleep* “Yeah. Just knock when you get here and I’ll let you in.”

(I fall asleep as soon as the call ends, only waking up when I hear pounding on the door to my studio apartment.)

Me: *opens the door, barely keeping my eyes open* “Mornin’.”

(My boyfriend stands there for a few minutes, and when I blink away the sleep from my eyes I realize he’s looking at me in disgust.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re naked.”

Me: *looks down at myself* “Yeah? I was sleeping.”

Boyfriend: “Well, get dressed! What if someone sees you?”

Me: “Then they see a naked fat chick letting her boyfriend in at four am. What’s the problem?”

(My apartment is on the second floor, in the back corner of the complex. Someone would have to be extremely determined, and capable of climbing trees, to look in on me.)

Boyfriend: “Go get dressed this instant.”

Me: *laughs* “I pay the rent; I’ll sleep nude if I want.”

Boyfriend: *getting increasingly flustered* “I’m not coming in until you get some clothes on, and that’s final.”

Me: “Then you’ll sleep in your car. Or outside. I don’t care; I’ve got work in the morning and I’m exhausted.”

Boyfriend: *crosses his arms and stares me down, like some overgrown toddler about to throw a tantrum, for a good minute*

Me: “Good night.” *shuts the door on his face and goes back to bed*

(I woke up to several angry messages from him, almost all of them summed up as, “You’re the worst person in the world and we’re through.” I didn’t bother responding, but I wonder why he was so adamant I cover myself, while he made me hold the door open for five minutes instead of just coming in.)

He’ll Do Things With His Thingy

Engaged, Flirting, home, Rude & Risque, Scotland, UK | Romantic | September 24, 2017


(My fiancée is currently working late shifts, so he is in bed when I leave for work in the morning. I usually give him a kiss goodbye, but I have a minute spare, so I climb into bed to give him a cuddle over the covers.)

Fiancée: “Are you naked?”

Me: “No, I’m just about to leave for work; why would I be naked?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know; I can always hope.”

Me: “What would you do?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know. Things.”

Underwear Beware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Rude & Risque, UK, Wales | Romantic | September 23, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are in bed at night, binge watching a TV series. We live with his father, so walking around the house in a state of undress is a no-go for me. I suddenly remember I bought grapes, which are my boyfriend’s favourite fruit.)

Me: “I bought grapes, by the way. They’re in the fridge.”

Boyfriend: “Really?!” *looks at me, hinting for me to go get them*

Me: “Now? Ugh, fine. I’ll have to find some PJs. I’m in my underwear here!”

Boyfriend: *flips the duvet cover off himself dramatically and points to his own boxer shorts* “What’s THIS?!”

(At this point he looks down and realises the button on his fly has come loose, and everything is on display. We both crack up laughing.)

Boyfriend: *in a tone of bewilderment* “What is this? I just found it!”

We’re Not Toying With You Anymore

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Jerk, Maine, Pet Store, Portland, USA | Romantic | September 22, 2017


(My boyfriend is the bad customer in this story. We’re picking up a few things for our dog at a pet store when he comes across an aisle of squeaky dog toys and gleefully begins “testing” each one, squeezing it once or twice before moving on to the next one.)

Me: “Do you have any idea how annoying you’re being?”

Boyfriend: “Hey, I just want to know what they all sound like so we can pick out the best one.” *continues squeezing the toys*

Me: “She doesn’t need any new toys, and anyway, they all sound the same. Don’t be rude to the people who work here.”

Boyfriend: “Whatever, they can probably just tune it out. They won’t mind.”

(I’m about to say something else, when an employee approaches with a forced-looking smile. Having worked retail myself, I know a “customer service” smile when I see one.)

Employee: “Do you guys need help finding anything?”

Me: “No, thanks; we’re just about done. Is he driving you all crazy?”

Employee: *still smiling* “I really can’t answer that honestly.”

(I turned back to my boyfriend with a smirk. He blushed, immediately let go of the toy he had been squeaking, and walked quickly towards the registers.)

Ice Cream Can Never Fail

Car, Dating, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | September 21, 2017


(My partner picks me up from university, with their sister in tow. We take their sister to the local pizza place to pick up her takeaway order, and while she’s inside my partner turns to me.)

Partner: *slightly evasive* “Hey, I need to run some things up if that’s okay.”

Me: “Yeah, sure.” *beat* “Wait, what? I heard, ‘I need to run some things…’ and my brain just filled in, ‘…by you,’ I guess, so I answered okay, but what?”

Partner: *flustered* “Pick some things up. Run and pick some things up. Yeah. After we drop off [Sister]? I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling up to it, since I know you had a long day.”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s fine.”

(Their sister returns, and we drop her off. I mention to her that, as I assume, we’re going to go do some quick grocery shopping. While we’re in the driveway, I turn to my partner and ask:)

Me: “So, what things did you need to pick up?”

Partner: *exclaiming loudly* “[My Favorite Ice Cream Place]!”

Me: “Um, what?”

Partner: *hiding face in hands* “I was going to surprise you by taking you to [Ice Cream Place], because you were so sad last time we tried to go and they were closed. But I’m really bad at lying.”

Me: “Oh no! That’s so sweet of you, though. Thank you!”

Partner: “I was going to be so cool, just driving along, and eventually you were going to ask me where we were going, and I was going to say [Ice Cream Place]! But then you asked immediately and I didn’t have an answer prepared. I failed at being romantic!”

(I didn’t actually feel like I could stomach ice cream right then, anyway, so we did go to the grocery store after all, and picked up some dessert for another night. Next time, I’ll try not to be so nosy!)

Ice Cream Can Never Fail

Car, Dating, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | September 21, 2017


(My partner picks me up from university, with their sister in tow. We take their sister to the local pizza place to pick up her takeaway order, and while she’s inside my partner turns to me.)

Partner: *slightly evasive* “Hey, I need to run some things up if that’s okay.”

Me: “Yeah, sure.” *beat* “Wait, what? I heard, ‘I need to run some things…’ and my brain just filled in, ‘…by you,’ I guess, so I answered okay, but what?”

Partner: *flustered* “Pick some things up. Run and pick some things up. Yeah. After we drop off [Sister]? I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling up to it, since I know you had a long day.”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s fine.”

(Their sister returns, and we drop her off. I mention to her that, as I assume, we’re going to go do some quick grocery shopping. While we’re in the driveway, I turn to my partner and ask:)

Me: “So, what things did you need to pick up?”

Partner: *exclaiming loudly* “[My Favorite Ice Cream Place]!”

Me: “Um, what?”

Partner: *hiding face in hands* “I was going to surprise you by taking you to [Ice Cream Place], because you were so sad last time we tried to go and they were closed. But I’m really bad at lying.”

Me: “Oh no! That’s so sweet of you, though. Thank you!”

Partner: “I was going to be so cool, just driving along, and eventually you were going to ask me where we were going, and I was going to say [Ice Cream Place]! But then you asked immediately and I didn’t have an answer prepared. I failed at being romantic!”

(I didn’t actually feel like I could stomach ice cream right then, anyway, so we did go to the grocery store after all, and picked up some dessert for another night. Next time, I’ll try not to be so nosy!)

They Don’t Play For Your Team In This Bar

Atlanta, Bar, Georgia, LGBTQ, Strangers, USA | Romantic | September 20, 2017


(I’m at a gay sports bar. I notice one guy that I think is cute, so I go over to talk.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Stranger: “Doing all right.”

Me: “Cool. Enjoying yourself?”

Stranger: “Yeah, but there are a lot of dudes here. Is there a good spot nearby to meet chicks?”

Me: *realization sets in* “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Stranger: “No. Why?”

They Don’t Play For Your Team In This Bar

Atlanta, Bar, Georgia, LGBTQ, Strangers, USA | Romantic | September 20, 2017


(I’m at a gay sports bar. I notice one guy that I think is cute, so I go over to talk.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Stranger: “Doing all right.”

Me: “Cool. Enjoying yourself?”

Stranger: “Yeah, but there are a lot of dudes here. Is there a good spot nearby to meet chicks?”

Me: *realization sets in* “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Stranger: “No. Why?”

Give A Dog A Bone

Michigan, Pets & Animals, Pharmacy, Retail, Rude & Risque, USA | | Healthy | July 11, 2019


(One day at work, I hear my pharmacist and another technician talking about an unusual prescription that’s come in. Curious, I switch to a computer nearby and find them discussing a dog who’s been prescribed the generic for Viagra. Apparently, a recent study has indicated that it may be helpful for relieving coughing in dogs, for some reason, and we spend some time discussing how it might work in that regard. Later, as I’m working on the computer and she’s filling prescriptions behind me, she glances up and leans toward me, chuckling.)

Pharmacist: “You know, it’s hard enough for a person to talk to their doctor about this type of medication. I’d think it’d have to be even harder for a dog!”

Me: *playing along* “Well, yeah. Besides not being able to talk, it’s gotta be way more embarrassing for them, with everything all hanging out and no way to disguise it.”

(After a few moments.)

Me: “I can totally see the commercials, though. This gorgeous Golden Retriever stud going ‘Once, I was the laughing stock of the breeding kennel. But now, I’m back to being top dog, thanks to Viagra!’”

Pharmacist: *cracking up* “See, none of the other health care professions get to enjoy jokes like this.”

(I love my coworkers.)

This happens all the time.

*customer walks up *

Me: Hello!

Customer: Hi, I need to pick up, my doctor called something in earlier.

Me: OK, what’s your name?

Customer: Dr. Blank called it in.

Me: What’s your-

Customer: I think it was for lispil *they usually mean lisinopril, pronounced like it looks*

Me: What’s-

Customer: It was about 2 hours ago, can’t you find it?

Me: *firm voice* What is your NAME?

Customer: Oh! Jane.

Me: And your last name? *medications are sorted by last name*

Customer: *last name*

Me: *finds medication and rings them out*

Honestly, it’s like pulling teeth.

I worked at a pharmacy that was surrounded but seniors homes, so this made up the majority of our clientele, the pharmacy was in a mall which included a grocery store, when the grocery store was closed for Reno’s we brought in some basic staples like milk and bread and continued carrying them after the grocery store re-opened. our suplly was limited we carried only small CARTONS of milk, no jugs.

customer:(with a jug of milk) I want to return this, its passed the expiry date, and I lost the receipt.

me: Ma’am you didn’t purchase this from us, so I cannot process a return

customer: excuse me?! I KNOW where I purchased my milk from, I got from here and you need to return it for me!

me: we do not carry jugs of milk ma’am, only cartons, so you cannot possibly have purchased it from us, perhaps you got it from the grocery store down the hall?

(note I look a lot younger then I am, it is very likely the customer presumed I was in school and only worked part time)
Customer: I bought it from from here, you just must not have been here when the jugs came in.

me: Ma’am we are only open 9 hours a day Monday to Sat and 4 hours on Sundays and I work 8 of those hours Mon-Sat and all of them on Sundays. I place and accept all the orders, I am telling you, we have never had jugged milk in stock, you did not purchase this from us.

Customer:….. oh..sorry *hangs her head and leaves*:

Obama Drama, Part 7

Bizarre, Jerk, Louisiana, Pharmacy, USA | | Right | May 21, 2019


(It is during the Obama presidency. The pharmacy phone rings.)

Caller: “I want to check and see if my prescription is ready.”

Me: “Sure. Could I get your information?”

(I look up the patient and see that his insurance wants additional paperwork from the doctor before they will pay for the medication. This is a VERY common problem, especially for expensive or name-brand medication.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks like your prescription isn’t ready because we are still waiting for the doctor to file some additional paperwork with the insurance company.”

Caller: “What do you mean? I was told that my prescription would be ready by five! Why isn’t it ready?”

Me: “Sir, this medication is name-brand and very expensive. Your insurance company doesn’t want to pay for it unless your doctor provides additional paperwork stating that it is medically necessary.”

Caller: “Well, of course it’s medically necessary! My doctor wrote it for me, so I need it! This is ridiculous. I need my medicine!”

Me: “I apologize for that, sir. If you’d like to pay the cash price of [several hundred dollars], I can have your prescription ready in about ten minutes. But unfortunately, if you want your insurance to cover it, you may want to try calling your doctor and making sure he’s filled out the paperwork we faxed to him.”

Caller: “This has nothing to do with my insurance company! You know what this is? This is that ‘Obama-Care’ and his death panels! He’s just trying to kill off all of us old people! I don’t know how he even got in office; he’s a Kenyan!”

(The caller continues spouting out conspiracy theories for another five minutes.)

Caller: “Well, I think I’ve wasted enough of your time. Goodnight.” *click*

Me: “…”

Obama Drama, Part 6

Bizarre, Employees, Massachusetts, Politics, Retail, USA | Working | January 31, 2019


(I work in a major retail chain. One night, we get an unusual truck delivery. Our manager is waiting by the dock with us as we get ready to unload it.)

Manager: *sigh* “All right, everyone. This is going to seem crazy, but I’ve confirmed with the home office that the delivery inside is definitely intended to be ours just the way it is, so just go with it.”

Coworker: “Wait. What the heck is inside?”

Manager: “You’ll see.”

(Shortly after, the truck driver opens the door to reveal an absolutely absurd amount of tangerines. My coworkers and I alternate between staring at the tangerines in amazement and each other in shock and confusion.)

Coworker: “There’s no way this is right. I get that we’re a busy supercenter and all, but there’s no way even we can sell all these oranges before a whole bunch goes bad.”

Manager: “Yep, that’s how I feel, but apparently someone higher up than me disagrees.”

Me: *as I’m sliding my pallet jack under the first pallet* “What reason could there possibly be to make this seem like a good idea?”

Driver: “You want to know what these oranges are for? This is all about that Obamacare!”

(Suddenly, everyone stops what they’re doing to process what the driver has said.)

Manager: “What… What does that have to do with oranges? No, actually, what does that have to do with anything right now?”

Driver: “That’s Obamacare for you; it doesn’t make any sense!”

(We quickly gave up trying to figure out what the driver was talking about. For the next week, all our nightly meetings included a manager urging us all to get a bag of tangerines on the way home. Once the story of the delivery had spread, we would all say goodbye to each other with, “Don’t forget your Obamacare oranges!”)

Obama Drama, Part 5

At The Checkout, Jerk, Retail, Tennessee, USA | Right | July 8, 2018


(At the store where I work, it is policy to card for ALL tobacco and alcohol purchases. It doesn’t matter if the person has grey hair and more wrinkles than a Shar Pei; we still have to card them. Failure to card can lose me my job and cost me and the store a hefty fine. The customer I am serving here appears to be in at least his 60s.)

Customer: “I’ll take a can of [chewing tobacco], please.”

Me: “Certainly.” *unlocks the tobacco cabinet and gets out the can* “May I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “You’re kidding me!”

Customer’s Buddy: “The state of things now! Is this an Obama rule? This is ridiculous how things are nowadays! Is his one of Obama’s rules?”

Me: “No, it is a store rule.”

Customer & His Buddy: *laughs* “A store rule?!”

(The customer handed me his ID, I typed in the birthdate and told him his total, and he paid and left, both of them still laughing. This is not the first time a customer has railed about “Obama taking away their rights” when asked for ID.)

Related:

Obama Drama, Part 4

Bizarre, Jerk, Missouri, Retail, Silly, USA | Right | January 15, 2018


(I work at an office supply store in the printing department. It is a Saturday evening, and a coworker and I are currently putting out ads for the next week. We have just closed our doors, and everything is going fine until we get a call. I don’t pay much attention until my coworker calls me over to take it, as it is for my department. Keep in mind that we are currently closed.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could get a price quote on some prints?”

Me: “Sure thing! What are you looking to get?”

(The customer proceeds to describe what he wants, which goes on for a few minutes. The conversation goes well, nothing out of the ordinary, until we reach the end of the conversation.)

Customer: “Sounds good! What time do you all close?”

Me: “We closed about 15 minutes ago, sir, but we open back up at 10:00 tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Aw, man, really? I am actually just right outside. Could you make an exception?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not, but like I said, we open back up tomorrow.”

Customer: “But I’m from out of town and I really need this done.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are closed.”

Customer: “But I’m from Texas; does that change anything?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, sir. We are still closed, regardless.”

(We go back and forth like this for several minutes. He is getting irate the longer it goes on, and so am I. I try to keep the friendliest voice I can muster. It seems like he has finally decided to give up, until the customer says something I never expected.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Like I said before, we are closed.”

Customer: *in a threatening tone* “Do I need to call Obama to confirm that you’re closed?”

Me: *legitimately speechless*

Customer: *click*

(After I hung up the phone, I told my coworker and manager. They both got a pretty good kick out of it! It was the strangest phone call I have ever received. We also never did get that phone call from Obama.)

Obama Drama, Part 3

Post Office | USA | Right | May 25, 2016


(It’s the day before taxes are due and a few last minute customers are mailing out their returns. Customer #1 is addressing his envelope while Customer #2 is filling out a money order for a payment.)

Customer #1 : “I really got hit this year!”

Customer #2 : *murmurs sympathetically*

Customer #1 : “But I guess I’m just stuck paying like this until we get a Republican governor again.”

Customer #2 : *glances at him* “Yeah…?”

(There’s a slight pause as Customer #1 thinks.)

Customer #1 : “We’ve got a Republican governor right now, don’t we?”

Customer #2 : “Yup!”

(The Republican governor had already been in office three years; he was preceded by another Republican.)

Obama Drama, Part 2

Retail | Durham, NC, USA | Right | September 5, 2014


(I work in a high-end stationery boutique, whose clientele is generally upper middle class and upper class white women in their 40s to 60s – the sort of people whose spending habits didn’t really change when the economy nose dived. This customer appeared to be no different, and the address on the check she paid with confirmed as much.)

Customer: “Where’s your clearance section?”

Me: “We actually don’t have clearance sales, outside of our semi-annual sales after Christmas and Father’s Day.”

Customer: “So everything in here is full-priced?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: *sighs loudly* “Fine, I’ll pay full-price. But I really need to be saving every penny, with that black man as president.”

Obama Drama

home | Lexington, KY, USA | Related | June 15, 2014


(It is around the time the 2008 Presidential campaign is beginning to pick up steam, and since my family’s African American, everyone is buzzing about Barack Obama, although some of the older relatives are rather skeptical.)

Cousin: “Can you believe this? It looks like he may have a shot.”

Uncle: “Huh. He won’t win.”

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Uncle: “With the way this country works, he’ll never make it past the primaries. Mark my words.”

Me: “Actually, the primaries are over. He did make it.”

Uncle: “Oh… uh… he still won’t make it.”

(I really wish I could’ve been there to see his reaction when Obama won the national election… for both terms.)

Trying To Kill The Pain, Not The Bank Balance

Friends, Health & Body, Jerk, Money, Pharmacy, UK | | Friendly | May 16, 2019


(A friend and I have just gotten piercings. I have some already, so I suggest we get ibuprofen to handle the immediate swelling and pain. We go to our local pharmacy.)

Friend: “Which one do we need?”

Me: “One that has ibuprofen in it.”

Friend: “Ah.” *picks up the most expensive branded box*

Me: “Ugh, I’d rather go with the generic kind.” *picks up my own box*

Friend: “But look at it. It’ll probably kill you!”

Me: “They are literally the same. Yours is branded, though, so they charge extortionate prices.”

Friend: “No, this one is better.”

(I take his box and show him the ingredients on the back. By a stroke of luck, they are EXACTLY the same.)

Friend: *after spending a long time comparing* “Mine is still better!”

(I shrugged and we paid for our own painkillers. He paid £3.49, while I paid 39p.)

Those Who Fling Themselves Will Sting Themselves

Bad Behavior, Great Stuff, Parents/Guardians, Pharmacy, UK, Wild & Unruly | | Right | May 15, 2019


(I am at the pharmacy with my one-year-old in her pushchair, waiting for my prescription to be filled. It’s five minutes before closing and the staff have been very helpful so far. A mother with a young girl storms in, slams down a prescription, and shouts at the employee, “And don’t take f****** forever!” Her daughter begins running around the store, picking up items and dropping them, screeching, and being annoying. Then, she spots the pushchair.)

Girl: *to me* “I want to pick up the baby!”

Me: “No, sorry, she’s not well at the moment. You don’t want to catch her cold.”

Girl: “I want the baby, now!”

Me: “No, no picking up or playing with baby today.”

(The girl goes to grab my daughter and I move the pushchair out of reach.)

Me: *to mother* “Could you come get your daughter, please? She’s going to hurt herself.”

(The mother looks at me, smirks, and looks away. The little girl then proceeds to fling herself at my daughter, but as I once again move the pram, she ends up face-planting into a basket of body wash. Cue screaming, crying, and a full-blown tantrum.)

Mother: *comes straight into my face, without picking up or checking on her daughter* “How f****** dare you?! You did that on purpose! I could f****** sue! I’ll smash your head in. You’re gonna be penniless when I’m done with you, b****!”

Me: *in my quiet, furious Mum Voice* “You might actually want to check on your daughter, though by the amount of noise she’s making I don’t think she’s dying. I’d like to see you try and sue. I asked you twice to control your daughter; if you’d actually been watching her this wouldn’t have happened. Now, get out of my face before I move you myself. Besides, I’m sure the CCTV of you threatening me would look lovely on Facebook.”

(The mother silently grabs her daughter and sits down, staring at me like I’m made out of spiders. She grabs her prescription and forces her daughter out the door as the girl shouts for a lollipop.)

Cashier: “Mrs. [My Name], here’s your prescription and the Yankee candle you ordered.”

Me: “I didn’t order anything, sorry.”

Cashier: “I guess this one’s on me, then. Thank you; that woman has been a nightmare for years, and no one’s stood up to her before.”

Me: *laughs* “If it hadn’t been for my daughter, I probably wouldn’t have, either. You know what they say about mother bears and their cubs!”

A Decent Dose Of Insurance Fraud

Extra Stupid, Pennsylvania, Pharmacy, USA | Right | April 30, 2019


Customer: “Why can’t I use my insurance for my pet’s medicine?”

Me: “That’s insurance fraud since it’s for your pet, not you.”

Customer: “But it’s a people prescription, so it should be paid for by my insurance!”