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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #361
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Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex
BIGOTRY, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, NORWAY, ONE-LINER | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 8, 2009
(I provide Internet support over the phone. I am the only qualified technician working today. I also happen to be female.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company] Internet support. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, hello, sweetheart. I didn’t realize I’d reached the reception. Would you please connect me to Internet support?”

Me: “This is Internet support. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I want help with a technical problem. I can’t talk to you. I want to talk to a man!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I’ll be able to help you with your technical problem. I am the qualified technician here today.”

Customer: “You are a girl! You have no clue how to help me! This is man stuff. I demand to speak with a man!”

(This continues for ten minutes. The customer gets more and more aggravated and starts yelling nasty comments. I give up, and connect him to my coworker, who sits next to me. My coworker is male.)

Coworker: “Welcome to [Company] Internet support. My name is [Coworker]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Finally, a man! My Internet is so unstable these days; I can’t seem to stay on it! It takes forever to load and the speed is horrible!”

Coworker: “Sir, I see the problem, and I’m sending a report. It will be fixed on Monday.”

Customer: “What?! It’s Saturday! Why do you have to wait until Monday? I want it fixed now!”

Coworker: “Well, we would need a qualified technician to log into the system to fix your line. It’s Saturday, so there is only one qualified technician working.”

Customer: “Get him to fix it now! I demand to speak with him!”

Coworker: “Sir, you have already spoken to her.”

Customer: “Wait. Her?”

Coworker: “Yes. You spoke to our only qualified technician earlier today. You yelled profanities at her, and demanded to speak to a man.”

Customer: “So, I’ll be lucky if my Internet is up again on Monday?”

Coworker: “You’ll be lucky if you have Internet at all.”
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #362
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Problem Is Too Stupid To Recognize It Exists
EDITORS' CHOICE, STUPID, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 1, 2008
Caller: “Hi, I want to use my roommate’s computer but it’s not working.”

Me: “Could you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a sign next to it that says, ‘In case of error, PEBCAK.’ Could you explain it?”

Me: *tries not to laugh* “It’s short for, ‘Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.'”

Caller: “Oh! I get it! Hold on…”

(I hear a loud cracking sound and some faint swearing.)

Caller: “It’s still not working!”

Me: “Er… What did you do?”

Caller: “I took away the wooden bit under the keyboard… Now it’s right over the chair!”

(I actually head-desked after that.)
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #363
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The Worst Cookies In London
AWESOME, BAKERY, FUNNY, HOLIDAYS, MOVIES & TV, NASHVILLE, STUPID, TENNESSEE | RIGHT | OCTOBER 31, 2016
(It’s the Sunday before Halloween. As our store hours are shorter on Sundays, the store owners have allowed all the employees to dress up in costume and play PG movies on the television in the dining area. My best friend and I are dressed up as Sarah Williams and Jareth the Goblin King from the 1986 film “Labyrinth.” About twenty minutes into the film, I’m approached by a customer and her friend. She glances at the movie, sizes up my Jareth costume, and immediately breaks out into song

Customer: “You remind me of the babe!”

Me: *elated* “What babe?”

Customer: “The babe with the power!”

Me: “What power?”

Customer: “The power of Voodoo!”

Me: “Who do?”

Customer: “You do!”

Me: “Do what?”

Customer: “Remind me of the babe!”

Me: *laughing* “That just made my day! You’re definitely my favorite customer! Would you like a free cookie?”

Customer: *still smiling* “Chocolate chip, please!”

Customer’s Friend: “I don’t get it…”

Coworker: “It’s from the movie we have playing.” *gestures at the TV*

Customer’s Friend: *pointing at our coworker in the back, who works in production* “Is she from the movie, too…?”

Me: “No, she’s dressed up as Mrs. Lovette from ‘Sweeney Todd’.”

Customer: *chuckles* “I hope she didn’t bake my cookie.”

Customer’s Friend: *still confused* “Who…?”

Me: “She… bakes people into pies.”

Customer’s Friend: *horrified* “And you’re letting her work in the BACK?!”
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #364
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Singleminded
DELI, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JANUARY 31, 2008
Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah I’d like a pound of cajun chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t carry cajun chicken, would you like some buffalo chicken in substitute?”

Customer: “Which cajun chicken do you have?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t serve cajun chicken.”

(My night manager is standing next to me. This guy goes on three more times, calm as can be, demanding cajun chicken.)

Manager: “Sir… we don’t… would you like the Santa Fe chicken?”

Customer: “I’d like the cajun chicken; where is your cajun chicken?”

Me: *facepalm*

Manager: *slices Santa Fe chicken and wishes him a nice day*
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #365
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Changing The World, Two Letters At A Time
CANADA, FUNNY NAMES, GEOGRAPHY, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | AUGUST 11, 2009
(I’m a customer at a restaurant and overhear this conversation between another customer and the waitress.)

Customer: *to waitress* “Can you tell me how long it is from here to Bah-nah-f-f?

Waitress: “I think you mean Banff, sir.”

Customer: “No, Bah-nah-f-f.”

Waitress: “There is no city or town by that name in Alberta.”

(The customer pulls out a map and points to Banff.)

Customer: “Yeah there is, right here. BAH-NAH-F-F!”

Waitress: “That’s pronounced Banff, sir.”

Customer: “Nope, it’s pronounced BAH-NA-F-F!”

Waitress: “Sir, I’ve lived in Alberta my entire life, and can assure you it’s pronounced Banff.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just stupid! When I get there, I’m changing the pronunciation.”

Waitress: “You’re gonna go to Banff and just change the pronunciation of the name?”

Customer: “Yes!”
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #366
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Food For Thor-t
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MAY 3, 2013
(My awesome Viking History professor often has Middle Ages-reenactors who attend his class just to listen to him teach. On one occasion, he and five students decide to go to the ‘Steak and Ale’, a restaurant, in armor and long medieval gowns. The server is quite surprised at how they are dressed, and isn’t quite sure how to deal with them.)

Server: “Uh… what would you like to eat?”

(One of the guys in full plate armor takes his armored fist, and slams it down onto the table and shouts.)

Armored Guy: “MEAT!”

(The server jumps.)

Server: *nervously* “H-how do you want it?”

(The armored guy slams his fist down on the table again, and shouts.)

Armored Guy: “COOKED!”

(According to my professor, they somehow avoided getting thrown out of the restaurant!)
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #367
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Why It Pays To Listen
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MONEY, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 18, 2008
(A customer reserved an expensive feather blanket a week before, and it was on sale when he came to pick it up.)

Customer: “This blanket is on sale!” *waves his reserve slip*

Me: “Yes it is, sir.”

Customer: “I’m not taking it, since I have to pay double the price!”

Me: “You automatically get the discount even though your reservation slip says the price is higher.”

Customer: “I’m not paying the full price for this blanket!”

Me: “Sir, you don’t have to. You get the discount.”

Customer: “Are you a f***ing idiot? I’m not paying the full price! It’s on sale, and I’m only paying the sale price!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, I’ve been trying to tell you that our system will automatically sell it for the sale price.”

Customer: “You don’t get it! Let me speak to your manager!”

(I call the manager, and after about 5 minutes of this, he and I finally got the customer to believe he was getting his blanket for the sale price. We laughed a good ten minutes after the guy had left.)
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Old 4 Weeks Ago   #368
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In Real Hot Sauce Now
RESTAURANT | WORKING | AUGUST 24, 2014
(I stop by a popular sub shop before a meeting one night. All goes well until we get to the condiments. The girl helping me has been working here a while, so I know she’s familiar with how it all works.)

Worker: “And what else would you like on that?”

Me: “Ranch, please.”

Worker: *slowly reaches for the sriracha sauce, which is a hot sauce: very much the opposite of ranch*

Me: “No. The ranch, please.”

Worker: *looks at me and then keeps going for the sriracha*

Me: “I said ranch, please!”

Worker: *picks up the sriracha and looks at me again before covering the sub in sriracha sauce*

Me: “Uh, I said ranch several times.”

Worker: *looks down at the sub* “Oh… I don’t know why I did that.”

Me: “Me, neither.”
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Not Something To Horse Around About
POLICE | RIGHT | JULY 4, 2012
(We’ve just had a major accident in town. It’s a small department, and only one officer is on. A lady calls about fireworks going off near her house.)

Me: “Good evening, [town] Police.”

Caller: “There are fireworks going off and my horse is very upset!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but right now all calls that are not priority are being held. We have a major accident in town. Our officers cannot leave the scene right now.”

Caller: “You mean to tell me that’s more important than my horse? He’s really upset! He’s crying!”

Me: “I wasn’t aware horses could cry. I will let the officer know.”

Caller: “You people should get your priorities straight! My horse is more important than any accident!” *hangs up*
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Many Hands Make Light Work
EMERGENCY SERVICES, INSPIRATIONAL, KIND STRANGERS, NEIGHBORS, NEW JERSEY, USA, WEATHER | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 22, 2020
I used to volunteer with my town’s first aid squad. Most of the calls would be relatively minor in nature, but every once in a while, a true life-or-death emergency would occur.

This story occurs on the day of a blizzard with over twelve inches of snow already on the ground. We get a call for chest pain and begin to head toward the house as quickly as is safely possible. As we get onto side streets, a township snow plow meets up with us to plow the road in front of the ambulance.

We arrive at the house to see a driveway on a steep incline that is, of course, covered with snow. We all make our way up without falling and go into the house. We find a patient having a true heart emergency and in need of the hospital immediately. Our team leader takes over.

Team Leader: “[Colleague #1 ] and [Colleague #2 ], go get the snow shovels out of the rig and start making a pathway to get [Patient] out. [My Name], get [this equipment], [that equipment], and [other equipment] and bring it inside.

The three of us went outside. The other two started shoveling a pathway while I started grabbing the necessary equipment. As I started carrying it up to the house, a neighbor with a snowblower made his way over and started clearing the snow from the driveway. Suddenly, two more neighbors with snowblowers arrived and joined in the effort. On my second trip outside, I watched as two teenagers with shovels ran over and started clearing off the steps. A moment later, yet another neighbor appeared with a bag of sand and she began to coat the steps & driveway to improve traction.

We were able to get the patient down the driveway, into the ambulance, and safely to the hospital, where he made a full recovery. And my faith in humanity? Restored!
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Magic-Touch-Phone
ELECTRONICS STORE | RIGHT | JULY 27, 2013
Customer: “I want to return this phone; it won’t turn on.”

(I turn on the phone, and it works perfectly.)

Me: “Hmm, seems to be turning on just fine.”

Customer: “I’ve been doing that all yesterday, and it didn’t work! You must have magic hands or something.”

Me: “That’s the only explanation I can think of. I should use my powers for good and go out and use my magic touch to heal things like leprosy.”

Lady: *in all seriousness* “Oh no, I don’t have that.”
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The Customer Is Sometimes Right
AWESOME, CANADA, ONTARIO, PHARMACY, TORONTO | RIGHT | MARCH 29, 2017
(I’m the customer in this one, calling into the store. I have worked in customer service for years and as such I tend to get a lot of “oh, thank heavens!” reactions from staff. This is one.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like to get a refill on [Medication].”

Pharmacist: *in trepidation* “Uhh… let me just check if we have your three-months’ refill.”

Me: “No worries.”

Pharmacist: *sounding even more worried* “Ma’am, I am so sorry, but it doesn’t appear we have the full supply. When do you need them by?”

Me: “I’m out as of tomorrow, but that’s no problem; it wouldn’t be the first time I get a week’s supply and come back for more when you have it.”

Pharmacist: “I can try calling another… Do you think… Wait, what? Really?”

Me: “Sure. Happens at least half the time. You only have a few customers on this medication and apparently we all like to refill at about the same time.”

Pharmacist: “And you’re not… You’re okay?”

Me: *laughing* “I’m not cranky-customer-type. My goal is never to be the one you go home complaining about!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, you are my favourite customer today. Possibly this month.”
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Has You In Their Sights
JEWELRY STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 28, 2017
(I am the youngest on staff. Despite being an older teenager, my coworkers despise teenagers and basically ignore them if they come into the store. Therefore, I purposely seek them out so that they don’t feel ignored or shafted by my older coworkers.)

Teen: “Can I see your glasses? They’re beautiful; I want ones just like it!”

Me: *hands them over* “Oh, really, thanks. They’re new; I got them a few days ago.”

Teen: “What brand are they?

Me: “Kate Spade. Aren’t they cute?”

(The teen looks up at me, looks at the glasses, and runs out of the store with my glasses before I can do anything. I chase after her but she runs too quickly for me to catch up in my heels.)

Me: “[Older Coworker], did you see that!?”

Older Coworker: “Yes… how stupid must they be? You’re in a jewellery store and you steal glasses? Idiot.”

(I didn’t have any extras because I have never broken or lost my glasses before so I stumble through my shift with squinty eyes and my coworker’s help. My manager makes me fill in an incident report as I’m writing it in the back my manager comes and gets me.)

Manager: “The teenager came back with her mom. Turns out her mom caught her selling your glasses on eBay.”

(I got my glasses back, with an apology, and the teen was banned from the mall for her theft. She tried arguing that since she didn’t steal a mall item she shouldn’t be banned by her complaint went nowhere.)
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Who Is The Dumbest Of Them All
BIZARRE, CANADA, MANITOBA, RETAIL | RIGHT | JULY 19, 2010
Customer: “Are these mirrors weird?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “These mirrors, are they weird?”

Me: “Not to my knowledge.”

Customer: *looks in mirror* “But that’s not me!”
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Why Patients Run Out Of Patience, Part 3
MEDICAL OFFICE | WORKING | JUNE 23, 2013
(My parents have taken my son to a clinic for a minor problem.)

Nurse: “Wait in here. The doctor will be with you soon.”

(A LONG time passes as my parents wait with my son. Eventually, a cleaning lady shows up and sees them.)

Cleaning Lady: “Oh! I didn’t know someone was in here.”

My Mom: “Where is the doctor?”

Cleaning Lady: “They all left awhile ago.”

My Mom: “…”
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Process Of Elimination
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | OCTOBER 27, 2011
Me: “Thank you for calling [company name]. This is Ashley speaking to you from Michigan. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Are you a recording?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m a real person! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “You must be in Pakistan.”

Me: “No, sir, we are all in Michigan at this company.”

Customer: “Your English is too good. You must be in Pakistan.”

Me: “No–”

Customer: “Have someone from the US call me. Thanks.” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*
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Serving Spider-man
MOVIE THEATER | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2017
(I’m working concession when a customer runs up to me, freaking out.)

Customer #1 : “There’s a tarantula!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Customer #1 : “A freaking tarantula just ran across my foot!”

(I have never once in my 30 years of life seen a tarantula just running around anywhere I’ve been locally. I go over to look, and lo and behold… there’s the biggest freaking tarantula I’ve ever seen on the floor over by the front doors. Thing looks like it could eat a rat in two bites and still be hungry. I call a manager who tries to get it out safely, but sadly he’s forced to kill it because it became aggressive. The customer who reported it to us talks to us for a few minutes and jokes around about the whole matter, as they have never seen a tarantula in the area either. A few minutes later, a man comes out of a theater and starts looking around the area where the tarantula was… With a confused look on his face, he comes up to the box office.)

Customer #2 : “Did you see a tarantula here?”

Me: “Uh, yeah?”

Customer #2 : “Oh, did he get out?”

Me: “Wait, you knew there was a tarantula on the floor?”

Customer #2 : “Yeah.”

Me: “And you didn’t tell anyone?”

Customer #2 : “Well, I brought him in.”

(I can’t even think of how to respond.)

Customer #2 : “Oh, I just got in from out of state. I found him in my car. I brought him in and set him on the floor. I figured, the way people spill food everywhere, he’d have plenty to eat here. Where is he?”

Me: “They killed it because he tried attacking a manager. Dude… are you serious? You set a live tarantula loose in the theater?”

Customer #2 : “Yeah. I’d like to speak to a manager. I can’t believe you’d kill such a beautiful creature.”

(I send him over to the manager’s desk, in complete shock over what I’m hearing. A few minutes later, I hear the most insane thing I’ve ever heard being shouted by my manager.)

Manager: “Are you seriously asking me for a refund because we killed a tarantula YOU set loose in the theater? No! Get out, now!”

(I swear to god… I’m genuinely sorry that I’m not making one word of this up.)
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Stop, Look, Don’t Listen
AMUSEMENT PARK | RIGHT | MAY 27, 2014
(I am leaving work in an unmarked uniform as I have recently been promoted from security guard to dispatcher. I still often help out our employee-access gate guards as the access gate can be very busy. I’ve just left our dispatch center where I had called 911 for an ambulance shortly before. As I get to the gate, there is a non-employee who is dressed like a plumber waiting for his daughter to be brought out from our health center. I can also hear the ambulance approaching so I start providing traffic control to allow the ambulance quick access to the property.)

Me: *to an employee coming in to work* “Step to the side, please!”

(The employee continues to approach without stopping and the ambulance is now visible with its emergency lights flashing.)

Me: “Step to the side. SIR, STEP TO THE SIDE SO THE AMBULANCE CAN GET IN.”

(The employee runs forward, only stopping when the ambulance almost runs his foot over.)

Me: *stopping the employee* “Excuse me. Did you not understand me?”

Employee: “What do you mean?

Me: “Did you not hear me telling you to stop, and motioning you to stay where you were to let the ambulance in?”

Employee: “Yeah, and I f****** stopped, didn’t I?”

Me: “No, you didn’t. I’ll ask you again. Did you not understand me?”

Employee: “Yeah, well, you were saying one thing and motioning with your hands. It wasn’t very clear. Why should I have to stop anyway? I would have made it ahead of the ambulance!”

Me: “I asked you to stop, and you didn’t stop. Is there something that makes you special so that you don’t have to stop for an ambulance on an emergency run? Can I see your ID card, please?”

Employee: “No. Who the f*** are you, anyway?”

(At this point, I let him see my company ID card with ‘Security and Loss Prevention’ written on it as my department.)

Employee: “Well, you weren’t very clear with what you wanted. Now f****** let me get to work.”

Me: “I asked for your ID card. Please give it to me.”

Employee: No. You didn’t make yourself clear and I shouldn’t have had to stop anyway.”

(The man waiting to pick his daughter up has been listening to this whole exchange and chimes in.)

Man: “Actually, a**hole, he was very clear about what you wanted. You were just a little s*** who didn’t listen.”

Employee: “F*** you. What the f*** do you want? You’re not involved here!”

Man: “He was very clear about what he wanted you to do. You were just a snot-nosed little s***head who didn’t want to listen. You’ve been nothing but an a**hole during this entire exchange.”

(At this point they are about ready to exchange blows and every security guard at the access post is ready to jump in. The man then reaches inside his shirt and pulls out his badge as well as pulling his ID card from his pocket.)

Man: “If it was up to me, I would arrest your a** right now because you deserve it. I’m already having a bad day and snot-nosed little brats like you just make it worse. So you are going to shut up and walk through the metal detector and go to work. I will personally be calling your supervisor to tell them what a snot-nosed s***head you are and that you chose to disregard the very clear directions of park security.”

(The employee immediately showed me his ID, and then turned around and went straight into work without ever saying another word. Turned out, the ‘plumber’ was a member of a local undercover drug squad who had been called off surveillance to pick his daughter up after she got sick.)
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A Fortunate Accident
POST OFFICE | WORKING | MARCH 26, 2014
(I’m a mail carrier and currently out making my deliveries when I suddenly get a call from my boss.)

Boss: *anxiously* “Are you okay?”

Me: “Yeah. Why do you ask?”

Boss: “I just heard a rumour that a mail carrier got run over by a car.”

Me: “Oh, my god! Have you talked to the others yet?”

Boss: “No, you were the first one I called. I’ll try the others now and update you once I’ve talked to everyone.”

(She hangs up and I continue with my job. About 15 minutes later my phone rings again.)

Boss: “Good news! That mail carrier was from [Rival Company]!”
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Red (Light) Flagged Caller
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | AUGUST 26, 2013
(I work in one of several worldwide call-centers, taking new reservations and changes/requests to existing reservations with a major luxury hotel chain. Customers often think we are at the hotel they are calling, because we greet them using the hotel name.)

Me: “Good morning! Thank you for calling [hotel located in Amsterdam]. How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Hi. I have a reservation for next week for two nights in your hotel. I am flying in from New York and have a two-day layover there in Amsterdam, and I basically just have a few questions.”

Me: “Certainly, sir, I’ll answer those for you.”

Guest: “Okay. So, I have a room booked for myself for those two nights. Is the rate any different if someone else is staying in the room with me?”

Me: “No, not at all. Not unless you have booked a breakfast rate. If breakfast is included, the rate is €10 higher, if you are both having breakfast.”

Guest: “Okay good. They won’t be having breakfast.”

Me: “They? The room is a two-person maximum, sir. If you want more people in there, you have to book a larger room.”

Guest: “Well, that’s my second question: is it a problem if there are two different people joining me on the two different nights?”

Me: “Oh… no, as long as it just one on each night, then the rate is still the same. Do you have any other questions?”

Guest: “Yeah… how far are you guys from the red light district?”

Me: “Um… we are about half a mile away, sir.”

Guest: “And is it safe walking between the hotel and the district? You know where I am going with this right?”

Me: “Yes. I think I have pretty good idea, sir. There should be no issue walking between us and the district, sir. Otherwise our concierge can arrange a cab for you. Any further questions?”

Guest: “No, I think that’s all. Thank you so much for your help! Have a great day!”

(The call ends, and my coworker turns to me.)

Coworker: “Another ‘John’ going to Amsterdam?”

Me: “Yup.”
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